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July 28, 2010

Everybody Should Be Allowed One Stabbing Per Day

Everybody should be allowed one stabbing per day. This would be great for our culture as a whole for a number of reasons. But before we get into those, I though I would lay down some ground rules and a little clarification. Just because you are allowed to stab somebody once a day doesn’t mean you are required to. There might be many days when you don’t stab anybody at all. In fact, most people might go weeks at a time without stabbing anybody. But there are times when stabbing somebody is the appropriate response to a given situation and this is what the new rule is for.

The stabbings do not “roll over” like phone minutes. If you don’t stab anybody one day, you don’t get two stabbings the next. It’s definitely a “use it or lose it” type deal. But if you stab somebody at exactly 11:59:59 pm, you can stab that person again one second later.

Also, children still aren’t allowed to stab anybody. Nor are they allowed to be stabbed. As far as this stabbing thing goes, children are off-limits, unless they’re really shitty kids.

Finally, you can’t stab anybody who’s sleeping or unconscious. Because that’s not sportsmanlike. Obviously there might be a fine line here because I imagine a lot of married people will be in bed next to their spouses with a knife. They’ll go “wake up!” and then as soon as their husband or wife opens their eyes – BAM! Is it fair? No. So don’t be an asshole to your spouse. 

Those are pretty much the only rules. You can stab whoever you want anytime you want, in any part of the body you want, however severely you want, with whatever kind of knife you want, as long as that person is awake and it’s only once a day. But keep in mind, whoever you stab also has the same stabbing rights as you. This will hopefully prevent people from stabbing each other willy-nilly, or too early in the day.

What’s good about stabbings is that they are not usually fatal. Sure, getting knifed can kill you. So can slipping on ice. The point is not to necessarily eviscerate people, but just to let them know that if they piss you off, they could find a knife in their eye. I think everybody would be a lot nicer to each other that way, particularly the people who have already lost one eye.

Will there be some hotheads who abuse the privilege? Sure. But guess what will happen to those people? They’ll get fucking stabbed. All the assholes will weed themselves out, leaving behind only the people who mostly do not want to stab each other.

Yes, there will be times when we will stab people for questionable reasons – maybe they screwed up our coffee order, maybe they took our parking space. Some of those people will probably die. Hey that sucks, but I think it’s a small price to pay for the right to stab somebody once a day.

Think about how prompt the guys who fix the cable TV will become. Waiters and waitresses will be much friendlier. Doctors will be more sensitive. Your boss.

In the end, this new rule comes down to a basic truth: everybody wants to stab somebody once in a while. So why not let them? Sure the beginning might be a little rough as people stab each other just for the hell of it. But after a few months, I think everybody will settle down and stab each other in moderation. It’s a good rule and if you disagree with me, guess what I will do? If you guessed “stab me” you’re wrong. I will shoot you.



                             (Good for society)




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John Wayne Gacy

I finna stab you wid my penis!


This is good. There are over 6 billion people on this planet. Do we need more? I offer that we need less. This will help meet that end.

Amanda Cronin

I would love to stab someone today. I could probably get it all out of my system if I waited until midnight for the double-stabbing.


So wait, is anyone who is a minor off limits? Because I think teenagers are fair game, because a lot of them are really douchey and make me feel stabby. Plus, I'm one and sometimes I just want to cut a bitch up, yo.


Clarification - I live in the Central time zone, it is just past midnight, and I forgot to do my stabbing for the previous day (doh!). Assuming it is a short drive, can I quickly drive into the the Mountain time zone, where it it still the previous day, and stab someone? Or am I locked into the Central time zone?


a very interesting thought!


Dude, that's awesome. I myself just wrote about how everyone should be able to commit exactly one crime on their birthday. I like your idea better.


Question: What is the status on proxy stabbing? Like, say my friend pisses me off via the internet, and lives in another state, can I have someone stab my friend for me by proxy?


more clarification- can one person get stabbed by multiple people in a day? or once that person is stabbed are they done for the day?

Dr. David Robinson

Brilliant! I've always believed that the waiter/waitress - customer relationship was based on the understanding that you have a knife and they can spit in your food.


One of my very favorite blogs you ever did was a long intense meditation on a screwdriver through the eyeball and what all that entails. You never fail with the meticulously creepy. It just stabs all the laughter right out of my throat. And I'm gonna stab your heart out with my sharp pointy love. Stab-stab-stab-stabby-stab-stab-stab. Love stab! (.....I don't think I do creepy as funny as you. It's just pretty creepy. But that's why we pay you the big blog bucks, pro. Love stab.)


Yeah, lots of good follow up questions here....I think this deserves a follow up blog. A stabber's user's manual if you will, with all time zone/proxy/stab-and-age limits outlined clearly for efficient bitch-cutting.

I mean, that's just good sense.

Aleata Illusion

HAHAHA, you sir, are nothing short of amazing!


Just people, right? Because animals have suffered enough at the hands of the human race. I would definitely use this stabbing priviledge, and I'd use it wisely.


Yeah, but you know some capitalist would screw it up by hiring a bunch of people to do his stabbing for him.

It would probably be some oil tycoon, or a weapons dealer, and they would want more oil, or want to invade another country, and instead of doing their stabbings one at a time, they would hire an... army... to...

oh, crap.


So funny and clever.

As a female, inflicting pain with steely knives is our forte'. There's an intimacy involved with stabbing that's missing from other deadly weapons.

I like this blog entry. As a powerful empath as well, I'm trying to connect with your rage from across the miles. I could do it too, if it weren't for my background music. Fucking O'Jays.


I agree with Mob-what if there is one person everyone feels they have to stab immediately, such as members of the Roman Senate did to Julius Caesar as an example? What about politicians; are they included, excluded?

I feel like stabbing Zoyx. Can I go on the Internet and get their address to locate them and stab them? Do I need to know someone personally to stab them?

If stabbing by proxy does become a profession, I would to advertise my services as a professional stabber. I do front and back, as well as eye-pokes. Thanks:)



Senior discounts for those 55 and older.


First, I'm enjoying that the blog suddenly is in large print. My failing eyes thank you.
I love your proposal. I'm tired of merely shooting daggers with my eyes. It just doesn't have that "oomph" that actual stabbing would deliver.
Thinking of Renee's lovely O'Jays music reminds me of OJ Simpson so now I'm ready to do some stabbin'.


do penis stabbings count and if so does that mean i can still only stab/get stabbed once in a day? bc thats gonna be hell for business...

Nicole Grotepas

Hilarious. I wish I'd thought of it first. :)

Jay Hinkle



If Wolverine were to stab someone with his claws does it count as a single stabbing or three separate incidents?

If it is a single case, would it be plausible to get around the one-stabbing rule by wearing a "hugging-vest" which has multiple knives attached to it, thereby finding a loophole in the stab-system?

If all the knives penetrate at once, and such a thing is only one count of stabbing, I think this would encourage creativity in the average American. If the yield is a more fulfilling stabbing of a douchebag, I think we would all have zounds of incentive to spice up our daily vendettas.


Caron, I just think your brilliant for saying "zounds" as a form of measurement. IIIII like it.



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