My Super Fun Summer Vay-Cay!
My family summer vacation is rapidly coming to an end. Today we met our friends for breakfast (they paid), then went on a little daytrip (only cost was some smoothies and parking), and ended the day with some different friends at a mid-priced Cuban restaurant (they paid). Afterwards, I ended up shelling out some money for ritzy cupcakes at a hoity-toity bakery (almost TWENTY BUCKS!!!) All in all, I feel like I ended the day up about a hundred bucks.
Normally I don’t worry about money,* but this vacation was really expensive. We didn’t even go that far! Just across the country to a terrible city called Los Angeles. Why go to a terrible city for a vacation? Because we have terrible friends who live here and the only way to see them is to visit their terrible city. (I was kidding about my friends being terrible. Most of them are not terrible at all. One exception: Ken Marino.)
My wife wanted to come out here to see people and I wanted to stay home and not see people, so we compromised and came out here to see people. Man oh man, by the time you add the cost of the airline tickets, the car, the house we rented, groceries, restaurants, the Thai boy (extra for hairless), tickets to the La Brea tar pits, and everything else, we ended up spending a Jew’s fortune!
(I recognize that throwing the word “Jew” in there was gratuitous and I apologize.**)
There was a time, not so long ago, when I used to have so much money I couldn’t spend it fast enough. “You want the twelve pack of Bounty paper towels, honey? Go ahead and buy it. Don’t even worry about the coupon!” That used to be my attitude regarding paper towels back when I had a job. These days, though, it’s a different story. The paper towels are generic and the coupons all get used. (For toilet paper, not for shopping because I still have my pride.)
Maybe some of you are wondering how I can afford to take my family on any vacation at all when I claim I cannot even afford name brand paper towels. It’s a good question and one whose answer will be revealed when my lawyer says it’s okay. But for now, content yourself with knowing that when it came time to order the large English Breakfast latte over ice at the Coffee Bean, I told them I would take a medium because “all that caffeine gives me the jitters.” Friends, caffeine doesn’t give me the jitters, but the extra thirty-five cents did.
So I leave Los Angeles a poorer man. But a man rich with the knowledge that I gave my family a once-in-a-lifetime vacation, whose memories they will cling to long after I am dead. Because I am now worth far more dead than alive.***
* Not true. I constantly worry about money.
** I further recognize that if I really felt like I shouldn’t gratuitously throw the word “Jew” in there I would have simply omitted it rather than apologizing for it after the fact.
*** Not true unless my song catalog becomes a lot more valuable after my death. I probably do not need to add the fact that I do not have a song catalog but I will anyway just in case there is any confusion.