My Plans for Tonight

Last night for dinner I had some pepperoni pizza. Tonight I am going to have more pepperoni pizza. Not leftover pepperoni pizza, either. A brand-new “from the pizzeria” pepperoni pizza that I ordered via telephone and will shortly be picking up from the pepperoni pizza making place.

On the way home from the pizza making place, I will make a quick stop at the supermarket where I will buy some ice cream. Ice cream is another thing I am going to eat tonight. First, I’m going to eat the pepperoni pizza, then the ice cream, and if I am still hungry after that, I will eat more pepperoni pizza. I probably won’t be hungry after that but if I am I will eat more ice cream.

Here’s what I will be doing while eating the pepperoni pizza and ice cream: watching TV. I am going to turn on the TV and just kind of flip around between shows while putting all that pepperoni pizza and ice cream into my face. I won’t really be paying attention to either activity, the eating or the TV watching. Nobody can stop me from these plans. Not the president, not even an astronaut.

These are my plans and I am going to see them through. When I am done with all of that, I will think about how much I hate myself.

Comments

[Camille Shipley]

Looks like we're soul sisters after all, except add a bottle of Wild Irish Rose to my order.

[Sarty]

You did't mention the beverage, which makes it impossible for me to play along at home. I'm gonnna guess Dr. Pepper and just pray to God that I'm right ;)

[Nklopfen]

fuck, I envy you.

[Becky Cardwell]

Tonight I am going to have leftover tacos that I ordered yesterday, from the Mexican woman down the street from my hostel. She makes great tacos.

Unfortunately she's also Mexican, which means she didn't understand me when I said I only wanted ONE taco, and gave me six instead. So you know what I will be having tomorrow as well.

While eating my soggy taco I will be on my computer, as earlier I received an email saying that I was invited to hook up for cyber sex. Needless to say I'm intrigued.

Mostly because I didn't know that you actually needed an invitation to hook up for cyber sex. But also because the television in my room is apparently "just for show."

[Kat Nove]

I'm way ahead of you as I've stuffed my face with pizza, ice cream and a huge overdose of Nyquil. That's right. I called in sick and then ate junk food and took blood pressure raising drugs. I also watched reruns of Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond and 30 Rock. Right now some guy named Ed on some show called the Ed Show is bashing some guy named Romney. It is my understanding that the word "Romney" means to defecate in terror. I'm pretty sure my high fever is what caused me to decide to run for President.

http://www.americancrassroads.com/#!

Enjoy your evening, Michael Ian Black. I'm going to go throw up now.

[Rebecca Ames]

I think I have you beat. A pint of rum raisin ice cream and Dr. Pepper. Eaten as a float. But the brilliant thing is, you don't even have to dirty a bowl.

See what you do is eat out a small bit of ice cream then pour in some soda, then eat until you're out of soda, pour in some more and repeat. It's brilliant in a sad sort of way.

[Suburban Sabbatical]

I hope that you are at least eating soy ice cream and vegan pizza while you are watching Portlandia.

P.S. Remember me?
http://www.etsy.com/listing/90466045/rockin-dino-valentine

[Kimberly Mayo]

i wish you loved yourself as much i love everything you write/act in/do.

[Nohat_Nohurry]

Really happy to see you posting because you're the best at that, even though you are chubby.
Hey, in order to comment on this atheist site you have to either have a typepad account or allow typepad to access everything on facebook/twitter. Which I allowed, against my better judgement.

[Jaime]

Three days later on the posting. Terrible me. In my defense I was waiting in a line for seven hours and standing next to girls in bikinis, daisy dukes, and hula hoops to be in a talent show. Productive, right?

Then I came home, fell asleep at 6:00, and have eaten two oven-baked sandwiches in two days from Dominos. I just looked this up, and the sandwiches are 680–900 calories each and 28–49 grams of fat. Oh, plus a chocolate lava cake. Just looked that up. 690 calories. 34 grams of fat. as much as the sandwich.

I realized these were bad. But I did not realize how shockingly and horrifically terrible these were for me until your blog prompted me to look these up. And now I hate myself too.

Thanks.

[Erin Berry]

I have always found it strange to imagine people in the entertainment industry watching TV, especially those who appear on TV, such as yourself. Is it weird? Do you think you're more critical of shows/actors since you are an actor/comedian/writer/asshole yourself? I know you probably won't answer my questions. I am not okay with that.

I like you. Thank you for existing.

[Natasha Sabin]

Hilarious!

I'm quite fond of eating myself into a state of self-hate too.