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July 12, 2010

My Super Fun Summer Vay-Cay!

My family summer vacation is rapidly coming to an end. Today we met our friends for breakfast (they paid), then went on a little daytrip (only cost was some smoothies and parking), and ended the day with some different friends at a mid-priced Cuban restaurant (they paid). Afterwards, I ended up shelling out some money for ritzy cupcakes at a hoity-toity bakery (almost TWENTY BUCKS!!!) All in all, I feel like I ended the day up about a hundred bucks.

Normally I don’t worry about money,* but this vacation was really expensive. We didn’t even go that far! Just across the country to a terrible city called Los Angeles. Why go to a terrible city for a vacation? Because we have terrible friends who live here and the only way to see them is to visit their terrible city. (I was kidding about my friends being terrible. Most of them are not terrible at all. One exception: Ken Marino.)

My wife wanted to come out here to see people and I wanted to stay home and not see people, so we compromised and came out here to see people. Man oh man, by the time you add the cost of the airline tickets, the car, the house we rented, groceries, restaurants, the Thai boy (extra for hairless), tickets to the La Brea tar pits, and everything else, we ended up spending a Jew’s fortune!

(I recognize that throwing the word “Jew” in there was gratuitous and I apologize.**)

There was a time, not so long ago, when I used to have so much money I couldn’t spend it fast enough. “You want the twelve pack of Bounty paper towels, honey? Go ahead and buy it. Don’t even worry about the coupon!” That used to be my attitude regarding paper towels back when I had a job. These days, though, it’s a different story. The paper towels are generic and the coupons all get used. (For toilet paper, not for shopping because I still have my pride.)

Maybe some of you are wondering how I can afford to take my family on any vacation at all when I claim I cannot even afford name brand paper towels. It’s a good question and one whose answer will be revealed when my lawyer says it’s okay. But for now, content yourself with knowing that when it came time to order the large English Breakfast latte over ice at the Coffee Bean, I told them I would take a medium because “all that caffeine gives me the jitters.” Friends, caffeine doesn’t give me the jitters, but the extra thirty-five cents did.

So I leave Los Angeles a poorer man. But a man rich with the knowledge that I gave my family a once-in-a-lifetime vacation, whose memories they will cling to long after I am dead. Because I am now worth far more dead than alive.***




* Not true. I constantly worry about money.

** I further recognize that if I really felt like I shouldn’t gratuitously throw the word “Jew” in there I would have simply omitted it rather than apologizing for it after the fact.

*** Not true unless my song catalog becomes a lot more valuable after my death. I probably do not need to add the fact that I do not have a song catalog but I will anyway just in case there is any confusion.




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I love you MIB, this post was so funny. I miss you on TV. :[ Come to Florida. I will pay to see you! Without a coupon! Unless you are offering, in which case I will take it.


You are too funny! I love your blog!
I totally agree that LA IS too expensive and I took my son out there because he wanted "to see the Hollywood sign" (smh).
Yeah I thought I'd be a good mommy and create memories in the interim blah blah blah) I DON'T have it (money) like that so why DID I take him to LA? lol
Keep up the good work and much continued success.
Mandy Bennett


Mr. Ian Black,
Thank you for apologizing for your gratuitous use of "Jew." I'm Jewish and am very offended. I have been able to come to terms with and accept your "sense of humor." I noticed that you also included details about a Thai Boy. Can you please explain your interaction with this boy? Is it necessary to include his ethnicity in your post?


Haha! I love your blog; however, I am always self-conscious about leaving a comment because for some reason, everything I write ends up looking "dorky" when I re-read it, so I erase it and start over, which takes a lot of time and in the end, I usually end up leaving without saying anything. So, this time, I decided to use a terrible run-on sentence to just share that with you because I'm sure you were wondering why that one reader you've never met wasn't posting comments from time to time. Well, rest easy, because I'm gonna be brave and hit submit this time. I really am. And I'm also going to say that I LOL'd at your blog and I enjoyed it. There, I said it and I'd say it again. Who cares if it sounds dorky?! What do I think you expect from these comments...Roger Ebert-like critiques? Patton Oswalt-like retorts? Would you really read a comment and then declare, "That reader is totally not cool, and is in fact, dorky"! We, your fans, are just average people with good taste in humor, so I'm sure you'll forgive us if we sometimes appear less than brilliant.

