If I Ever Create a Doomsday Machine, I’d Like it to Have the Following Features:
• An On/Off Switch. You might think the “off” switch would be an unnecessary feature since turning the machine on pretty much guarantees that there won’t be anybody there to turn it off, but I prefer the symmetry of the “on/off” switch to the more whimsical “on” switch. Besides, simply having an “on” setting implies an “off” setting whether it’s labeled as such or not. So you might as well just ahead and label it.
• A Self-Destruct Function. Nobody has ever addressed the following question as far as I know: what happens to the Doomsday Machine after Doomsday? Does it doom itself? And what if it dooms itself before it dooms everything else? Then it’s faulty. To guard against the possibility of my Doomsday Machine surviving Doomsday, I would like it to have self-destruct function which self-activates twenty-four hours after the machine is turned on. This just seems like common sense. After all, I wouldn’t want my Doomsday Machine to get into a Wall•E situation where it’s all by itself and lonely.
• Digital Countdown Clock. On my Doomsday Machine, as I said, there’s no going back. Once you turn the thing on, it’s on. But I would like to have an adjustable digital countdown clock. After all, one of the best things about a Doomsday Machine is knowing exactly how long you’ve got until Doomsday strikes. How are you going to know that without a digital countdown clock? You won’t. Also, the numbers should be in red.
• Sexy Female Robot Voice. This goes along with the digital countdown clock. She should speak in that soothing Doomsday tone we all know from the movies. And I would prefer it if she said things like, “Doomsday will commence in…” and then say the time. And then at the end, after the final second has ticked to zero, I’d like her to say, “Doomsday has begun.” I think that would be hot.
• Fudge Cabinet. This is probably gratuitous, but it’s kind of my hallmark. All of my inventions include a small mahogany drawer which is used to store pieces of delicious homemade fudge from mom and pop fudge shoppes. Obviously, there would be no need for fudge once Doomsday has begun, but there would be lots of opportunities to eat good fudge in the weeks and months of planning leading up to Doomsday. My fudge of choice for Doomsday: maple walnut fudge.
• Electric Dog Fence. I think anybody who touches a Doomsday Machine should get a mild electric shock. That just seems fair. There are some very good electric dog fences on the market that give just such a shock. We use one for our dog and it works like a charm. It would also (hopefully) prevent curious toddlers from accidentally turning it on.
• Solar Panels. To conserve energy.
• Advanced Artificial Intelligence Consciousness and Desire For Self-Actualization. This would be the ultimate Doomsday Machine mind-fuck. Give the Doomsday Machine an awareness of self and a desire for self-actualization. The machine would know it exists, but would also know that to fulfill it’s potential it will have to destroy everything, including itself. What would it do? It will definitely fulfill its destiny but it will hate itself for doing so. Which only seems fair.
• Ms. Pac Man. Like the fudge cabinet this is probably unnecessary, but it’s the kind of thing that would be a fun diversion when working on the DM during beta testing and everything. Yes, I could just have a separate Ms. Pac Man machine somewhere else in the underground testing facility, but all things being equal, why not just build it into the mainframe?
• Fiberglass Outer Body Painted With Trans-Am “Screaming Chicken” Design. The fact is, the Doomsday Machine has to have an exterior, and you might as well make it the most awesome exterior imaginable. Which is, of course, the Trans-Am “Screaming Chicken.” No other graphic design has ever come close to touching it. How do I know? Because Burt Reynolds drove a Trans-Am in “Smoky and the Bandit,” and Burt knows a thing or two about awesomeness. Plus nothing says Doomsday has come like a screaming chicken.
(When you see this, you will know Doomsday has arrived)