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November 11, 2009

We Need Better Things

In a recent article for the Huffington Post, Buzz Aldrin – moonwalker and former astronaut with the best name – made the case that America needs better rockets. In fact the headline of his article is “Why We Need Better Rockets.” He’s right, of course. We do need better rockets for the simple reason that rockets are totes awesome. But there’s lots of things that we need to be better. So many things that I felt compelled to put together a partial list.

• Toasted sandwich bread. This is at the top of the list because it’s the most critical. There’s got to be a way to toast sandwich bread so that it’s both toasty and doesn’t cut up the roof of my mouth. Quiznos, get on this STAT.

• Sneakers that give good support to my feet and ankles but don’t look douchey: I find that cool, understated sneakers look good but don’t do much for my flat feet or bunions. Sneakers that are good for my feet look terrible. How do we resolve this, America?

• Poison ivy that gives you an orgasm when you scratch it. This one’s really important because I get poison ivy all the time and whenever I scratch it, it feels really, really good for a second or two but then it just starts to bleed and hurt. I think we need a new breed for people like me who are highly susceptible to poison ivy and also like to cum.

• Flying bicycles. With all the talk about jetpacks and flying cars, nobody ever mentions flying bicycles, which would be so much better because they would encourage exercise and would revitalize the X Games, which for my money, have gotten a little stale. 

• Stilts that make farting noises. I don’t know why these aren’t already on the market. We obviously have great stilt and fart sound technology. It seems like all it would take is a go-getter to put the two together. Years ago, on “The State,” we did a sketch about sneakers that make piggy sounds. This is taking that same idea and elevating it to a whole new, better concept.

• New endings for sports movies. We need to put all of our national resources towards this one. We need to somehow figure out a way to create satisfying, emotionally uplifting endings to sports movies that don’t involve our team falling behind and then pulling out a miraculous win at the end. Maybe something involving volcanoes. I don’t know, but this one has reached Defcon 1.

• Email that knows how I am feeling about myself that day and responds to my bad moods by sending me messages telling me that I look really good and anybody would be lucky to have me for a friend and by the way, here’s a check for a hundred dollars which I can either use right then or save for when I want a new pair of jeans. I don’t know how we would fund such a program, but it seems like people would really dig it. Only drawback: people might try to purposely get into bad moods just to get the checks. This would be an abuse of the program. Let’s start thinking about safeguards. 

• “Extra fiber” Doritos. Fiber is the new organic. Put extra fiber in everything, but let’s start with Doritos because they’re so good. Slogan could be “explosive taste.”

These are just a few ideas. I have many, many more. Yes, we need better rockets but they are just the icing on the cake. If we applied the same ingenuity to improving everyday products like the ones I just mentioned, America would be the greatest country on earth. Right now we’re second, after Japan, because they have better cellphones and manga porn.








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Velveteen Ballsac

I'm first (again) because I am the biggest fan here. Good stuff as always.


Why the hell are you getting poison ivy "all the time"?


I'm with you on everything but sports movies. I HATE sports movies. They should outlaw them. With a few exceptions of course. These including movies about women's volleyball, women's gymnastics, women's water-polo, basically anything women. Except women's basketball!! No one wants to watch that.


Flying bicycles would be great. Especially if used for jousting. Let's bring the past and future together!


Totes legit M-Black.

The Naked Redhead

What about dogs as proxies? I wanted my dog to go to the store and get me beer the other day, but I just KNEW that no one would accept the money that I tucked into his little fanny pack, nor would they have been so kind as to load the beer carefully on his back.

Civilized society, indeed.


You and Buzz are idea men. You should get together. Is he on twitter? (tee hee hee)

Great ideas and funny too. Can I expound on your poison ivy one? Seems to me that essentially only those who have mansions in the woods and are susceptible to poison ivy get to contract the new and improved poison ivy. What if scientists could find a way to make cum a "heal all"? That way whenever you contract poison ivy, scabies, (or even when you get all those herpes sores), you can have a private pleasurable session and use your own "healing power" to zap that rash or wound. This would work for the non-promiscuous/herpes free amongst us as well. I have a pimple (again) for instance. No problem. Be back in 20 with clear skin and a pink chest rash.

