Water Water Everywhere
Well they found water on the moon. Surprisingly, it was Glaceau Vitamin Water (dragonfruit flavor). I’m delighted that water increasingly appears to be an abundant natural resource throughout the galaxy because scientists believe water is essential for life, and alien life is essential for a spaceship one day landing on the White House lawn, demanding that we “puny earthlings submit to the mighty Gor,” and THAT scenario is essential in order for me to win a bet I made in sixth grade.
It really does seem like only a matter of time before we discover life out there. When that happens, I am going to be first in line to eat some of that life. How cool would that be? First man to eat alien? Followed by first alien poop? Awesome.
Realistically, when we do discover alien life it probably won’t be as advanced as ourselves. If that’s the case, I think we’d be doing ourselves a disservice not to eat at least a little bit of it. Just so that somebody can make the joke, “Tastes like space chicken.”
Of the many careers which I could have chosen to become marginally successful at, “guy who works at NASA” always struck me as a good choice. What could be better than striking up a conversation with a girl at the local Applebee’s, having her ask what I do, and then respond by saying, “I make fucking robots that run around Mars, fucker.” Hopefully her enthusiasm for extraplanetary exploration would outweigh whatever disgust she felt at my inappropriate language and the fact that my face would most likely be covered in nacho cheese.
So it’s a good day to be in NASA. They do do a bang-up job over there. Those two little robots they’ve got on Mars? Great stuff. The Hubble telescope that takes pictures of the past? Super. The space shuttle? Aside from a couple “mishaps,” not bad.
It’s amazing to me that we’re a smart enough species that we can figure out stuff like that. I mean, we’re so much smarter than every other species and yet, we still get excited when we find out that chimpanzees use sticks to fish for termites. Big deal, chimpanzees! We land rockets on asteroids! How about a little credit for THAT? How about a little pat on the back, animal kingdom or as I call them, STUPID animal kingdom.
One thing that must be incredibly annoying to everybody who works there is the preponderance of “it’s not rocket science” jokes that must come hurtling at them like so much space debris. That’s got to get annoying real fast. Imagine going to a big Thanksgiving at your in-laws, and having somebody go, “You wanna cut the turkey? It’s not rocket science. Har har har.” I’d punch them in their fucking faces.
Our species is destined to colonize space. That’s just a historical inevitability. We have to do it because we’re restless and because eventually we’re going to screw up our own planet so bad we’ll have to go out there and screw up another one. And then another one after that. The good news is that recent science coupled with today’s announcement tells us there’s an almost limitless number of planets that we can rape. Personally I can’t wait to start.