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November 06, 2009

Birdhouse

Today I am going to finally get around to putting up that birdhouse. The birdhouse has been sitting in its birdhouse box for over three years. Waiting. Waiting patiently to be hung from the branches like a horse thief. What has taken me so long? Any task that involves me going outside takes longer for me to accomplish than inside tasks. That’s because nature wants me dead, so I am reluctant to go outside where I could be killed. Yes, nature wants me dead. I know this because of lightning, hurricanes and meteors; if nature didn’t want me dead, objects entering our atmosphere from outer space would include teddy bears and rainbow sprinkles. But fear of nature can’t be the only explanation since I often turn up my fist to nature and scream “GO AHEAD GIVE ME YOUR WORST!” during thunderstorms and nothing ever happens.

Laziness probably also plays a factor. I am supremely lazy. This results from the fact that I do not like doing things. Even something as wonderful as putting up a birdhouse. No, I do not care for activities. I prefer inactivities, which are things that you do that require little to no effort. Like napping. That’s a great inactivity. So is eating Wheat Thins. You might say, “But eating Wheat Thins requires a little bit of effort since you have to chew them up.” Not the way I eat Wheat Thins. I put them in my mouth one at a time and let my saliva dissolve them to the point where I can swallow their wholegrain mush in one gulp. Yes, there is a tiny expenditure of energy, but so little that I consider it negligible.

Then there’s the fact that I don’t care if the birds live or die. I’m not saying that I have any particular antagonism towards the birds. I’m just saying that whether or not they eat anything is none of my business and not my concern. If all the birds died tomorrow, I probably wouldn’t even notice. At some point somebody would mention that there was no more birdsong. I would say, “I didn’t notice because I’ve been inside.” Then I would go back to not doing whatever I was not doing.

Some people seem to really love birds. Not me. I think they’re okay but certainly no more deserving of food or shelter than any other animal. Why do we make special houses for birds but not for any other animal? Granted, there are doghouses and rabbit hutches. But those are domesticated animals who provide us with companionship and, in the case of rabbits, lucky charms. Birds are wild and undeserving of my love and affection. What have they ever done for me except shit on my patio? Once in a while, we find a dead bird on our property. When that happens, my wife gets upset and asks me to remove it. I hate picking up dead animals because I interpret their death as nature saying to me, “You’re next.”

So the birdhouse has sat in its stupid birdhouse box for three years and even though I started off by saying I was going to put it up today, now I’m so mad at nature and birds that I’m not doing anything of the sort. Those birds can all starve to death as far as I’m concerned. And I hope the birdhouse catches pneumonia. Birdhouses can’t catch pneumonia, but you know what I mean.

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Comments

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Velveteen Ballsac

FIRST! I'm first to comment! I'm first Michael! Look at me!! Oh yeah....first to comment on MIB's post here today.

Yessssssss.

Check...me....out.

Thanks! Bye!

(oh yeah, my comment: fuck birds)

Velveteen Ballsac

FIRST! I am the first to comment Michael! Look! Look at me comment! The FIRST to do so!

Oh yeah! Commenting first on MIB's post today. Righteous.

Yessssssss.

Thanks! Bye!

(oh yeah, my comment....."fuck birds")

Velveteen Ballsac

Three x first = me #1!!

Reen

Thanks for the funny read. Needed it. Bad.

My goodness but aren't you sedentary. Why are you not rotund? Instead, you are sleek. Like panther. Perhaps this metabolism comes from the voodoo you do.

You know what though? You really need to just hang the fucking birdhouse, boy. You spoiled, spoiled little turdapple.

Amanda

I like birds. :( They're pretty... Which I assume is the only reason why people do set up birdhouses. That, or they are diabolically putting blankets full of avian flu on the inside of them... Then that's pretty awful.

Maybe you should try that.

Jen

I actually have no idea why I'm sitting here laughing so hard at this that I'm crying but I am. Thank you so much. I really needed that.

Sarah

My parakeets are offended. Then again they don't have much say since they live in a cage in my family room. I am hoping that this animosity toward birds can be channeled into a second season of MMHI. On another note, maybe you should sell the stupid birdhouse on ebay, since you are advertising for them now.

JW

you put up a bird feeder so that you can watch the birds fight, stupid.

kat

would someone care to interpret michaels blog?
lol

Camille

This is just unacceptable. Get that damn birdhouse up this weekend or your ass is grass.

Reen

Cam, you and I have that "married nag from hell" thing down pat.

Kat, to find the real meaning, play it backwards.

depression

It si good to hear that I am going to finally get around to putting up that birdhouse. Birds House Article is really interesting. I hope you have really liked your bird house.

Margo

Couldn't agree more. Fuck the birds. They get a kick out of shitting on our heads. Michael, praise your lazyness, don't give them the satisfaction of a birdhouse. What have they ever done for you?

Kevin Crona

Rabbits give us Trix. Eccentric Irishmen give us lucky charms, Michael,

Wells Wesley

I'd live in your birdhouse, Michael.

Waves

I'd never live in your birdhouse. I'd rather you live in my birdhouse. Which is more like a locked cage.

You'd have to be naked.

Velveteen Ballsac

Last! I'm last to comment!

Awwww yeah, check...me...out.

Seriously though MIB: love your blog.

Kelly

I am so inactive I forgot to check for an update on this blog. That's inactive. I was finally able to secure Stephen Hawking's mouse which simply follows my eye movements...so I am back online and a bit fired up. Lovely entry MIB.

Bailey

I like dinosaurs, but I'm not a fan of birds. Some say they're closely related, but I don't give a fuck.

Zulema Quintanilla

i like Ballsac's comments!

Ece

it's like you sit there and write exactly what I would in a blog, and just make it more comical.
I enjoy it.

Amanda

I vote yes on the person that suggested you sell the birdhouse on eBay.

Rob

Hi Micheal:

Love your T.V. show and I'm almost done reading your book "my custom van". It's probably the funniest book I've ever read, please write more so I can buy them and help you line your pockets with my cash.

Thanks,

Rob
San Diego

Jaime

Hi Michael. Build your birdhouse. Put it by your bird feeder. And feed birds KFC. Now that's a perfect Sunday :)

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