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May 04, 2009

If I Ever Create a Doomsday Machine, I’d Like it to Have the Following Features:

• An On/Off Switch. You might think the “off” switch would be an unnecessary feature since turning the machine on pretty much guarantees that there won’t be anybody there to turn it off, but I prefer the symmetry of the “on/off” switch to the more whimsical “on” switch. Besides, simply having an “on” setting implies an “off” setting whether it’s labeled as such or not. So you might as well just ahead and label it.

• A Self-Destruct Function. Nobody has ever addressed the following question as far as I know: what happens to the Doomsday Machine after Doomsday? Does it doom itself? And what if it dooms itself before it dooms everything else? Then it’s faulty. To guard against the possibility of my Doomsday Machine surviving Doomsday, I would like it to have self-destruct function which self-activates twenty-four hours after the machine is turned on. This just seems like common sense. After all, I wouldn’t want my Doomsday Machine to get into a Wall•E situation where it’s all by itself and lonely.

• Digital Countdown Clock. On my Doomsday Machine, as I said, there’s no going back. Once you turn the thing on, it’s on. But I would like to have an adjustable digital countdown clock. After all, one of the best things about a Doomsday Machine is knowing exactly how long you’ve got until Doomsday strikes. How are you going to know that without a digital countdown clock? You won’t. Also, the numbers should be in red.

• Sexy Female Robot Voice. This goes along with the digital countdown clock. She should speak in that soothing Doomsday tone we all know from the movies. And I would prefer it if she said things like, “Doomsday will commence in…” and then say the time. And then at the end, after the final second has ticked to zero, I’d like her to say, “Doomsday has begun.” I think that would be hot.

• Fudge Cabinet. This is probably gratuitous, but it’s kind of my hallmark. All of my inventions include a small mahogany drawer which is used to store pieces of delicious homemade fudge from mom and pop fudge shoppes. Obviously, there would be no need for fudge once Doomsday has begun, but there would be lots of opportunities to eat good fudge in the weeks and months of planning leading up to Doomsday. My fudge of choice for Doomsday: maple walnut fudge.

• Electric Dog Fence. I think anybody who touches a Doomsday Machine should get a mild electric shock. That just seems fair. There are some very good electric dog fences on the market that give just such a shock. We use one for our dog and it works like a charm. It would also (hopefully) prevent curious toddlers from accidentally turning it on.

• Solar Panels. To conserve energy.

• Advanced Artificial Intelligence Consciousness and Desire For Self-Actualization. This would be the ultimate Doomsday Machine mind-fuck. Give the Doomsday Machine an awareness of self and a desire for self-actualization. The machine would know it exists, but would also know that to fulfill it’s potential it will have to destroy everything, including itself. What would it do? It will definitely fulfill its destiny but it will hate itself for doing so. Which only seems fair.

• Ms. Pac Man. Like the fudge cabinet this is probably unnecessary, but it’s the kind of thing that would be a fun diversion when working on the DM during beta testing and everything. Yes, I could just have a separate Ms. Pac Man machine somewhere else in the underground testing facility, but all things being equal, why not just build it into the mainframe?

• Fiberglass Outer Body Painted With Trans-Am “Screaming Chicken” Design. The fact is, the Doomsday Machine has to have an exterior, and you might as well make it the most awesome exterior imaginable. Which is, of course, the Trans-Am “Screaming Chicken.” No other graphic design has ever come close to touching it. How do I know? Because Burt Reynolds drove a Trans-Am in “Smoky and the Bandit,” and Burt knows a thing or two about awesomeness. Plus nothing says Doomsday has come like a screaming chicken.



                (When you see this, you will know Doomsday has arrived)


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Michael Friday

Thanks, but Peter George already covered this...And that was back in 1964.


The problem with having a sexy female robot voice as your Doomsday announcer is that you'd be tempted to flick the machine on and off just to listen to her.

And eventually you'd want to hear her all the way to the end...

david marshall

that was very entertaining!!! i enjoyed reading that very much. i always called it a "flame chicken" as opposed to "fire bird" =P


Fudge cabinet makes me chuckle


Further reading for today's teens looking into a career in super-villainy:


i knew you were some sort of prophet.
thank you sir.


Robot voices are always British. Why?


I'm concerned that the digital clock would be a problem if the electricity went off at any point before the actual "doom day" of your doomsday machine.

Your machine would become a big paperweight with a flashing 12:00....


A sexy female robot voice -and- MRS. PacMan. That's just sexist.

Jk; feminism blows. Proceed with the sexism.


Well, great. You just gave Fox their new show.

It was a sexy doomsday box, but when it was (struck by lightning, cursed by indians, damaged in fudge explosion) it came to life. With her only friend- the kooky Mrs. Pac Man, they must decide the fate of the world...through ZANY situations!

Hell, that's worse than the crap they show on Comedy Central...almost.

Christina (aka Melgarina)

I vote for peanut butter & chocolate fudge.


Dear MIB: I did not bother to take the time to read this blog(?) and apologize if I don't understand what the piece is about ( You are going to blow up something?) I will say that bombings aren't necessarily funny, but I'm sure you tried, which is all anyone can ask.
Keep Trying
A Fan


Maple walnut is a lovely choice for doomsday.

Let's see if we are all on the same page for the female sexy doomsday voice. I say she should have a tone in the mid to lower register, speak clearly and concisely, use only necessary inflection, and exude confidence. My choice would be an African American woman (think: "Matrix", and for you State fans: "Barry and Levon/Planet Groovy" sketch), followed by a Brit (think: most movies), and lastly an American. The American should not have a Barbara Streisand, Dolly Parton, flighty Valley Girl, or nasally Midwest accent. Which, pretty much rules out the American.

Thanks for bringing the funny to us on such a regular basis, Cutie. For free too!

The Naked Redhead

Whoah, whoah, so this fudge drawer can only have maple walnut fudge? Is that like a rule? What if you find you're suddenly allergic to nuts right before Doomsday? Suck-tastic.

Also, James Earl Jones is a much better choice for robot voice. He can send vibrations right to your nethers with that bass. Mmmmm. And it totally wouldn't be gay if you liked it, because it's James Earl Jones and he's an icon.


24 hours after it's tuned on .. I sense a possible pardox. Would it annihilate all of space/time? If it did, there would be no more hours -- and more it, I suppose.

Hey, some good fudge would make doomsday all the more fun!

I like the A.I self-awareness angle. It seems to lend suggestion towards a novel sci-fi plot. I mean, even H.A.L. wasn't a doomsday driver, for all his ... his astral quirkiness.

Dave? Dave's not here, man....


My vote: I think that the Doomsday device's voice should that of be a synthesized Brooklyn Jewish Princess. That would be fun... Fan Drescher greets you as you as you enter the last hours of everything and anything -- sort of like the cheap diner at the end of the universe? to adapt that metaphor of Douglas Adams' work


Hah! I love the irony of making your Doomsday machine green with the solar panels. I think it would be awesomer to have the robot also swear like a sailor.


It was good to see you on Reaper last night. That show is one of my favs. We should all follow the Path of Steve!

p.s. your karoake singing was pretty bad, but maybe that was intentional?


That was pretty much hilarious

The fudge cabinet is a wonderful idea, I'll bring the fudge if you bring the doomsday machine

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Is it me or robot voices are always British, or im hearing wrong?

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