My August Resolution
August is both my birthday month and my vacation month. In this way, I am very much like Europe. Europeans usually take August off and they are all born this month, as well. The main difference between me and the Europeans being, of course, that I shave my armpits.
So yes, it’s a lot of lazy days here at my Connecticut manse. There’s no better way to while away the summer than on my hammock sipping Arnold Palmers while getting a contact high from reading Doug Benson’s Tweets.
My birthday is in a couple days, and to celebrate I’m going to go whale watching with the family. (My family.) They run whale watching excursions from Mystic, Connecticut, and while they obviously can’t offer any guarantees that you’ll see whales, they can guarantee that the kids will complain that they’re bored for most of the trip. So that should be fun.
Like everybody else, I’ve always been fascinated with whales, especially now that scientists have established that whales have “culture.” They have language, they use tools, they have rituals and family groupings. They also invented hip-hop. Whales are the top of the oceanic food chain, just like we’re the top of the land-based food chain. Obviously there’s not enough room on this earth for two predators at the top of the food chain, so even though whales are intelligent, majestic creatures, they have to go.
Therefore I would like to call for a resumption of commercial and sport whaling. Since we’ve already established that they are capable of great intelligence and culture, how long will it be before they develop the tools to start hunting us? Our current, tenuous situation reminds me of the brief few years after World War II when we had the atomic bomb and the Soviets did not. Had we bombed them back then, we never would have had to deal with the horror that is Yakov Smirnoff.
Whalolosists believe that whales evolved from land creatures who returned to the seas during one of those eras whose names I can never remember. Therefore, whales are already familiar with our land-based ways, and it’s entirely possible they’ve just been waiting for the perfect moment to return. Now that we’ve got Taco Bell and X Boxes, now could be the time.
Yes they're cute. So was Pol Pot.
Let’s eliminate the threat before it eliminates us.