Ok then. I'm off to open an email. Crossing my fingers it will tell me: "you look great"!


I can appreciate this however, I stopped feeling the need to better things once they figured out how to take the seeds out of watermelon...amazing...let it sit with you for a minute, amazing. Recently though - while in the midst of waging war on my disorganized closet I realized that I @#$ing hate coat-hangers. I h..a..t..e...how they resolve to hold on to each other in a pile, making that annoying chingling sound, wilst I unleash rage upon them. I would add break-away, non-stick, coathangers to the list.


They make shoes for flat feet that don't look douchey, you need to look for something with support. You can't wear Vans or Chuck Taylors and expect support. That's what makes them cool, your ability to withstand the pain.


Sorry,bub. No compromises with the whole no-scrape toasted bread idea. Perhaps instead of looking at the bread, we could have some sort of mouth insert to avoid the scraping?
I have the opposite problem with "cool" sneaks. They have no arch support. So are they good for flat or arched feet? I'm confused!
You can make any stilt adventure full of farts and I think you know where I'm
coming from, Mr Strategic Farty Pants.
Sports movies can suck my hockey stick.

I guess you don't buy your jeans at Target, huh Mr Moneybags?

Formal Richard

Running boots or power socks could help the ankles.

Kelly Hagg

Why thank you Camille - much appreciated. However, I think we should shift to the details of the non-slip. I am not worried about the clothes slipping off the hanger as much as the little bastards binding together in a peace march sort of chain, arms linked, making my life hell. I don't want them to stick with each other, bind together or unionize. I hate them.

Aleata Illusion

You forgot to mention that Japan also makes the very best horror movies,and has lot's of hott asian chicks.

I'm totally with you on the farting stilts,that's a fabulous idea!


Kelly, you gotta get yourself some plastic hangers, give those little metal bastards in your closet away in the Craigslist free section to anyone foolish enough to take them off your hands, and henceforward adopt the Mommie Dearest rule (or the Roe v. Wade rule if you prefer): No Wire Hangers, Ever.


"I find that cool, understated sneakers look good but don’t do much for my flat feet or bunions."

Yessir. I agree. And I'm a girl. I need sneakers I can wear that don't make me look like a softball-lacrosse-lady-basketball player, but still massage my achy mommy feet, simultaneously sending the, "yeah, I'm cool" vibe. That is a hard combo. My Chuck's worked for my supple 17-yr-old un-gnarly feet. But my thirty-something feet hate them. (But I wear em out on the weekends, so, what you gonna do?)

Also, cute shoes for 4-yr old boys who constantly crawl on the floor pretending to be Diego-inspired baby Jaguars that don't shred at the toes after a week. Those would be nice too. Only his little tiny Vans have stood the test of time. Everything else sucks.

Get on it smarty pants! Use your AAAA+ star status for good. Tout suite.


About the poison ivy...take it even a step further. Why does it have to be poison? We have genetic engineering / modification. Why can't we make it into something a bit more friendlier like Juicy Ivy? Or Tasty Ivy? Modify it so maybe it only extracts lemon juice or something. A squirt of lemon juice in the eye is far less painful in the long run then the itchy ivy.


You may want to try the New Balance 993's. They are heavy duty running shoes that offer support for moderate over-pronation and they look like classic running sneakers that the hip kids are wearing these days. I just got some this weekend and they are stellar. I suggest you look into these.


Hey! I just saw some really understated + supportive shoes! It's a brand called Simple Shoes, and Larry David wears them. Now, my thinking is, if that old creakity (but funny) fart can wear them without his knees crumbling, then I think they'll be comfy on my banged-up feet.

They're also all vegan and cruelty free and all that bleepity-bleep-bloop. Gimme.


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