Birthday

Today is my birthday, which is always a big day at my house. I get the kids up early – around five thirty or so, and give them very specific instructions about how I want my breakfast in bed served. Then I retire back to my boudoir and let them figure out what a frittata is. The reason I get them up so early is because it takes them hours to get the order right, which means I have to keep sending them back downstairs to do it over and over and over until it’s perfect. They never did quite nail the hollandaise sauce, but I finally got so antsy around two o’clock this afternoon that I told them to just fucking forget it.

We were going to go whale watching today but the weather seemed dicey so we decided to hold off on that until later this week when it will be closer to my wife’s birthday than to mine. Our birthdays are four days apart, which sucks because I am always stressing out about her special day instead of enjoying my own. Because I want to make her day as amazing as possible  (slight exaggeration regarding my intentions).

Instead I spent the day quietly at home doing important, important work. That work largely consisted of Twittering and napping. I am also reading a great William Gibson book called “Pattern Recognition.” Plus, I helped the wife hang curtains and yelled at the kids out of instinct even though they weren’t doing anything wrong.

Tonight we are going out for tapas, which is a Spanish word meaning “over-priced.” Then we’re off to see a movie. It was a toss-up between “The Hangover” and “The Hurt Locker.” Did I want to spend my birthday in laughter or lamenting dead soldiers? We decided to go with the lighter fare; “The Hurt Locker” just doesn’t have the same post-movie BJ potential. Of course, when you’ve been married for ten (almost eleven) years, even an instructional BJ video featuring Megan Fox sucking off Antonio Sabato Jr. wouldn’t have much post-movie BJ potential.

Anyway, it should be a fun night out and thank you to everybody who wished me a happy birthday. As I’ve said before, every birthday brings me one year closer to when I am cryogenically frozen and eventually reconstituted as a lethal cyborg.

Comments

[olivia]

you should make her give you a bj while watching a whale watching documentary. oh while eating your cake. just to get everything out of the way at once.

[Nick]

Hello Michael,

Please stop. You are not funny and your new show is equally unfunny. Can't you find something else to do than waste our time with horrible jokes and drab commentaries? Maybe you should have someone else write for you... that might help. But for the love of all things holy... please stop.

And my wife and all of our friends agree... it's over man. Haven't you noticed that everything you've released has failed? Seriously, get the hint.

I actually tracked this site down so I can stop this madness. Play with your kids, enjoy life, and stop trying to be funny.

[Casey]

Happy Birthday, Michael!!! Thanks for being hilarious. Take care and I hope you get that BJ tonight.

-Casey

[laura]

nick is kind of a prick

[Anne Noise]

Nick is an idiot, though I agree that your new show is kind of not funny. I continue to TiVo (or whatever Direct TV called TiVo) it in the hopes that it will be good. It is not. Have fun making it, I'll have fun not watching it and reading this blog. Which is funny.

Nick remains an idiot.

And I guess happy birthday. Hope that BJ worked out for you.

[Camille]

Happy Birthday! If I had the computer savvy and time, I'd make a morphing of all your righteous hairstyles from the State years. My favorite is the mushroom cut.

I imagine Nick sports a bowl cut. Or faux-hawk. Either way, he's a jerkwad.

[Zane]

Those are some sweet comments to find left for you on your birthday. Your fans are really the best!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Celebrity, I am a dick. I choose to act like a dick for you. Have a great one!. Love, some dick.
That was completely worth bothering to write and it was a pleasure for all of us to read, too. Win, win. Thanks, guys.

[CYNTHIA]

HI Michael,
Happy Birthday!!!! Have alot of fun!! My
Birthday is April 1st!!

[Michele]

I find it so funny that this Nick dude got so MAD that he tracked down your blog "in the hopes of stopping this madness". Well, Michael you may as well give it all up. I mean, this dude and his wife think so! You're not going to change anyone's mind dude, I think it's hilarious that your intention and hope on writing that comment was to make Michael reconsider his whole career. If you can't stand Michael or his comedy and I don't even know why you bothered looking at his blog. Weird....anyway, thanks for being born today Michael! And I just gotta say The Hurt Locker was incredibly crafted and Jeremy Renner gives a great performance full of hot-head swagger!

