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January 03, 2010


Sundays are very good because they grant Biblical authority to my already instinctive laziness. God says “Rest,” so I rest. It’s eight o’clock in the morning, and the only reason I am up at all is so that I can maximize the hours today in which I do little to nothing. I will attempt to limit my physical activity to retrieving the newspaper, which I may or may not read. Music will be soft and of the “easy listening” variety. Food need not be bland but I will definitely keep it on the mushy side. As for my children, I will provide hugs but not much more than that. If they need a ride to the emergency room, they're on their own.

How I became this sluggish remains something of a mystery to me. There was a time, not so long ago, when I was an industrious young man. Always on the go, go, go. I made things, did things, said things. These days, all of that seems very passé and downright boring. I mean, really, what’s the upside in making anything when there is a full bag of pretzel sticks in the cabinet? Why think too much when there is an entire internet filled with information about Kevin Federline to explore? This planet has six billion people. Let them do stuff for a while. I’ve already done my part: I hosted “Spy TV.” That’s enough for any man.

Yesterday was a perfect example of how I enjoy spending my time. The most challenging thing I did yesterday was keeping my fireplace going. This necessitated several – SEVERAL - trips to the garage and back for wood, not to mention all the stoking involved. Tons of stoking. But that was about it, as far as doing anything goes. We didn’t even have to make dinner for ourselves because a friend sent over a plate of antipasto. Did I get dressed yesterday? I did, but only because my kids each had a friend over and I didn’t want their parents to see me in my Hello Kitty feety pajamas.

The other thing I did yesterday was watch the snow fall. It snowed for most of the day, and a lot of my time was occupied with staring at it through the window. At one point I did shovel the walk, but that wasn’t as strenuous as it sounds because the snow wasn’t packed very hard so it only took a couple minutes. Even so, upon returning to the house I felt as though I had conquered Everest.

To compare myself, as people often do, to John Lennon, I feel like I’m going through my “Watching the Wheels” phase. As he took a break in his late thirties from being a genius to hang out with Yoko, I’m taking a break from making cable television shows to hang out with my wife, who is less Asian than John’s wife, and also less responsible for breaking up the Beatles. Eventually he got back around to making stuff and right after that he got shot, so maybe there's a lesson there. 

Now it is snowing again, which for some reason makes me very happy. Maybe because all inclement weather provides further excuse to stay indoors or maybe just because it’s pretty. Either way, it’s Sunday and quiet and there’s snow. In my next life, I think I will come back as a bear. 




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If you want to keep busy and perform even more stoking, get an outdoor furnace. I'm constantly out there throwing wood(and dead hobos) in it.I've had enough trudging!
I think you may need to hire more help.


You know, I speak for so many when I say I'd much rather read about your lazy day with your lovely non-asian family watching snowflakes in a hello kitty footy sleeper, then I would other peoples "productive" days any old day. (I said "day" too much.)Plus the visual of you in a sleeper just brings out the Mommy in me. "Ok Mr. Jammys. The snow will still be there - go brush those teeth, you!" ::butt smack::



You are still my favorite live genius, at rest. (John is still my favorite dead genius...also at rest.)


That's a very poor choice indeed. While bears may be lovely and fuzzy, they'd actually (with the threat of global warming and general human encroachment upon their natural habitats) be working much harder than most people do for their food. If you want to be reincarnated as a lazy sod AND remain adored, come back as a koala. Although were that the case, you'd have to be okay with being mildly stinky.


You don't want to be a bear because mid-westerners will constantly asking, 'hey, do you shit in the woods?' so they can confirm this fact with their buddies down at the taxidermy. It too will become 'very passé and downright boring.'And let's not even go into how a female bears bush is extremely unkempt.


Koala bear MIchael...hmmmm. yes. I like that.

That last paragraph was cozy. Literally like sipping on some warm cider. It went down warm. And cozy. Je l'aime. The last post you did that was cozy like this was also about a snowy day sledding with the fam. Snowy days fit you well. Keep enjoying them. And writing on them. You have three genres in blogging I enjoy immensely:
1. Absurdist silly (dick, poo, fart, & sundries), 2. Semi-serious political/philosophical, and 3. Cozy

Thank you.


