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March 27, 2010

Some Strategies for Making New Friends Once You Are 100

One of the downfalls of living to a hundred and beyond is that the older you get, the less people you know. That’s because all your friends die. Your family dies. Their kids die. Everybody dies, and soon your closest friend becomes Drew Carrey or whoever is hosting “The Price is Right.” Now, I am not disparaging Drew Carrey because I have met him and he seems like a very nice man, but he is not going to be the guy to come over and help you scrape your bunions. You will most likely have to pay a health care provider for that service and even then that person will probably not scrape with any real sense of love.

Another pitfall is that when you finally succumb to your old age, there will be nobody left to attend your funeral. Most likely not even Drew Carrey will come because he lives in Hollywood and because although he is your best friend, he does not know that you ever existed. A bummer? You bet. Because, like many of you, I plan on living well into my hundreds, I have started thinking about strategies for making new friends once I reach the centenarian mark.

One of the big knocks against extremely old people is that they get kind of dumb. They can’t hear and a lot of the time they don’t know what you’re talking about. For example, if I tell any 100+ year old about kicking my kid’s ass on the new Super Mario Bros for Wii, they will most likely have no idea what I’m talking about. So my first strategy is to stay current on everything. Everything. When I am a hundred, I will not only be conversant, but fluent, in the areas of pop culture, science, metallurgy, Asian cooking, tree pruning, pornographic anime, gourds, etc. In this way, I will hope to establish myself as something of a guru. People will come to me and ask my opinion of the future equivalent of Lady Gaga and I will offer highly informed and crankily funny opinions. Which leads me to my second strategy: become a crank.

Everybody likes cranky old people. (See: Andy Rooney) Cranky middle-aged people are annoying. Nobody likes the guy screaming at you to find somebody else to throw up. But cranky old people are adorable. I don’t know why this is, but it’s true. The older you get, the crankier you socially be. Even racism is acceptable when you get to be a certain age. Therefore I plan on saying horrible things on a nearly constant basis. I will curse and belittle and denigrate everybody who crosses my path. Instead of calling me a hateful bastard, they will call me “feisty,” and they will attribute my long life to said feistiness. Bullshit. The thing that will keep me is modern science and ground-up rhino horn.

Third, be visible. The older you get, the more feeble you become. The more feeble you become, the less mobility you have. Therefore, you’ve got to figure out a way to remain visible. Scooters are a great option. But so are riding mowers. A few years ago David Lynch directed a movie called “The Straight Story” about an older, cranky man who drove his rider mower across Iowa to visit his brother. I plan on employing this same strategy to visit the grocery store, local tavern, library, and for general getting around. The difference? I will wear a cape and a Batman cowl. Because in addition to feistiness, people appreciate eccentricity in their old people.

Another tip: tell every lady you come across beautiful she looks, and then hand her a carnation. Carnations are cheap and don’t have the same cheesy connotation as roses. A woman receiving a carnation from a hundred year old man in a Batman cape and cowl is less apt to think “perv” and more likely to think “sexy.” This keeps the libido active, which can only be a good thing.

Finally, lie about your age. Add fifteen to twenty years to your actual age. Therefore once you reach a hundred, start telling folks (always refer to other people as “folks”) that you are a hundred and fifteen. Nobody will believe you but it will add an element of mystery. Soon people will be hunting for your birth records, the local paper might do a story and the reanimated corpse of Willard Scott might even give you a shout-out on “The Today Show.”

Living to a hundred is great, but you’ve got to make it work for you. Maybe you can think of your strategies for enjoying these “golden years.” If you do, pass them along. If enough of us live long enough we can all hang out together and have ourselves a good laugh when one of our members dies.




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Ethereal Zoe

This is a great way to look at old age, Michael. I plan on wearing a tutu when I am old. And a tiara. Everyday.

As an aside, you should never google "bunions" and click on "images". Ew.

Velveteen Ballsac

I plan on kicking back and reading "Clappy As A Ham" when I hit 100. It just feels as though that's how old I'll be when it finally comes out. (see, already got the "crank" part down)


Glad to see you writing again. You really need to stop making TV shows that get cancelled immediately. I was just thinking about living into my 100s like an hour ago. I, too, am determined to be the baddest-ass old man ever.


