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May 2014

May 07, 2014

Please Everybody, Let's Stop Making Such a Big Deal About Sea Turtles

Sea-Turtle

Sea turtles are great. I’m just going to say that right here at the outset to allay any confusion about my feelings regarding sea turtles. They’re great and we should not hunt them to extinction.

Yes, sea turtles are long-lived and good swimmers. Yes, they make adorable sea turtle babies who dash from the sand to the ocean in a frenzied "Logan’s Run" meets "Hunger Games" survival contest that is both thrilling and heart-rending to watch. Yes, we attribute to sea turtles a certain degree of anthropomorphic wisdom because they gaze out at the world with those half-lidded sea turtle eyes of theirs, eyes that, had they had been at the right place at the right time, might have seen the Wright Brothers take off from Kitty Hawk in 1906, or even Napoleon exiled to St. Helena in 1815.

But…

Let’s stop making such a big deal out of sea turtles. Other animals are just as old or older (one clam was determined to be over 450 years old but nobody’s freaking out about it), many animals are cuter, and most of your run-of-the-mill primates are smarter. In short, there is no compelling reason why I shouldn’t kill a sea turtle or two and use its shell (carapace) to make an attractive and unique snow sled for my children.

Of course, a sea turtle shell (carapace) by itself will not make a satisfactory snow sled without proper lacquering. Googling “What lacquer should I use to make a snow sled out of a sea turtle shell (carapace)” did not return any good results, which leads me to believe I am going to need to experiment with several lacquers on several shells (carapaces), which will obviously necessitate obtaining several sea turtles, as well as an assortment of lacquers. The lacquers should not be a problem, but I am concerned about the turtles because people make such a big deal out of them. Therein lies my problem.

Please everybody, let’s stop making such a big deal out of sea turtles.

And let’s start making a bigger deal out of my children. I have two: Trident and Gossamer. Trident is a precocious, but undersized, twelve-year-old boy who is regularly bullied by his larger, able-bodied classmates. Gossamer is a rather butch eight-year-old girl who has a problem with aggression. Both have self-image problems due to their father’s fame and conspicuous absences from the home. I just know their problems would be solved if they each had a unique, hand-crafted snow sled crafted from an endangered sea turtle shell (carapace).

Ask yourself: are sea turtles more important than my human children?

Obviously I do not think every negligent father can solve his children’s problems by killing sea turtles. That’s ridiculous. But I honestly believe this father can. All I’m asking for is a little support. It’s going to take a lot of sea turtles for me to make things right with my kids, and a lot of lacquer, but I know in my heart it’s what the sea turtles would want.

Let me have this. Let me earn my children's love. Because I'm going to Tampa for two weeks next week and I really don't want them to give me any shit about it.