I'm so, so close to deleting this, but, because I love you, I'll go ahead and submit it. The things we do for you, sir...the things we do.


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Mike, this made me laugh so hard.

Sounds like you and your family are having lots of fun in the very bright sun in your favorite city hanging with the hollywood elite (and Ken Marino) and even wiping coupons on your anus hole. Enjoy the rest of your days while you're still alive.

Me? I will cap off the evening by watching your lips move on Craig Ferguson tonight and drinking wine and eating cookies. Afterwards I will pleasure myself with a quiet mode vibrator I picked up from Walgreens. (No one will even know because the box fan in my room is so loud and shaky.)

I will always believe in your song catalog.


Oh hush up Jen -- you're adorable. Never delete, never.

But Ben? You can delete. Are you for real??

You know who is for real? MIB. Well actually, you are rarely for real, but unreal is hilarious, so that's okay. Real is pretty hilarious too. I'm tellin ya, vacations in general give me the stress. I'm still waiting to win the lottery so I can take a stress-free vacation, really. Now Craig Ferguson, are you really guest hosting? Is that for real? Because that is really pretty awesome. Really. For reals.


Jaime, it's a lie. I can smell it from here.

Michael - such a great read, thanks.
But remember, your "poor" is most peoples "rich", Hot-Shot.

And really enjoyed your fun, fresh energy on Craigs show last night.


Really? Dang. I'm such a schlemiel.


Some little Norweigan birdy sent me a link to your Late Late show appearance, and it was fantastic! I felt like I was watching a skit, like a planned bit, but spontaneous. Does that make any sense? Fantastic.

You need to post it here and maybe reflect on why you're so awesome. I like that he read your tweetys. I like your inflection when you mentioned your vacation: "I didn't want to go." And to his arm-ironing: "...okay..." and then, to the airline: "I know! I was testing yooooou!" So funny. Now post it! And reflect! AWesomeness!! Do it!!!

Daniel Dickey

Hey you fine piece of man... post the video of you on the Late Late Show.



Did I just step back in time? This blog reminds me of a time where you were pounding out writings that made me think,"he should put these in a book and sell it at book places and on the internets and stuff..."LOVE ,LOVE it. Game on!


You tell him Daniel -- I could post the link, but he really needs to post the link. Michael, post the link. Because you're awesome. Its true.

Lisa Cohen

It was the orange gingham, wasn't it?


Hey, I am sorry, but I recognized you from something I am sure I saw you on ages ago and had to look you up because I didn't know your name! I saw you in Santa Monica, probably somewhere between your stop at The Coffee Bean and Yummy Cupcakes (or wherever you bought your fancy cupcakes for $20!). I was the idiot in the cowboy hat, at the directory, asking if you and your adorable family needed any help finding anything. I am a (gulping with eyes rolling of strange embarrassment) downtown Santa Monica ambassador. I walk around all day looking a fool helping people spend too much money on the promenade. I, too, worry about money, but that's cuz LA is a rip-off for the average person living by herself! Worse yet, it's only been 2 days since summer arrived here and it's half over in the rest of the country. I will say, you were neither nice nor "UNnice", you just "were". Your brow was a bit furrowed looking so I am glad to know you had a good time maxing out your credit card in LA and would like to reassure you, you're a funny enough man, so the money shall roll in again. Now, if only I could say the same for myself! Next time, give the kids a REAL adventure and stay at the hostel!

dream puppy

FOURTEEN COMMENTS!?? ...and you call yourself unpopular...

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