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July 14, 2009

Hotels

As usual I find myself alone in a hotel room. Tonight it’s because I’m doing some promotional stuff for the new show and the commute to and from my Connecticut mansion is too long to make it worth the trip. Comedy Central was nice enough to get me a room so I’m sitting here taking advantage of my alone time to obsessively Google “Michael & Michael Have Issues,” which is really, really healthy.

Hotels are strange places. They only exist because humans need sleep. Were it not for sleep, we would need hotels, which is why meth addicts rarely stay at hotels, unless those hotels also happen to be meth labs. So many hotels try way too hard. Over the last ten years or so, it seems like hotel lobbies have become Petri dishes for both the worst design ideas in the world and the worst music in the world. To me a hotel lobby should be a tranquil and serene environment which beckons the traveler welcome, not a shitty replica of a Turkish dance club circa 1993. Thank you, but I don’t need over-sized black porcelain poodles on the reception desk. I don’t need laser lights or vertical fireplaces or jellyfish aquariums. What I need is a room, a TV, good internet, and a warm chocolate chip cookie (Thanks, Doubletree Suites).

The idea of hotel as destination unto itself seems to stupid to me. If I’m staying at your hotel it’s because I need to be in your town, not because I need to be at your hotel. If I need to be at your hotel, it should only be because somebody’s getting married there and couldn’t afford a nicer place to hold a reception. But that’s it. Otherwise don’t intrude onto my trip. Rule number one for hotels: be unobtrusive.

The hotel I am staying in tonight is pretty good about this, but even they suffer from a chronic case of “Look at me.” For example, there’s a switch on the wall that opens and closes the window shades. Right above the switch is a sign that reads “Window shades open and close switch). Do I really this touch? How about a metal thing that I pull that opens and closes the shades? By putting the switch on the wall and then putting a sign above the wall, you’re not impressing me. All you’re saying is, “We’re just like the Bat Cave.” I don’t need to stay at the Bat Cave.

But the worst is when hotels attach cutesy names to routine functions. Like instead of a sign telling you where reception is, they’ll have like a hot pink neon billboard that reads, “Get it on” or something. Something just obscure enough that you have no idea what they’re talking about so you have to ask one of the male models where reception is, and they’ll turn to you and say “Get it on to your right,” like you’re the idiot.

The other thing that bugs me about hotels is how they try to impress me with toiletries. While I appreciate that the hotel wants me clean, I do not need “body milk” in my bathroom. Yes, body milk is an actual bottle of something in my bathroom at the moment. I keep thinking some poor Guatemalan illegal immigrant had to lactate a tremendous amount to fill that specimen container. Body milk, of course, is not to be confused with “body wash,” which is also in there, along with two different kinds of soaps and a telephone right next to the toilet.

I have never had a telephone conversation with somebody while shitting and I never will. There is probably no good reason for this other than it’s simply something you don’t do. God forbid you let out a little grunt and something and the person on the other end says, “Are you shitting?” Then what do you do? You either have to admit that yes, you are shitting while conversing or you have to lie. Either way you don’t feel very good about yourself.

Some hotels offer compact discs for purchase. The hotel I stayed in last week had one for sale for twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars for a CD featuring bands I’ve never heard of, produced by somebody I’ve never heard of, put out by a hotel? For some reason, I always imagine that the people deciding to buy these are all involved in international illegal arms smuggling. I don’t know why. Maybe because I imagine that gun runners like techno.

A suggestion to hoteliers: please get rid of hotel TV remote controllers. They are horrible. When I turn on the television, I do not want a welcome message from you. If I want a welcome message I will call down to room service and have them send one up. But you don’t need to sell me on your stupid hotel. By definition, I’m already sold – I’m staying there. When you keep pushing your stupid hotel on me after I’m already staying at it, you just look cheap and desperate.

Also, stop charging for your terrible wireless internet connections. The internet is no longer a luxury item. It is a necessity. When you charge for it, you look cheap. Fourteen dollars a day for the internet? I will pay it, yes, but only because I need to know what Perez Hilton is saying at all times and at any cost. But I will resent you for the charge and I will never stay at your hotel again.

When I come to your hotel, please just let me go to my room. I don’t want to hear about your restaurant or your spa or your breakfast which is served from six to eight-thirty because I won’t be awake then. I don’t want you to talk to me, and no, I don’t know my license plate number and I’m not going to go look at it for you. Just give me a room key and shut up and we’ll get along just fine.


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brian manasco

funny stuff...and real too... i like the body milk paragraph best... ur funny as hell dude.

Rusty - Fitness Black Book

Hey Michael,

I'm pumping your new show like crazy. I haven't even seen it yet, but watched The State back in college. Brilliant, yet retarded all at the same time.

Awww yeah...It's time for $240 worth of puddin!

Rusty

James Allen

Good points. Although I do disagree with you with regards to the need to stay in the Bat Cave.

Ryalye

I'm reading this while I'm in a hotel, but my hotel is lame. Maybe because it's a motel. But this place has free internet access, so sleeping on sheets of blood and cum is cool. Plus, I'm a prostitute so that all comes with the job anyways.