You know... I can almost smell your day. Smell the fire, smell the soot. Smell the antipasto. Smell the cold, and even hear that still that comes with it after the world has been silenced with a blanket of flakes.

Rest on, Michael.


Wen -- nice. Like marshmallow on cocoa :)


Hey, yesterdays twitter roast was delicious fun. I was giggling so much I had to keep stifling myself. You make me feel like Edith Bunker...in a corset.


FYI you were on mercy tonight, that is all.


Yes,he was! You did a mighty fine job,too.


those brown noser's put to much work into their comments.
I just think you are f ing funny as poop.


One of the brown nosers here, how are ya? It doesn't take me long to lick butt at all, silly! I have one of them there Phi Theta Kappa brains and 83 wpm typing skills. I can type a brown nosey comment in...well...let's see: Lynn, your comment was the FUNNIEST comment out of ALL the comments on the board that have ever been posted EVER! Concise! Hilarious! I laughed until I wet myself, Lynn oh Lynn the most beautious of all. ('Bout a minute)


There's a lot going on in that there brain of Renee's (and others') that a simple "yer funny,dude" just won't suffice.


I haven't commented in a while, but could definitely qualify for "brown-nosing" status from all my previous ramblings about how much I have enjoyed Michael's blogs over the years.
What is so bad about voicing an appreciation for someone's talent, anyway? It is all in good fun and surely more gratifying for Michael's ego to read these pleasantries than the poorly worded trash talk that so often appears here and on every other "celebrity" blog. Though I haven't been visible on here for ages, I am always happy to see a new post from Michael and enjoy seeing what others think of the blog as well. He writes about things that we can relate to and it is interesting to see how he can turn something mundane into hilarious with such apparent ease. I wish I had that gift and feel lucky to get to read something new as often as he does post things.
(Please don't start in by saying mean things to me now, I heard it all before and it isn't interesting to anyone.)


In the last sentence I should have written "I've" not "I" heard it all..., I'm only correcting myself to preemptively avoid some meanie calling me out on my poor grammar in addition to the rest.


Cammie and Zane! Brown Nosers Unite!


And Jaime. Unite. I guess I'm a brown noser too. Oh well. It's authentic. I mean, what do I get out of it? Nothing. As long as it's authentic, who cares.


Proud to be an apple polisher.
(not a euphemism)


Okay, now we just look like weirdos. I mean, like, more than before.


Jaime you're a big time brown noser, I can't and won't forget you and your big time brown nose. (Your nose is cute in real life, Boo-boo. Boo-boo-button nose.)

Cammie, now you're sounding like a groupie. Brown nosing groupie. Married housewife w/kids still sexy can keep her pie hole shut one time only wear a condom I still have eggs I'll leave right after frisk me for hidden cameras if you must, jerk...groupie.

Zane, the more we post and defend ourselves, the weirder it's all getting. For instance, if I had any pride left at all, this should be the last assinine thing I ever write on this blog.

But of course, it isn't,


Renee, you said you wouldn't tell anyone. Now I feel like a damn fool.A damn fool with yet another mouth to feed.

(okay,that's MY last one)

Stacey E

Your wife totally broke up the Beatles. Stop believing the propaganda.
Side message to Lynn. Too, not to. GET IT RIGHT!


Yes, Stacey E (for Electrifying?) - you GO girl.

Off subject(s) but Michael, that "insults for charity" was so much fun that I wish it were a daily scheduled event. (Bi-daily would be ok too, I guess, but I'd like it DAILY!! <---say that like "Elf" would). All that funny snipping and snapping. Now twitter is back to its self serving blah blah blahing celebrity zombie fest. I don't know...it's kind of a boring set up, for the most part, for most people. I'm happy you found a way to really make it work for you.

P.S. Oh and what you twittered to @frankiemuniz? Be careful, your underheart is showing.


Death by grammar. Love it.

I need a lazy sunday right now.

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