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May 25, 2010

Work Out

I started exercising again after a long layoff, which made me think I should do some other things again that I haven’t being doing – like writing blog posts. As I’ve said before the reason I haven’t been blogging is because I’m trying to get my stupid book finished, and I don’t want to post what I’ve been writing in my book on the internet for free, although here are a couple lines from today’s work:

Thank God the drive home is uneventful, except that the radio station I am listening to plays “Melt With You,” by Modern English, which I have not heard in a while. Irrelevant but noteworthy. But I feel fine. No symptoms, no aftereffects, nothing. While driving I have some time to think about possible causes:

• There was something weird in my Chinese food. Most likely drugs or that poisonous blowfish they eat in Asia which kills people. Possibly what I thought was chicken was actually blowfish. For the purposes of my theory, I will ignore the fact that they only eat that stuff in Japan, not China.

• Mini-stroke. Perhaps I have a leaky brain vein. If that’s the case, I could die at any minute. And if I could die at any minute, I should probably go ahead and buy that Xbox I’ve been thinking about getting.

• A one-time synaptic misfire. I don’t know whether this sort of thing happens or not, but maybe it was just one of those inexplicable cognitive events that happens after brain trauma. Like when people wake up from a coma and they can speak Flemish. I don’t recall having any brain trauma but maybe as a result of the brain trauma, I am also suffering from amnesia.

• It was psychosomatic. Possible, but unlikely. If I am going to have some sort of psychological breakdown, I expect it to be the kind where I run around screaming because I think I am on fire. Anything less would be a letdown.

That was a freebie. You can read the rest of it in my book, which WILL NEVER BE DONE. I don’t know why writing this second book is so hard, except that I’m writing true tales from my life, which for some reason are far more difficult for me to write than made-up shit. Maybe because I have to figure out a way to make my life seem more interesting than it actually is.

Today, for example, all I’ve done is get my daughter ready for school, go to the gym, and try to think of funny to write for Twitter. And get a mani/pedi (not true). And wave to the mailman, who did not wave back (true).

I’m not sure what the mailman’s problem is but he really needs to straighten out his attitude, especially now when people are so mad at the government. I don’t think this is a situation where he’s going to shoot anybody or anything. I just think maybe he’s having a bad day. Or else he didn’t see when I waved to him. Which is more likely because I was inside at the time, and he was outside in his mail truck. Even so, would it have killed him to toss a little wave in my direction on the off-chance that I was standing naked in my bathroom looking out the window after checking to see if my single workout had made any difference in my body?

Anyway, back to work. Stupid book.

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The Naked Redhead

I, for one, have enjoyed your Tweets of late, especially the one where you yelled at all the people (I believe the term you used was "fucking idiots") for suggesting goats as a "self-mowing lawn." That one made me giggle.

Zane

I was pleased to see this entry. Thanks for posting it and I look forward to buying your book. Hope you are well.

Clayton

SNICE. niiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeee. nahhhzzzeeeee. noiiiiicccceeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhh.

so what's the new book all about? are there any stories about marcus?

sartysarty

I have your book on pre-order at Amazon.com. So there is at least 20 bucks coming your way when you finish it. 20 bucks is like, what, 4 Number 3 combo's at Taco Bell! Imagine how awesome that will be!

Hoping that took your level of inspiration to new heights!

Jen

suzanna

Who delivers mail to mailmen? Do they deliver their own mail or do they get another mailman to deliver it? And then who delivers his mail? Is there just a long, never ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen?

steff

wow. your mailman is a dick. sounds to me like he owes you a blowjob for that level of snubbery...
a blowjob IS the most effective method of saying your sorry to an almost total stranger.
isn't it?

Reen

What a fun surprise this is. It's embarrassing to admit how much I miss your blogs, so I won't admit it (fear of being embarrassed).

Looking forward to your book, it will be a fascinating read.

There is nothing like a health scare, especially one involving the brain, heart, lungs, etc. to stop us in our silly tracks and force us to evaluate everything in our lives. From our diets and environment to our relationships with loved ones, to where our life is going, where we've been, what we want to change, fix, get closure on, and so on. Priorities completely shift. Then the scare subsides and laughter, love, and a type of peace replaces it. Until next time.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things - enjoying your family, writing, getting physically healthy, connecting with your fans on twitter, and so on. I would add getting in touch with your spirituality, but shame on me for assuming you're not. For all I know you're totally Monking out there in the wilds of CT.

(You'd make a totally hot Monk.)

XOXOXO

Camille

LOVE it! You know, you are such an interesting writer that whatever you post holds my attention, which isn't an easy task since just about anything distracts me.
I'd like to think the new blog was a personal gift to me for my birthday. You are so thoughtful!
(the postman was probably pissed at his post master who is more than likely a giant asshole)

Dana Bashor

Amazing! I think I have a leaky brain vein as well. ;P

Kim L-L

ha ha - I remember that Modern English song well. A classic :)

Jen

MIB please come to Orlando! I need to meet you. And touch you inappropriately.

Jaime

"... and buy that Xbox I’ve been thinking about getting."

Yes do that. Then we can play rock band. Because that fixes brains and veins. Fact.

I'm about to go on summer break, so this is the perfect time for you to take some blog-fiber and get regular. So I can read all your shit. I like poop. (You are the poop. In a good way. Like bad is good. Like MJ said. Because, robot voice, I love the 80s. The end.)

Sexy Black Women

Michael, my theory on the blowfish. It made its way mistakenly from a boat in Japan to China where it was already carved. Then the shipment made it to the US and onto your plate.

Sarah

I thoroughly enjoyed this entry as usual and I can't wait for your book. I love your way of writing, even in your tweets! Good luck with working on your book.

sale ed hardy

I think your blog is very good, very poetic, also very talented, hope you can pay attention to my blog, thank you for coming.

Reen

Look what I found:

http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-q/2010/06/michael-ian-black-theater-camp-confessions.html

I found this to be an interesting read. Felt the title was a bit misleading as your "confessions" surely could have been juicier than that. I'm holding out for you to devote an entire chapter in your book to just that cause. Do it.

Anyway, enjoy the South. Have some lime-aid and set a spell on someones porch or something.

hhs

come back to new jersey and talk at hillsborough high schools graduation!

Jaime

Dude -- South? Rene, what's this South business? I have a summer off, so dish on this South stuff. I do not have a porch, but I will build one for you to sit on. And I will make a run to the Sonic for a lime aid for you. And I know someone with a horse. You can hump it if it brings back Equus memories.

Also, you need to update your calendar here. It says your last show was January :)

Kmacky Mac

Michael,
Please blog more or I will die. I'm stuck in CT for 2 months.

Jaime

Yeah - save Kmacky Mac! You don't want him/her to die do you?! Plus someone asked about cool sites on Facebook, and I said you, and they loved it, so...pressure's on :)

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ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ

Wait...are mailmen still government employees?

Is someone fact checking your book as you write it, too?

Do need to borrow any of my dogs when you go for a walk?

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Re: Michael Ian Black's Tirade Against a Racist Obama-Hater During Set

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I really want to try to work out some time to burn out some extra calories.

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