My August Resolution

August is both my birthday month and my vacation month. In this way, I am very much like Europe. Europeans usually take August off and they are all born this month, as well. The main difference between me and the Europeans being, of course, that I shave my armpits.

So yes, it’s a lot of lazy days here at my Connecticut manse. There’s no better way to while away the summer than on my hammock sipping Arnold Palmers while getting a contact high from reading Doug Benson’s Tweets.

My birthday is in a couple days, and to celebrate I’m going to go whale watching with the family. (My family.) They run whale watching excursions from Mystic, Connecticut, and while they obviously can’t offer any guarantees that you’ll see whales, they can guarantee that the kids will complain that they’re bored for most of the trip. So that should be fun.

Like everybody else, I’ve always been fascinated with whales, especially now that scientists have established that whales have “culture.” They have language, they use tools, they have rituals and family groupings. They also invented hip-hop. Whales are the top of the oceanic food chain, just like we’re the top of the land-based food chain. Obviously there’s not enough room on this earth for two predators at the top of the food chain, so even though whales are intelligent, majestic creatures, they have to go.

Therefore I would like to call for a resumption of commercial and sport whaling. Since we’ve already established that they are capable of great intelligence and culture, how long will it be before they develop the tools to start hunting us? Our current, tenuous situation reminds me of the brief few years after World War II when we had the atomic bomb and the Soviets did not. Had we bombed them back then, we never would have had to deal with the horror that is Yakov Smirnoff.

Whalolosists believe that whales evolved from land creatures who returned to the seas during one of those eras whose names I can never remember. Therefore, whales are already familiar with our land-based ways, and it’s entirely possible they’ve just been waiting for the perfect moment to return. Now that we’ve got Taco Bell and X Boxes, now could be the time.

Yes they're cute. So was Pol Pot.

Let’s eliminate the threat before it eliminates us. 

Comments

[Justin X]

I agree completely... where do I sign up?

[Rocky]

Here is the back ground you requested

[Rocky]

Here is the background you requested. Also should mention you gotta clicky Download on the left menu to get the full version before uploading to your twitter page... Enjoy!

[Beezus]

Whale watching? A friend's wife bought him this for his birthday and it was the WORST experience EVER. Up at before sunrise, crowded boat, people constantly vomiting, freezing, no whales...
So, HAPPY BRITHDAY. Perhaps the East Coast WW is much better than the Farallons.

[Reen]

Cool birthday idea, most people can't afford that. So.

I don't like what you are implying about whales, btw.

Anyway, in spite of what Beezus said above, *I* hope you'll see not just one whale but many several bunches of whales! Splashing in unison, blowing, swatting their tales, making whaley noises, etc. I think you should try holding up a hula hoop and see if the whale will jump through it, even!

[Brian]

Back when I worked for a corporate company, I was given a book to read named, "Whale Done." I remember thinking, "These motivational speakers and authors aren't even trying anymore; just vomiting out bad puns on to 5 by 7 paperback book covers and spending 80 pages telling irrelevant stories from their years of working their way up their familys' businesses. Michael, I think you should make a corporate motivation booklet and bring some relevance and respectability back to the profession. Now that's a whale of an idea. HAHAHAHA-haha.

[Lars]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQLhWqek7i0

This recent video is a creepy coincidence. Modest Mouse caught on to this threat first, apparently.

[Reen]

I had to google "Arnold Palmer", not the man, the drink, and it IS a drink. What?
Your surprises are almost as fun as a dirty game of Hide N Seek.

[Bailey]

Whale watching is great. They bring you out into whale territory, and then you can break out your harpoon. Everybody starts freaking out, even the whale, and that's the best.

[Al Bundy]

One of my best friends is a whale.

[Zane]

Impressive new twitter background. Have a great birthday. Only a few more years until you're considered (officially) too old and creepy. Cherish them.

[Jaime]

"They also invented hip-hop."

But they did NOT invent _impromptu_ hip-hop _dancing_! And that...in Michaels tandem.... will always...and forever be...my favorite.

[Jaime]

(p.s. Do you watch "Whale Wars" or something? My husband is obsessed. Are you as annoyed by the self-righteous Cap'n Ecoterrorist-Watson as I am?? Just checking.)

[Camille]

Wow,this is alot to digest. I'll dig out my "un-save the whales" shirt today. For you....it's always for damn Michael Ian Black.

[Lauren]

I think you should be more concerned with Squids. Have you not seen the documentary Squid Invasion?

[Odin Xenobuilder]

Dolphins are the real threat. They are just waiting for the right time to strike. Possibly after they get some lasers to attach to their heads.

[Emma]

Sounds delightful. Here's to hoping you don't end up in seasick in a tiny dinghy 5 feet away from two whales while your spouse clings to you in a panic because he/she is terrified of whales, despite the fact that they work in a submarine. Mmmm.

[Felicia]

Happy birthday and please blog pronto after your whale-watching with kids experiment, as I'm heading to Maine on Saturday and want to know whether to put myself through that torture...

[Mel]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQLhWqek7i0