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September 04, 2010

An Open Letter to Rob Palleschi, Global Head of Doubletree Hotels

 On Sep 4, 2010, at 1:27 AM, Doubletree wrote:

Dear Michael Black, Recently, we sent you an invitation to complete a Guest Satisfaction Survey concerning your stay with us at Doubletree Tallahassee, where you checked out on August 25, 2010.

We noticed that you did not have time to complete the survey. We are concerned that you may not have responded because we have somehow failed to live up to your expectations.

At Doubletree, we are committed to providing a superior guest experience to every customer. Please take a few minutes to tell us how well we met your expectations.

To complete the survey, please click on the web address below. If that does not work, please copy and paste the entire web address into the address field of your browser.

http://survey.medallia.com?cdkwkxwd742dbk7

Thank you again for choosing Doubletree. I look forward to hearing about your stay with us.

Sincerely, Rob Palleschi

Global Head - Doubletree Doubletree

***

Dear Rob, Thank you for writing to me to remind you to take the survey I ignored earlier. A clarification: The reason I did not fill out the survey is not because I did not have the time, but because I did not want to. To put that into survey language, on a scale from 1-10, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest, the amount I wanted to fill out your survey was zero, which is a little bit below the lowest number I can choose.

I actually have a lot of free time, which lately I have been filling by playing Rock Band 2 on the Wii. (Great fun, but I am currently struggling with, believe it or not, Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way.”) If anything, I have too much free time which is why I have the time to sit here and write you this email from the Marriott where I am currently staying.

Until I received this email, I would have rated my experience with Doubletree as “very good.” Now, however, I would downgrade my overall experience to just “satisfactory” because I do not like receiving surveys about my experiences.

For example, if I received a survey from the Grand Canyon asking me how I enjoyed the Grand Canyon, I would be annoyed. But the Grand Canyon does not ask people to fill out surveys because it already knows it is awesome.

By the way, I am not comparing staying at your Doubletree Hotel to visiting the Grand Canyon. One of them is a national treasure and the other is your hotel.

Even if I were to fill out your survey, what would I possibly say? Nobody expects to be thrilled at a Doubletree. It is the kind of place you stay because you can’t afford the Sheraton. Or the Marriott, which as I said, is where I am currently staying, and which is AMAZING!!!

Hopefully they will send me a survey so I can tell them all about it.

I appreciate that you are concerned about you “somehow failed to live up to my expectations.” Generally speaking, the only expectation I have when staying at a mid-priced hotel chain is to be left the fuck alone.

Thanks again for taking the time to write a passive-aggressive email,

Michael Ian Black

P.S. Your cookies are good.

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Comments

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Bailey

Word.

Reen

This made me laugh hard, choke, and dribble my coffee on my sweatshirt. Now there's a stain on it because of you. You better hope to Rudy I don't save it.

Michael, you shouldn't have any free time until your book is finished, yes? The anticipation is killing me. It's going to be sooooooo good.


John

I agree with the poster above (Reen). Is it really coming out a year from now?

Camille

I would tell you how much I enjoyed this blog and how much I laughed to the point of almost piddling myself, but you already know you're awesome.

Jaime

(A.) Try Sin Wagon on Rock Band. It is wicked. I just got in a fight over Rock Band last night. My buddy refused to play the Maroon 5 song I picked. I said, "Lookie here little girl, if you don't get your ass in there and play, I will smack you down so hard you will bite the devil's bare behind." To which she responded by wailing about wanting babies and not having a boyfriend. To which I dried her tears and told her to suck it up and rock it out. This nonsensical exchange brought to you two bottles of cheap wine in (her) and 10 beers (me) deep. Needless to say, we rocked Maroon's 5's off. And filled out zero surveys.

(B.) I love your free time and the way you are spending it, especially with the bloggy parts. Rock it out and blog it up and don't bite the devil's bare behind. You rule.

Sarah

Genius!

AG

This is golden.

Angie89

Damn, dude. Just delete the email. Angry much?

Reen

Saw the nasty girls youtube you posted on tumblr. I'll raise you one hot guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnU-o2zKzlM

Andrewjcrawford

As an entertainer it must be difficult to sympathize with someone seeking personal validation through their work. How fucking annoying. But you're not worried that the next pot of coffee you get from room service will be filled with pee? You're a braver man than I.

Andrewjcrawford

As an entertainer it must be difficult to sympathize with someone seeking personal validation through their work. How fucking annoying. But you're not worried that the next pot of coffee you get from room service will be filled with pee? You're a braver man than I.

Me_Gusta

Marketing executives today do have wildly inflated senses of self-importance. Nobody wants your sh1tty emails, dude. Due to their cookies, however, I will give DT a pass. I also have fond drunken memories from the bar at the Plymouth Meeting DoubleTree.

Allison

I was at your show last night in Bloomington-great job. I've been a long time fan of the state, and all those associated with it, so when I found out that you and Show were going to be in Bloomington, I jumped on the chance to get tickets. I really enjoyed the Shrek 2 bit. Classic.

NickG

Between this post and the columbus hitler thing, I think you need a hug (a good long slow one, not some crap-ass abrasive quickie)... and a constructive outlet! Maybe you could pick up sculpting, whittling wood... or making snow men out of cotton balls or something.

We're all just people, be we dumb, annoying or otherwise.

love,
nick

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katie

OMG how could you hate on the double tree? the beds are the coziest hotel beds EVER EVER EVER! don't listen to B-list comedians double tree, no matter how funny they are when talking about anything but your hotel.

Kristen

Go Your Own Way IS a tough one . . .

Reen

Hey Mike, your twitter is messed up.

Those who follow you can see your tweets in the feed, but if you just click on your twitter w/o signing in, you'll see its frozen after the Masta RT (virus?)

At least I was able to read your late night dirty nasty perverted tweets on facebook. Thank goodness!

Jaime

_Your_ cookies are good. Word.

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Woke up cold and unpleasant, and a sore throat that made me feel like spent the previous night that blows Neptune, god of the sea It's bad way to start any day, unless.

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Interesting post, keep up the great work. more writers like you are needed on the blogosphere

Mrs. G

Hi Michael! Just a quick FYI:

You were mentioned yesterday on the Howard Stern Show. They did a phone interview with Billy Joel. Howard mentioned your short story on McSweeny's and asked Billy if he had heard of you or your McSweeny story. Billy replied with a "no". Then Howard asked him how he truly felt about going to a party where he knew there was going to be a piano. Turns out you were right on target. I guess Billy really did ditch a party by using the old "I have to use the restroom" when the piano was wheeled out. It was nice to hear your talent mentioned on a national radio show. Have a great week!

Ally

Haha I am now officially a Michael Ian Black fan. The main reason? I know he won't send me a survey asking how satisfied I am with his routine.

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Such an endearing smile. Makes me want to pet you (right before I rape you).

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