My Vacation

Feeling kind of lousy today, my first day of vacation with the family. Do I blame the intercontinental travel or the amount of time spent with my loved ones? I am not going to speculate. I would tell you where I am, but it’s kind of a cheesy place and I don’t want you to think I’m cheesy. Alright I’ll tell you if you won’t think I’m cheesy. I rented out Jon Bon Jovi’s house. IT’S NOT AS CHEESY AS IT SOUNDS!!!

 

First of all, JBJ has really good taste. The house is decorated in late 19^th century English and French antiques. The carpets are all Persian (pre-revolution), and the football jerseys on display are all from REALLY GOOD players (John Elway, LaDamian Somebody). If there is one cheesy element, it is the swimming pool shaped like a giant guitar. But it’s a Gibson guitar and everybody knows they make the best guitars in the world. Also, I’m not really renting Jon Bon Jovi’s house. I don’t have that kind of money and I doubt JBJ needs rental income. But if I were going to rent it, I bet it would look like that. (If anybody has photos of Jon Bon Jovi’s house, please email them to me.)

 

I am not somebody who spends a lot of time pining for vacations. They stress me out. Mostly when I am on holliday what I want to do is the same thing I do at home, just someplace else. Those things include: bicker with my family, surf the internet, and try to convince myself that I look good despite growing evidence to the contrary. I think my physical looks peaked in 1997 and since then it’s been a long slow slide to decrepitude. I know this because now when I refer to myself as a “middle-aged man” nobody laughs or even smiles. Their silence is their agreement. I am middle-aged and finally developing the paunch I’ve read so much about. It’s not nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be when I was twenty-one.

 

But of course all of that gets set aside when I am on vacation. When I am on vacation, my main concern is where am I going to eat and how much am I going to sleep and do I have enough books? That’s pretty much it. The rest of it: the socializing, the catching up with old friends, the sniffing of various cheeses and sampling of various soft drinks, none of that stuff matters. When I am looking for in a vacation is a lull from my normally frenetic life. I define “frenetic” as not having a job and sitting home every day doing nothing.

 

So yes, I am on vacation in a sunny clime with people I love and eating foods that, to this point, have produced a mild headache and severe shakes. This is because all I’ve eaten is sugar and caffeine. Because I am vacationing at Starbucks. Because it’s all I can afford. And because that’s where I’m working now. If Jon Bon Jovi comes in, I am going to be so stoked.

 

 

Comments

[Camille]

Aw, this was actually very funny despite your suffering.
Have you thought about making a list of your ailments and physical aging , real and imagined? I always thought if I did that it wouldn't be as bad as I imagined. I was wrong. Don't to it.

[Ed.]

That sounds like a perfect vacation. If I happen to run in to you I would greatly appreciate if you or your co-workers would refrain from adding too much syrup to the MochaJava Chip Frappacino. Other then that the coffee is exemplary.

P.S. JBJ strikes me as more of a Dunkin Donuts guy, You know, working class, but still has the option of a shot of coconut in his coffee. Nice, not too classy.

[Roxy Strickland]

I'm not one for vacations spent doing stuff either, mostly I like to NOT do stuff on vacation. That's what makes it a vacation.

Also, I think you've aged quite well. You're much hotter in MMHI and Stella then you were back on The State.

[Reen]

I wrote something snappy-ass on here and now it's gone.

[suzanna]

What are you on about Mister?

IMO, you are HAWT.

loljk

But really I'm not.

xD

[Michele]

Man, I'm bummed out. No more 'Michael and Michael'. No more 'Party Down'. Michael, are you as bummed as me? I still imagine you have a pretty sweet life though. But I don't. But your blogs are part of my consolation!

[Jaime]

"(If anybody has photos of Jon Bon Jovi’s house, please email them to me.)" -- I only have photos of Jon Bovi's house. It has a guitar-shaped sprinkler and Persian-cat-pee rugs. So it's close!

I thought vacations would be so fun as an adult, but every one of them stresses me out: "how much money do we have left? where am I, I don't know this frickin town? What's that? Who are you? Where's my soup?" Stress. It was so much more fun when my parents were dragging me around paying for me. I'll bet your kids are having fun. Damn kids. Hush your adorable mouth MIB and enjoy your vacation, you beautiful middle-aged man. (You can still be beautiful even if you're not 21. It's true. I prove it every day ;p)

[Jaime]

(Reen, I'm calling you snappy-ass. But not doo-doo wax. You crack me up.)

[Michele]

Yeah, Michael. Hush up about this 'not looking good' nonsense. I agree with whoever said you looked better on MMHI than on The State. It's true, I swear!

[Reen]

Jaime, it was snappy ass, I say. Can't even rememember what it said, but it was a work of art. Something about the things middle aged men need to get by. Michael saw it and deleted it because he's into censoring "anyone whose views don't echo his". Which are totally satanic.

P.S. Whatever Michael, you know you're still hot.

[egle]

This post seems really depressing. =/

[Courtney]

If you were fishing for compliments it definitely worked! I hope you don't really think you are approaching decrepitude. The multitude of ladies that hit on you in the comment section of your blogs should serve as proof that you are still a hottie!

Smart move not to disclose the location of your vacay. Throngs of women would be milling about in the hopes they could catch a glimpse of you in the guitar-shaped swimming pool!

Your blogs are hilarious and have kept me from wasting hours and hours on being productive at work. Thank you, good sir and enjoy your vacation!

[Bailey]

I was not aware of your existance in 1997. However, I find you quite dapper in the year 2010.

[sam]

The beginning is good...got my attention. You put yourself down alot!

xoxo

[Steph]

1997, 19-schminety-schmeven. You are and always will be a total dream ship.

Love your blog! Keep writing the funny, please.

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