« World's Most Popular Male Australian? Me. | Main | My New Kid's Book Comes Out Soon. Here Is A Review »

July 28, 2010

Everybody Should Be Allowed One Stabbing Per Day

Everybody should be allowed one stabbing per day. This would be great for our culture as a whole for a number of reasons. But before we get into those, I though I would lay down some ground rules and a little clarification. Just because you are allowed to stab somebody once a day doesn’t mean you are required to. There might be many days when you don’t stab anybody at all. In fact, most people might go weeks at a time without stabbing anybody. But there are times when stabbing somebody is the appropriate response to a given situation and this is what the new rule is for.

The stabbings do not “roll over” like phone minutes. If you don’t stab anybody one day, you don’t get two stabbings the next. It’s definitely a “use it or lose it” type deal. But if you stab somebody at exactly 11:59:59 pm, you can stab that person again one second later.

Also, children still aren’t allowed to stab anybody. Nor are they allowed to be stabbed. As far as this stabbing thing goes, children are off-limits, unless they’re really shitty kids.

Finally, you can’t stab anybody who’s sleeping or unconscious. Because that’s not sportsmanlike. Obviously there might be a fine line here because I imagine a lot of married people will be in bed next to their spouses with a knife. They’ll go “wake up!” and then as soon as their husband or wife opens their eyes – BAM! Is it fair? No. So don’t be an asshole to your spouse. 

Those are pretty much the only rules. You can stab whoever you want anytime you want, in any part of the body you want, however severely you want, with whatever kind of knife you want, as long as that person is awake and it’s only once a day. But keep in mind, whoever you stab also has the same stabbing rights as you. This will hopefully prevent people from stabbing each other willy-nilly, or too early in the day.

What’s good about stabbings is that they are not usually fatal. Sure, getting knifed can kill you. So can slipping on ice. The point is not to necessarily eviscerate people, but just to let them know that if they piss you off, they could find a knife in their eye. I think everybody would be a lot nicer to each other that way, particularly the people who have already lost one eye.

Will there be some hotheads who abuse the privilege? Sure. But guess what will happen to those people? They’ll get fucking stabbed. All the assholes will weed themselves out, leaving behind only the people who mostly do not want to stab each other.

Yes, there will be times when we will stab people for questionable reasons – maybe they screwed up our coffee order, maybe they took our parking space. Some of those people will probably die. Hey that sucks, but I think it’s a small price to pay for the right to stab somebody once a day.

Think about how prompt the guys who fix the cable TV will become. Waiters and waitresses will be much friendlier. Doctors will be more sensitive. Your boss.

In the end, this new rule comes down to a basic truth: everybody wants to stab somebody once in a while. So why not let them? Sure the beginning might be a little rough as people stab each other just for the hell of it. But after a few months, I think everybody will settle down and stab each other in moderation. It’s a good rule and if you disagree with me, guess what I will do? If you guessed “stab me” you’re wrong. I will shoot you.



                             (Good for society)




TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Everybody Should Be Allowed One Stabbing Per Day:


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Abe Krinkle

Copy Editor mark-up: "But before we get into those, I though I would lay down some ground rules and a little clarification."

change to

"But before we get into those, I thought I would lay down some ground rules and a little clarification"

And MMHI was the best show of 2009.
And Stella is king.

Mandy B.

Dear MIB,

Would you please, for the love of all that is holy (or unholy, as the case may be), update your web calendar? As a web editor, the outdated events make me twitch (not in a good way). As a fan, I want to know when and where you're performing so I can give you money in exchange for comedic favors.

I was fortunate enough to get to see you in Dallas last weekend (thanks for the tweet after, by the way - that was a nice surprise), and you were fantastic. So I want everyone else to have the same opportunity. Unfortunately, searching twitter for show announcements is a pain in the ass, and tumblr isn't super-popular with the people who are actually old enough to get into your shows.

So please consider it? (If you need some technical help, I can recommend a couple of editors with celebrity blog experience.) I love everything else about the blog, and sincerely appreciate the many hours of free entertainment you've provided in recent years. You're already fantastic, but you'd be EVEN MORE fantastic if you had an updated calendar.

Mandy B.

Reen (creepy)

I like this Mandy - feeling drawn to her for some reason. Mandy, do you feel me? I'm poking around in your heeeeeaaaaad, Maaaaaannnnndy.

Anyway, get that calendar up and going, Michael. People want to go to your shows and, except for your groupies, need more than a 10 minute notice. E.g. "(Insert state name here) I'm inside you!"
I underline Mandy's point on behalf of all the states in the country who will be treated to a show this year.



Not to brag or anything, but in Canada we're allowed up to two stabbings per year.

The only real difference would be that instead of knives, we use dirty looks and/or words spoken in a mildly condescending tone.

Oh, and we also have to apologize. (But only after we're done "getting the lead out".)


This webpage is excellent and so is how the matter was expanded.

Andy Berard

I am absolutely in agreement with you Bro. Everyone probably would love to stab someone in the head but let's refrain for a moment and come back to reality. The point well taken as to the amount of bullshit we have to deal with every day. Sometimes we get overwhelmed and need a release. Instead reach for some Ganja and relax your mood to a peaceful place. Thanks for a great article.

The comments to this entry are closed.