Zane

I read this while eating chocolate chip cookies in the comfort of my lovely home. I almost gagged mid-bite while reading the shitting part, but that goes with having too visual a mind. Which brings me to the body milk section. As if you don't have any use for lotion, alone in a hotel room, sitting in front of your computer, late at night. Alone.
As for the show, from what bits I have seen, you have nothing to worry about. The first 2 episodes were very funny and there seems to be a lot of positive buzz flying around, so sit back and enjoy the love that keeps coming at you.

And maybe don't try that last line on any of the cute girls in the lobby (even though it would probably work just fine coming from your handsome mug. Sigh.)

Jaime

"Also, stop charging for your terrible wireless internet connections. The internet is no longer a luxury item. It is a necessity."

Seriously!! My husband travels all the time, and it would be nice to use our webcams to say hello. But noooooooo, internet connections cost. So lame! My son can't remember what Daddy looks like. I blame hotels.

(I'm so excited about tonight. Yay! I've called up all my nerd friends. We pow wow tomorrow to discuss the fine points. Inordinately exited :)

Mitzi

i once stayed in a hotel room that had a "window wall" (one entire wall was floor-to-ceiling glass). i still don't get that, as i have never done anything in a hotel i wanted anyone else to see. unless they gave me a credit card number first.

Danny

All I can say is that I'm very disappointed that M&MHI will not be coming to Canada until the fall. Do I wait patiently, or do I download the episodes illegally? I need my fix of you guys!

Reen

Loved this! You hit on everything irritating about a hotel and then some.

Thank GOODNESS you brought up poop. What do you think of the fact that most bathrooms no longer have exhaust fans or supply spray? You're right about the no poop while chatting rule. A quick pee is ok, unless I'm talking to a male friend. Then even that is off limits. According to my Mormon beliefs, it is adulterous to wipe myself "down there" while listening to a mans voice.

Thanks for the giggles. And for the thought of you all alone in your hotel.

Wow. Look at the time. Time for my morning "coffee" break! Woo!

Zane

Of course, the main draw of staying in a hotel (for a married woman with 2 children) is the opportunity to get to act out what you think should be happening more often, with your spouse and sans children and creepy voyeuristic dog. Simply knowing that whatever mess you create, including all the chocolate sauce on the sheets, will be cleaned up by someone you never have to look in the eye, is a big aphrodisiac in itself. Viva l'hotels, I say!

caveat emptor

Haha, Zane! You're funny. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My husband and I really fuck up hotels whenever we don't have any kids with us. It's like a honeymoon, without the clumsiness of first time sex.

I'm a gay man, by the way.

Snorri

I know what you mean about the whole "Look at Me" thing. I once stayed in a hotel in Montreal that had no restaurant but smelled like salad bar! Also, the headboard, which was nailed to the wall, had the work FUCK carved out on it. Seriously hotel manager who's dozing at the counter so you can't buzz me in, stop trying so hard. Also, the bath was hairy.

estelluxx

i have SO talked on the phone while shitting.
it leads to sitting on the toilet for far too long, is the real problem...

Nickie

I haven't had to stay at a hotel in a long time and therefore can't say much, but I agree with the feeling "I'm only here because I need to be, so leave me alone." Isn't that the whole point? But as always, I enjoyed the read. Hopefully you can get back to your own house very soon.

I wanted to stop by and tell you that I really enjoyed MMHI tonight! And I'm not just saying that because I'm a fan, I wouldn't take the time to come here and lie. I thought it was very funny, laughed a lot, and already look forward to next week's episode! So I hope you and Show get the respect you deserve this time around!

Camille

There you go advertising what hotel you're staying in. I try not to think too hard about the previous tenants in hotel rooms because then I feel the need to dry myself off with paper towels(ala Tiny Tim) instead of the cloth ones provided that were used to wipe heaven-knows-what-who knows-where-probably-lots-of-buttcracks-and-no-no-places.

Mitzi

don't know if you bother to read these comments, but saw MMHI last night...loved it...my husband and i have been calling each other m-f-n-c-nazi unicorns since...more, please.

Jessie

MIB, I loved the show last night! Awesome!! Looking forward to next week! Good work. :)

Kristen

"I have never had a telephone conversation with somebody while shitting and I never will."

I don't believe that for a second. And the real dilemma, if you've succeeded in a quiet pee or poop while chatting, is then deciding whether or not to flush. Flushing is a dead give-away to the person you are talking to, but not flushing is gross.

Camille

Exactly,Kristen! haha! If you don't flush,then forget about it and have company later? Oh the tales they'll tell. Or not.

Jaime

That's why the "mute" button on your phone is the most essential button to know..... sneaky deuce. The best.

Eva

Haha, yes, the mute button is KEY. I have mastered phone convo's while taking shits. I keep the phone on mute, but keep my finger over the button for when I need to make an audible reply. Michael, try it! ahaha!! When I tweet while shitting I write, Shweet: Spread the word!

Also, sadly, I have only seen two clips of the show. I don't own a tv and it's not on hulu.

Jaime

Eva -- my kinda girl. Mute-deuceskis is totally my m.o. I'm not proud of that, but I'll own it man.

Also, the episodes are on iTunes if you don't have cable. You can watch them there. Happy shweeting!

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