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November 13, 2009

Water Water Everywhere

Well they found water on the moon. Surprisingly, it was Glaceau Vitamin Water (dragonfruit flavor). I’m delighted that water increasingly appears to be an abundant natural resource throughout the galaxy because scientists  believe water is essential for life, and alien life is essential for a spaceship one day landing on the White House lawn, demanding that we “puny earthlings submit to the mighty Gor,”  and THAT scenario is essential in order for me to win a bet I made in sixth grade.

It really does seem like only a matter of time before we discover life out there. When that happens, I am going to be first in line to eat some of that life. How cool would that be? First man to eat alien? Followed by first alien poop? Awesome.

Realistically, when we do discover alien life it probably won’t be as advanced as ourselves. If that’s the case, I think we’d be doing ourselves a disservice not to eat at least a little bit of it. Just so that somebody can make the joke, “Tastes like space chicken.”

Of the many careers which I could have chosen to become marginally successful at, “guy who works at NASA” always struck me as a good choice. What could be better than striking up a conversation with a girl at the local Applebee’s, having her ask what I do, and then respond by saying, “I make fucking robots that run around Mars, fucker.” Hopefully her enthusiasm for extraplanetary exploration would outweigh whatever disgust she felt at my inappropriate language and the fact that my face would most likely be covered in nacho cheese.

So it’s a good day to be in NASA. They do do a bang-up job over there. Those two little robots they’ve got on Mars? Great stuff. The Hubble telescope that takes pictures of the past? Super. The space shuttle? Aside from a couple “mishaps,” not bad.

It’s amazing to me that we’re a smart enough species that we can figure out stuff like that. I mean, we’re so much smarter than every other species and yet, we still get excited when we find out that chimpanzees use sticks to fish for termites. Big deal, chimpanzees! We land rockets on asteroids! How about a little credit for THAT? How about a little pat on the back, animal kingdom or as I call them, STUPID animal kingdom.

One thing that must be incredibly annoying to everybody who works there is the preponderance of “it’s not rocket science” jokes that must come hurtling at them like so much space debris.  That’s got to get annoying real fast. Imagine going to a big Thanksgiving at your in-laws, and having somebody go, “You wanna cut the turkey? It’s not rocket science. Har har har.” I’d punch them in their fucking faces.

Our species is destined to colonize space. That’s just a historical inevitability. We have to do it because we’re restless and because eventually we’re going to screw up our own planet so bad we’ll have to go out there and screw up another one. And then another one after that. The good news is that recent science coupled with today’s announcement tells us there’s an almost limitless number of planets that we can rape. Personally I can’t wait to start.

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Ross

First! bitch.

ps-aliens suck

Jeff

Mr. Black you are HILARIOUS!! I too wish to one day devour an alien life form... the other green meat.

Maxplosion

dat shit is wack.
Holla!

@MikeCase

I can definitely count on Gor landing at the white house. At that time, he would have totally made asian jokes, unlike this lousy post.

HP

Looking forward to drinking some MoonPop.

Patroltheskies

Of course there is water on the moon. The moon was made from the Earth when another planet impacted us early on. The debris coalesced and made the moon.

Wouldn't be surprised if they found a dick fossil up there from an early Earth species.

Koolpenguin89

Those little robots on Mars aren't doing as well as you might think...

http://blogs.abcnews.com/scienceandsociety/2009/11/mars-rover-stuck-in-the-mud.html

Reen

Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.

Now what makes you think an alien would be dumber than us? We're pretty dumb. Either way, let's eat them!

You and your blogs, baby - out of this world.

Camille

Holla!

The Revolutionary

Not to state the obvious, but has anyone TASTED the water? It could have been vodka.

Michael

Hahahaha this is my favorite of your blog posts so far.

Kelly Hagg

I miss space ice cream.

ellen & allison

dear michael,

we loved your recent show in buffalo. we were not daemen college students, alumni, parents or administration -- we came because we're fans! when you asked about halloween costumes, we shouted out that we dressed up as characters from "wet hot" and we thought you might enjoy seeing all the effort we put into our costumes. boom:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30375646&id=1130375371#/photo.php?pid=33162891&id=44200532&fbid=559593483453

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30375646&id=1130375371#/photo.php?pid=33186753&id=44205782&fbid=560341125173

pornado. hilarious. we love you, michael!

love (see?), ellen & allison

Aleata Illusion

Hahaha,raping planets.

Jaime

I always say:

"It's not rocket surgery."

Or sometimes:

"It's not brain science."

You know, so as to appease those pussy-footin space lovers. Wussies.

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when we do discover alien life it probably won’t be as advanced as ourselves

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