I missed your writing!
Just make sure your kids have children and you'll always have someone to clip your gnarly toenails for 50 cents.
Can't wait to read about your mower adventures in your sexy-ass get up.


Loved this, very funny. Ditto on missing your creative writing.

Aren't you already a guru? You always seem to have an answer for everything. Quite unnerving. And one of many reasons I fantasize about getting you drunk and off balance. But I (really) digress...


Ha! Did you do undercover work for this? Because I work with the elderly every day and this was just a little too accurate;)


teehee! 'cape and batman cowl' thas funny. :D


I think old people are adorable and I love them and I want them to be my best friends, especially when I see them working out. I saw a cranky old man jogging/shuffling the other day and it was about the sexiest thing I ever did see. He was 104 and wore a Superman cape.


When you get old you will look like a more cheerful Richard Florida!

Shane Walden

First, I apologize for this not relating. In the unexpected instance that you, the most famous Sir Michael Ian Black, see this message before your show at UNT today, I just wanted to say, first of all how excited I am about it(I'm a UNT student if that wasn't already implied enough). Many of my friends here are huge Stella fans and love all of your work(Yay!) I also wanted to personally invite you to come check out the UNT 2 O'Clock Lab Band(jazz big band) on campus after your show. They play until 12am. This probably sounds like a silly little school band, but I can assure you that this is one of the top college jazz bands in the world(I'm not in the band, I'm in a lower one, so I'm not just tooting my own horn here). I don't know how much you know/have heard about the jazz program here, but it was the first jazz degree program in the nation and has remained one of the top programs in the world. There are nine big bands, the "One O'Clock Lab Band" being the premiere ensemble. They just received two Grammy nominations for their latest album. The 2 O'Clock(yes, they're ranked through 9:00) often wins national awards for best college jazz ensemble. I'm telling you this because I legitimately think you would have a great time, and many of my friends in the jazz program are huge fans. Also, the director of the 2 is pretty hilarious. It's a pretty casual setting and I can get you in for free and I'll even buy you a beer. You rock, and I hope you can come out. Thanks for being you.
All the best,
Shane Walden



My friends think your show on Comedy Central is awesome. Maybe this group no Facebook with catch on and someone might actually notice/care.



Shuyler, great idea - but what to do to get CC's attention...?

I'll join and send out invites.

Let's get CC when they least expect it. The art of misdirection. Like Poker and magic. And humor.


My grandpa is 101. I hate him.


My closest friend is 91. I hope I have young friends when I'm 91.

Chris T

Holy Shit, what is this, a post a month?


Mike, you may think Chris T is trying to make you feel guilty about your slothy blogging with his abrupt jab, but he really just wants to be fed. Chris T is hungry. Like the wolf.

It's coming from a good place. Can you feel it? Let it caress you - like the summer wind...or a lovers touch...or a shot of Febreeze.

Then just ignore it.

Miss you, too.

Chris T

My Dear Reen, yes I am hungry, nearly rabid. Surgical quips and witty remarks, I have gone too long without. Although, I am sure, that the slothful blogging is due to an increase in nonblogging activities, I miss him so. A fair trade: more creative projects and less blogs. Yes Mike, let me mist myself over you. I'll make you couch smell Wintry fresh


Dear spearmint scented Chris T,

You and I - we speak for so very many appreciative but silent (shy) readers (lovers) with our fearless tapping fingers.

Michael probably doesn't check in to read but once every few days (weeks), Chris T, but I care not. I don't agonize about how foolish I may (do) appear with my silly adoration (obsession). Not anymore, Chris T. I let it wash over me and splash over on to someone unsuspecting(my dog).

And as for you? You may hold me...close.

Aleata Illusion

Hahaha, your brilliant sir!

Race Chisinger

Thank you for posting something again! I missed you sir!


Michael, you always make depressing realizations funny. I never thought about making it to 100. But if I do, I might just have to follow your strategy. 1. have an expertise on pop culture 2. be a lovable but racist crank. 3. use a lawn mower as a means of transportation. I don't know exactly what these things would accomplish, but hahaha!

Daniel Dickey

Wanna fool around? (In a straight way... soooo not gay)


nike shox TZ

I would like to get acquaintance with other old people,not just stay at home.And I will use computer to read, play,so I will not feel lonely.

Charles Barkley

When riding the lawn mower always remember the bag is half full.

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