[Jeanette]

Happy Birthday michael! =]
Nick is a dick.
oh well.
hope you have (had) a fun birthday!

[Jen]

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday and I hunted down your blog too, but mainly because I think you are HILARIOUS!! Nick needs to get a life!!

[Bailey]

Oh Happy Birthday old chap! It may no longer be your birthday where you live, but it is where I live. So I am having a party for you. Sorry if that's weird.

[Karla]

Happy Birthday! You are definitely one of the funniest people out there.

[always home and uncool]

Shave my poodle, happy b-day MIB.

[Reen]

I refuse to bring any more attention to the following jerks: "Nick has a warty little dick" AND "Anne Noise needs sex toys".

Hope you enjoyed the Tapas, laughed at the movie, and got the BJ - in that order, or all at once, doesn't matter. Even if the BJ came (I said "came") at 8am this morning, it still counts. As a married person as well, I understand and appreciate quality sleep.

In any case, you have a million followers! That must feel soooooooooooooooooooo good. Well deserved.

Now I'm off to google your book. Why? Because I'm always interested in what people who live on the fancy cul de sac read.

I'm also interested in their trash.

[The Naked Redhead]

Happy Birthday, you're almost a Virgo.

[Kristie]

I am officially coming out of lurkdom today to wish you a happy birthday for a few reasons:

1. I'm a day late, which makes me feel guilty.

2. For every asshat reader that leaves a rude comment, you have hundreds (thousands?) more who read, laugh, and don't comment.

3. One of those non-commenters would be ME, on a regular basis, because I am basically lazy. But I figure if your birthday wasn't a good enough reason for me to pop in and tell you how much I enjoy you, then what is?

4. I'm sure there is a 4, but again, I'm Laaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Happy birthday!

[Stacey E]

live traffic feed-damn you! How long's that been there? They're off by about 35 miles for me. Figures. Hope you had a nice Dr Pepper to truly make your birthday special.

[Dick]

Unhappy birthday, Michael!

Remember me? I'm that asshole from middle school who used to follow you around all the time to remind you that you don't have any friends. Well, guess what, Michael? I don't think you're funny!

That's, right, Michael. You're not funny. Get it into that big, stupid, incredibly sexy head of yours already. Just because you've been working in comedy for over 15 years doesn't mean your funny. So stop trying! Just sit back in your stupid mansion with your ugly with and your autistic children and do whatever it is you celebrities do when I'm not looking at you on the cover of a magazine while I pay for my family pack of Twix at CVS. Why can't you just take a hint and leave me alone?

Listen, Michael, I came all the way here from across the internet to tell you this. I read your website, followed your twitter, and subscribed to your blog on Google Reader. I hope my doing that is enough to get you to understand how unfunny you are. I will not rest until your stop pestering me with all of your unfunny nonsense through all of the various media channels that I have voluntarily decided to view. Get a life!

[Jen]

<3 I love you, MIB! Happy late birthday. You're hilarious and if I ever meet you, I will give you a BJ, if your wife doesn't have an issue with it. Bazinga.

[Kat]

Well, I think you are funny, and have thought you were funny since the day I saw The State and I've followed you since then. Kudos on all the work you do. Maybe not everyone loves it - but guess what... everyone is stupid! At least your fan base is quality and not just full of every idiot sheep chump jerkball in america.

<3 you

[Aaron]

GET WELL SOON!

[Maria]

I think you're hilarious. I laughed within in the first 3 minutes of watching your show. I steal your quotes sometimes for my own status updates and then everyone thinks I'm really funny. I look forward to your tweets and your show.

Happy Birthday by the way. I'm from CT too, and whenever you name check a place, I wonder if you're going to some place (dentist, DMV, tapas, etc.) near me, but no worries, I'm too lazy to be a stalker.

[Jason]

Happy belated birthday, Michael. I would have ended that sentence with an exclamation point or a smiley, but I'm just not that person. I'm sure you understand.

Anyway, best wishes.

[jared kearney]

no wonder why you want him drunk he is going to kick you ass. are you dumb or just shit stupid?