We Need Better Things
In a recent article for the Huffington Post, Buzz Aldrin – moonwalker and former astronaut with the best name – made the case that America needs better rockets. In fact the headline of his article is “Why We Need Better Rockets.” He’s right, of course. We do need better rockets for the simple reason that rockets are totes awesome. But there’s lots of things that we need to be better. So many things that I felt compelled to put together a partial list.
• Toasted sandwich bread. This is at the top of the list because it’s the most critical. There’s got to be a way to toast sandwich bread so that it’s both toasty and doesn’t cut up the roof of my mouth. Quiznos, get on this STAT.
• Sneakers that give good support to my feet and ankles but don’t look douchey: I find that cool, understated sneakers look good but don’t do much for my flat feet or bunions. Sneakers that are good for my feet look terrible. How do we resolve this, America?
• Poison ivy that gives you an orgasm when you scratch it. This one’s really important because I get poison ivy all the time and whenever I scratch it, it feels really, really good for a second or two but then it just starts to bleed and hurt. I think we need a new breed for people like me who are highly susceptible to poison ivy and also like to cum.
• Flying bicycles. With all the talk about jetpacks and flying cars, nobody ever mentions flying bicycles, which would be so much better because they would encourage exercise and would revitalize the X Games, which for my money, have gotten a little stale.
• Stilts that make farting noises. I don’t know why these aren’t already on the market. We obviously have great stilt and fart sound technology. It seems like all it would take is a go-getter to put the two together. Years ago, on “The State,” we did a sketch about sneakers that make piggy sounds. This is taking that same idea and elevating it to a whole new, better concept.
• New endings for sports movies. We need to put all of our national resources towards this one. We need to somehow figure out a way to create satisfying, emotionally uplifting endings to sports movies that don’t involve our team falling behind and then pulling out a miraculous win at the end. Maybe something involving volcanoes. I don’t know, but this one has reached Defcon 1.
• Email that knows how I am feeling about myself that day and responds to my bad moods by sending me messages telling me that I look really good and anybody would be lucky to have me for a friend and by the way, here’s a check for a hundred dollars which I can either use right then or save for when I want a new pair of jeans. I don’t know how we would fund such a program, but it seems like people would really dig it. Only drawback: people might try to purposely get into bad moods just to get the checks. This would be an abuse of the program. Let’s start thinking about safeguards.
• “Extra fiber” Doritos. Fiber is the new organic. Put extra fiber in everything, but let’s start with Doritos because they’re so good. Slogan could be “explosive taste.”
These are just a few ideas. I have many, many more. Yes, we need better rockets but they are just the icing on the cake. If we applied the same ingenuity to improving everyday products like the ones I just mentioned, America would be the greatest country on earth. Right now we’re second, after Japan, because they have better cellphones and manga porn.