January 13, 2012

My Plans for Tonight

Last night for dinner I had some pepperoni pizza. Tonight I am going to have more pepperoni pizza. Not leftover pepperoni pizza, either. A brand-new “from the pizzeria” pepperoni pizza that I ordered via telephone and will shortly be picking up from the pepperoni pizza making place.

On the way home from the pizza making place, I will make a quick stop at the supermarket where I will buy some ice cream. Ice cream is another thing I am going to eat tonight. First, I’m going to eat the pepperoni pizza, then the ice cream, and if I am still hungry after that, I will eat more pepperoni pizza. I probably won’t be hungry after that but if I am I will eat more ice cream.

Here’s what I will be doing while eating the pepperoni pizza and ice cream: watching TV. I am going to turn on the TV and just kind of flip around between shows while putting all that pepperoni pizza and ice cream into my face. I won’t really be paying attention to either activity, the eating or the TV watching. Nobody can stop me from these plans. Not the president, not even an astronaut.

These are my plans and I am going to see them through. When I am done with all of that, I will think about how much I hate myself.

July 29, 2011

From This Week's AV Club.

Mike And Tom Eat Snacks #27: Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies 
Michael Ian Black gives co-host Tom Cavanagh a marvelous account this week of his fictitious rivalry with the actor Ian McShane. Black spins a straight-faced tale about heroically landing himself a role on Deadwood, only to come down with laryngitis and have McShane conspire to take him down. Our hosts eventually get around to reviewing Nabisco’s Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies, which they deem lightweight compared to Walker Shortbread cookies—“It’s Shortbread 101,” as Black puts it, and “Walker’s is deep-cut shortbread.” This occasions much talk in oozy Scottish accents and the revelation that Black is going to make afternoon tea cool again.

July 20, 2011

The "Black Is White" Tour Dates

Louisville, KY

Athens, GA

Atlanta, GA

Asheville, NC

Charleston, SC

Minneapolis, MN

Madison, WI

Milwaukee, WI

Portland, OR

Seattle, WA

Columbia, SC
Closed to the public, college show

Austin, TX

Fort Worth, TX

Boston, MA

South Burlington, VT

Ann Arbor, MI

Cleveland Heights, OH

Chicago, IL

New York, NY
TBD by NY Comedy Festival

Philadelphia, PA

Baltimore, MD
TBD by Ottobar

Los Angeles, CA

San Francisco, CA

San Francisco, CA

San Francisco, CA

San Francisco, CA

San Francisco, CA

Washington, DC

Durham, NC

Richmond, VA

March 22, 2011

Changing the World 2

Changing the World


Please pass this on to everybody you know or will ever know.

February 24, 2011

Here I Am

For those of you wondering where I have been or what I’ve been doing, here I am. The dirt so far: I just shot a pilot for E! entitled “The Black List,” which is me giving daily pop culture commentary and jokes. Think “The Daily Show” for pop culture. But don’t think “The Showbiz Show” because that was terrible.

In other news: I just finished the first draft of my second book, now entitled “You’re Not Doing It Right.” It had another title but I discarded it because I always had to say it twice. I would say it, and people would be like, “What?” and then I would say it again and they would go, “Oh,” in a way that suggested they did not care for the title of my book. Like if you name your kid, “Argyle” or something.

Third, I am shooting a special for Comedy Central in a couple weeks entitled “Very Famous.” It will be my first-ever stand-up comedy special and I’m very excited/nervous. I’m shooting it at the Trocadero in Philly on March 11th. If you want to come, you can get tickets here. There are two shows: I’m shooting both.

Finally, my new podcast “Mike and Tom Eat Snacks” is finally up and running. This is a podcast in which my co-host, Yogi Bear’s Tom Cavanagh, and I discuss, eat, and rate snack foods. An easy way to spend a half hour of your time per week. USA Today called it a “Top Ten Comedy Podcast,” and Bon Appetit also gave it a thumbs-up. You can find it on itunes or here. If you listen and like, please rate and review on itunes.

At the moment, however, I am bored.

December 14, 2010

My Album of the Year

This is my album of the year. Granted, most people refer to an album that’s been released the year in question, but this one comes from 2000. I just found it and have been listening to it non-stop for three weeks. Straight up, homies: this is not for everybody. There will be those among you who go, “This sucks” and “You suck” and “Your taste in albums of the year sucks.” I don’t want to hear it. If you don’t like solo piano featuring the works of Philip Glass and John Cage then this is not the album for you and you can just keep listening to the Fuck Clusters or whatever Brooklyn band is currently sucking your dick. I like this and recommend it.

The album is called “Glass Cage” and the pianist’s name is Bruce Brubaker which, if nothing else, you have to admit is a funny name. Here’s the link to buy it on Amazon. You can also get it on iTunes.

And I know the below video sucks because it’s just the one image, but it was the only free sample I could find from the album.

November 24, 2010

Three Conversations I Had With Strangers on Omegle.com

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: Hi!

Stranger: asl

You: 39 m what's "L?"

Stranger: petafile freak get a life

You: Wait, are you mad at me?

You: What's "petafile?"

Stranger: your so dam old to go on this web site

You: Yeah, but I only have a few grey hairs at my temples.

Stranger: wat coler are your pubes

You: Thankfully, still chestnut brown.

Stranger: freaky old bitch

Your conversational partner has disconnected.


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: Hi!

Stranger: 19 f here

You: I'm a thirty-nine-year old man in the USA!

You: Where are you?

