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August 18, 2009

Inertia

I’ve been doing almost nothing these last few weeks, including posting here on my blog. My own laziness has startled even me. Today for example I woke up around nine thirty and got the newspaper, which I then looked at for the next ninety minutes. I did not read it, as that would have required too much effort. Instead, I just let my eyes drift over the words, hoping to absorb the content through some sort of visual osmosis. Even  browsing is too active a verb to describe my interaction with the newspaper. Despite my best efforts, I did manage to learn a couple things; apparently there’s something going on with health care and a Russian lady lost at pole vaulting.

According to Newton’s First Law of Motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion. I am an object at rest. There’s something profoundly satisfying about doing so little. This is why you never hear about panda bears having existential crises. They’re content to munch on eucalyptus leaves and nap. Right now I’m pretty much the same, except that I substitute eucalyptus leaves with Ambien.

Laziness gets a bad rap in this country. People view it as moral failing. Or they think of it as a transitory state between work and more work. As in, “Michael’s not being lazy. He’s recharging.” No I’m not. I’m not recharging shit. I’m being lazy for its own sake. I’m sitting on my sofa looking at pictures of Madonna’s new boyfriend (22 years old, apparently named Jesus) because that seems to me to be the best possible use of my time right now.

Last night I was watching a show on the Science Channel, in which the host was talking about a time in the not-so-distant future when humanity will utilize nanotechnology to create “personal fabricators.” These machines will literally be able to create anything out of the proverbial thin air. Even remote control dune buggies! What happens to humanity at the point where our every material desire is a mouse click away? Answer: a profound and deep laziness. The impetus for “work” in the way we currently understand it goes right out the window. Why work if you have everything you need or want? You don’t. (Or at least I don’t.) So what do you do? That’s easy – hot tub parties.

In the future, everybody will have hot tubs.

At that point, my laziness will seem prophetic. My hot tub guests will turn to me and say, “You had it right all along, man. Work is for squares.”

But that is the future. Here in the present, I will inevitably find myself returning to the back-breaking work of joke writing. Which is probably a good thing. We all need purposeful activity to give our lives meaning. Right now my purposeful activity is yelling at the kids to shut up while Daddy watches the Yankees.

So I am going to enjoy my laziness while it lasts. I will no doubt be set into motion soon because while I am a lazy man, I am not a selfish man, and until we all have those personal fabricators, the world clearly needs as much of me as I can give.

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frank dinicola

brilliant and stunning; please send me some money

Bill Schwartz

I'm definitely printing this out as an aid to explain to my parents why I have a degree but still sit at home and watch the Maury Show all day.

Kat

I feel the same way. Everyone needs their lazy time! Especially those who work so much.

Bryan Sharp

I know how you feel, Michael. The other night I watched TV shows until they turned into infomercials, then I watched the infomercials until they turned into depression.

Jen

Laziness is win. I hope I'm invited to your future hot-tub parties.

Tiph

I'm too lazy to even read this.

Reen

This was so funny! Thank God you didn't change into an amoeba. Wondered where you actually were since you and your wifes double fantasy birthdays. Figured maybe you guys were on a round the world naked double virgin love boat cruise. Or maybe sharing cake.

Laying around is fun and sexy! Especially in stained "mopey" sweats. But hey. Too much of that Mister and we'll start calling you this guy:

http://www.reymont.pl/img_d/r_fatty_arbuckle.jpg

(Foreshadowing? Looks like he's wearing your Klondike-guy suit.)

Madonna and her boy toys. I guess she looks pretty great for 50+. Whatever. Who wouldn't with all her bucks and surgeon connections? Pish posh! She's *SUCH* a bitch.

Amanda

So basically it's the world of Wall-E you speak of.

Yeah aight.

We'll be waiting for your hard work. Let us selfishly laugh over your blood, sweat, and Klondike bars.

criticalahole

Pandas don't eat Eucalyptus. That's Koalas. Pandas eat bamboo. Bamboo and meth amphetamines.

The Naked Redhead

Will these future hot tubs be less likely to give one folliculitis? Just wondering...

Bailey

Hot tub parties are my now. Pool parties were my past, because they involved so much work like swimming, volleyball, and marco polo. But I launched myself into the future with a rocket-like time machine, because I need my rest (24/7).

Ana Priscila

I feel the same way, Michael Ian Black. I'll call you Ian. I feel the same way, Ian. Except that I lounge around by taking care of my baby daughter all day, going for walks, doing laundry, walking the dogs, checking the mail, going to the swimming pool on Saturdays, cooking, and doing all these other things.

But I literally take about an hour a day to lounge around and just look at the bookshelf. I just look at it. It's full of books, but I haven't chosen one from that bookshelf in over 3 years.

p.dutchess

we should all strive to be like the panda. they do not discriminate, as they are genetically bi-racial, their favorite food is a highly sustainable plant-life that offers endless potential to all areas of existence, their sh*t smells like asian cuisine (i'm assuming), and they will not hesitate to tear the face off of a stupid person. i love pandas.

thecitychicken

I laugh whenever you reference Ambien.

Ryalye

A remote controlled dune buggy is stupid. Besides, there are ones you can get right now that you can go flip and almost die in. Then you don't have to do anything ever again! Eventually people will be like, "Maybe it's time for you to get back into the swing of things." And you'll be all "My arm was almost severed, I broke my leg and had severe head trauma and you think I should do something that might cause me stress? Do you think that's good for me?" And they'll apologize and feel really bad and leave you alone again.

Then, one day, when they ask you if maybe you should try doing something again, you'll say, "Dude! I almost died!" And they'll be like, "That was 45 years ago." And you'll say, "Maybe my physical wounds have healed, but emotionally I'm a total wreck and incapable of doing anything. I mean, death is really serious. You don't know that because you've never died."

Of course they'll bring up that you never really died either, but you'll claim you were technically dead for 15 minutes so fuck them. Then they'll tell you that you should really stop drinking, and you'll scream "THIS IS HOW I DEAL!"

Soon friends and family will gather, to have an intervention for you. After a long and grueling process, you'll cry out "HOT TUB PARTY!" Everyone will forget their worries and just relax and laze around "the tub." But in the end, they're not just lazing around, they're dead. They drank the Kool-Aid.

Liv

Jesus really does have abs of steel, and Madonna seems to like them. This is what I have learned during my procrastination.

Barry Lutz

Hey MIB, if you are feeling so lazy, I have a suggestion. You could hop on a plane and join the rest of your friends in LA tomorrow as they sign copies of THE STATE DVD!

You were a no-show at the reunion last year, it's the least you could do to make it up...dick.

Chris

Barry Lutz, MIB is too lazy to attend events for The State. Didn't you read the blog? He probably has some tv watching to do instead. If I were him, I'd watch DVDs of the second best show ever done by MTV: Beavis and Butt-head. That would rule!

Camille

Hm...I'm thinking Idiocrisy is not only a funny, dark comedy but a foretelling tale.

Every time we go to the library, Chicken Cheeks is checked out. Every. Time.

Reen

Last nights show gave me a fever.

Christina

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nerdgirl/3559830608/in/set-72157619101866084/

I just saw this on trend central! It's your tweets on a pillow!

Jesse

Speaking of lazy maybe you should check out the Blind Melon catalog before marginalizing them you asshole, I'll never watch your show again, until the next episode is released.

Piter

HuffPo has a list of "50 Funniest People to Follow in Twitter," because who doesn't like lists? Of course MIB is on there, as well as Wain and Showalter.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/25/50-funny-people-you-shoul_n_267417.html

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