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September 03, 2009

Home From Spain.

Home from my family vacation in Spain. It was the first time the kids were in Europe, and when I asked them what they would remember most about the experience, they answered "Ice cream and potato chips." That wasn't the answer I was hoping to hear. Then again, we did eat a lot of ice cream and potato chips, so I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.

We also took in some of the cultural shit: some churches, a museum, a topless beach. It was my first time on a topless beach, and I really enjoyed it, mostly because of the boobs. The boobs were really terrific and fun to ogle. (When describing how one stares at boobs, I think “ogle” is probably the best word.)

Most of the time, though, we just hung out at our house swimming. One thing I discovered I enjoy doing: skimming the pool. There’s something very satisfying about removing dead things from the water. Now I know how police frogmen feel when they get a “floater.” One element I was unable to master – removing the dead stuff from the skimmer. I’m sure there’s a trick to it, and apparently banging the skimmer as hard as I can on the patio isn’t it.

I also rediscovered my patriotism, particularly as it relates to American made appliances. Those wimpy European refrigerators are terrible. It’s one thing to drink your Diet Coke warm by choice, quite another to do because Europe can’t figure out what to do with Freon. Honestly, I don’t know either, but if you gave me a continent full of people, I could probably figure it out, even if some of those people were from Belgium Lichtenstein and Slovakia.

Another way in which my patriotism was reawakened? Upon learning that Germans look even worse than we do, and the Brits aren’t far behind. There’s a lot of morbidly obese people running around this world, and they don’t all stand up when “The Star Spangled Banner” plays. A lot of them couldn’t stand up if they wanted to, but that’s not the point. And not only are many other nationalities just as physically degraded as we are, they compound the problem with their terrible footwear. If you are ever in a situation in which you do not know whether the person you are observing is American or not, look at his footwear: that will give you your answer. Europeans wear terrible leather toe thongs unchanged since the days of the Holy Roman Empire. Even Florsheims would be an improvement.

Anti-American attitudes overseas seem to have calmed down a lot. People seem to genuinely like our president and cannot understand why we are fighting so hard over giving citizens health insurance. That idea is so ingrained in their cultures that the idea of somebody losing everything they have because of an illness seems, for whatever reason, unfair to them. They can’t quite seem to grasp the concept that insurance companies can’t take extravagant junkets to Vegas if they’re not making shitloads of money by not covering the people who most benefit from their service. Why Europeans can’t get their heads around this simple American concept kind of makes me shake my head It’s called Freedom, Froggy! Learn the word!

Fortunately nobody got sick while we were there because then we would have had to suffer with the guilt of not paying exorbitant expenses for healthcare, which runs counter to my entire sense of fairness and devotion to my maximizing profits for my HMO, who are really good , caring people who simply hate other people.

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jerk

spain not spian ya doof

SJM

hey man, noticed your coming to royal oak for your tour with michael showalter, and was thinking while your theeeeere, you might as well come by the blind pig again in ann arbor!! Just a suggestion man, trust me ann arbor has the best soft pretzels you will ever eat. Hit me back man.

Suraj

haha nice post, come to ann arbor blind pig again on your next tour iwth showalter. Good cheeszits!!

K

I was being taunted by these British bullies about my weight problem, so I'm so happy to hear there are fatties across the pond as well! Except I bet now they'll make fun of me because I have no money since I have to spend it all on diabetes care.

MB

Where's Spian?

Rich

Spian is east of Potrugal.

Reen

Loved this! One of these days I will surely get in trouble for laughing too loud at your blogs. So far so good. Possibly due to pretty good hand to mouth skills.

Muffling skills.

This was just so funny and true:

"If you are ever in a situation in which you do not know whether the person you are observing is American or not, look at his footwear: that will give you your answer. Europeans wear terrible leather toe thongs unchanged since the days of the Holy Roman Empire. Even Florsheims would be an improvement."

I was watching TRU TV where real live humans (not you actors) are caught on tape doing stupid, dangerous things. Long story short you could tell who the Australians were by not only there weirdo sandals but their general expressions. They just *look* foreign.

Anyway, welcome back to America. Land of the cock block.

Zane

Talk is cheap. When I see the pic of you in your tiny speedo holding a pitcher of Sangria, then I'll KNOW you were actually there. Salud!

thecitychicken

Oh, only the *first* time your kids were in Europe? How pedestrian.

Reen

"There’s something very satisfying about removing dead things from the water. Now I know how police frogmen feel when they get a “floater.”

I had to copy that to send off to a friend.

You are, hands down, the most quotable person I know.

Felicia

I'm gonna make it a trio suggesting Ann Arbor. I don't live there, but it'd be like you're sending a comedic telegram to all us U of M alumni. Plus Royal Oak just reminds me of the serial killer that was on the loose when I live there, & why would you want to dredge up those awful memories for me?! Unless you're the meanest guy ever.

Stacey E

You know why all those "genius" Republicans don't want government provided health care? Because they're afraid we'll turn into a third world country. You know, like Canada and England. Dicks.
As far as the fat foreigners, I'm afraid it's because they're all eating McDonald's and Wendy's, too.

Aaron

Ahoy!

Is it true that the Health Care bill won't pass until Comedy Central renews 'Stella'?

I PRAY THAT BOTH HAPPEN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

Brohm

hi from germany. i just read your book and had to laugh a lot. now i visit your homepage and there you say such things about germans. some of us are very very sexy. honestly. i phoned the government (mine. not yours.) to bomb you (you. not your government.) has anything happen yet?

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