Stranger: indonesia

You: Is that near Michigan?

Stranger: no

You: Sorry, I'm really bad at geometry.

Stranger: horrible

You: Do you have cable TV where you are?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: Hi!

You: My name is Michael. I'm 39. I live in the USA!

You: What about you?

Stranger: France? Deutschland? Österreich? Italy? Spain?

You: No, none of those places. Just the USA, although my in-laws visited Italy a few years ago.

Stranger: okay

You: They had a great time.

Stranger: how old are you?

You: 39.

You: How old are you?

Stranger: 15

You: Great. That's a terrific age for learning.

You: Do you go to high school?

Stranger: yés

Stranger: fuck youz

You: Wait - what?

You: Are you mad at me?

Stranger: no

You: Oh, for a second there I thought you said, "fuck you." But that was probably just a mistake.

Stranger: someone other has written this

You: Where are you?

Stranger: i am at school

You: On Saturday?

Stranger: its Tuesday

You: It's Saturday here in the USA.

Stranger: no Wednesday

Stranger: that cannot be

You: Maybe I have my days messed up. I thought it was Saturday. No wonder my boss called so angry!!!

Stranger: youre trying to piss me off are you?

You: Oh my gosh, no!

You: Why are you on this site? I like to meet new people.

Stranger: come stai

You: I don

You: I don't understand what that means.

Stranger: liar you sayd youve been to italy

You: No, I said my in-laws went to Italy. They had a great time.

Stranger: in laws?

Stranger: whats that?

You: Yes, my wife's parents. We sent them to Italy for a present. It cost $$$!

Stranger: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Stranger: pensa magna non sunt, sed nonulli discipoli stulti sunz

Stranger: *sunt

Stranger: sun of a beach

You: Wait, before you said "fuck you," and now "son of a bitch." Maybe you don't know what these words mean in english.

Stranger: no no not son of a bitch i mean sun of a beach

You: Oh.

You: Are you in Italy right now?

Stranger: no

Stranger: fuck your mother

You: I really think you're trying to insult me now.

Stranger: if so what would you do?

You: I would be very disappointed because I thought you seemed like a nice young person.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

September 30, 2010

Greg Giraldo

Greg was a guy I knew from comedy. We hung out a few times, did a couple shows together. I was struck by his immense intelligence and good spirit. He died yesterday after an accidental prescription drug overdose. I’ve been upset about it since I found out: too many talented people die unnecessary deaths. Andy Richter found an interview Greg did for Psychology Today, which I am reposting here. It rings too true for me. Not that I have a drug or alcohol problem like Greg, but the constant feeling of never being good enough. I think a lot of us suffer from that, so I guess what I’m trying to say is: read the interview. The lesson I take away from it is one I hope I’ve been learning over the years: have gratitude for what you have and forgive yourself for what might have been. We are all failures in one way or another, but failure is more than the end of something. It is the opportunity to begin something else. Enjoy your successes, accept your failures. Move on from both. But keep moving on.


September 04, 2010

An Open Letter to Rob Palleschi, Global Head of Doubletree Hotels

 On Sep 4, 2010, at 1:27 AM, Doubletree wrote:

Dear Michael Black, Recently, we sent you an invitation to complete a Guest Satisfaction Survey concerning your stay with us at Doubletree Tallahassee, where you checked out on August 25, 2010.

We noticed that you did not have time to complete the survey. We are concerned that you may not have responded because we have somehow failed to live up to your expectations.

At Doubletree, we are committed to providing a superior guest experience to every customer. Please take a few minutes to tell us how well we met your expectations.

To complete the survey, please click on the web address below. If that does not work, please copy and paste the entire web address into the address field of your browser.


Thank you again for choosing Doubletree. I look forward to hearing about your stay with us.

Sincerely, Rob Palleschi

Global Head - Doubletree Doubletree


Dear Rob, Thank you for writing to me to remind you to take the survey I ignored earlier. A clarification: The reason I did not fill out the survey is not because I did not have the time, but because I did not want to. To put that into survey language, on a scale from 1-10, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest, the amount I wanted to fill out your survey was zero, which is a little bit below the lowest number I can choose.

I actually have a lot of free time, which lately I have been filling by playing Rock Band 2 on the Wii. (Great fun, but I am currently struggling with, believe it or not, Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way.”) If anything, I have too much free time which is why I have the time to sit here and write you this email from the Marriott where I am currently staying.

Until I received this email, I would have rated my experience with Doubletree as “very good.” Now, however, I would downgrade my overall experience to just “satisfactory” because I do not like receiving surveys about my experiences.

For example, if I received a survey from the Grand Canyon asking me how I enjoyed the Grand Canyon, I would be annoyed. But the Grand Canyon does not ask people to fill out surveys because it already knows it is awesome.

By the way, I am not comparing staying at your Doubletree Hotel to visiting the Grand Canyon. One of them is a national treasure and the other is your hotel.

Even if I were to fill out your survey, what would I possibly say? Nobody expects to be thrilled at a Doubletree. It is the kind of place you stay because you can’t afford the Sheraton. Or the Marriott, which as I said, is where I am currently staying, and which is AMAZING!!!

Hopefully they will send me a survey so I can tell them all about it.

I appreciate that you are concerned about you “somehow failed to live up to my expectations.” Generally speaking, the only expectation I have when staying at a mid-priced hotel chain is to be left the fuck alone.

Thanks again for taking the time to write a passive-aggressive email,

Michael Ian Black

P.S. Your cookies are good.