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April 13, 2009

Where Do I Find A Good Drug Dealer (Preferably Named Ricky)?

This post is going to expose a certain amount of naivete on my part, but I have often wondered where drug users get their drugs. How does one go about finding a drug dealer? There are obviously drug dealers around, because lots of people use drugs, but I have often been bedeviled with the question: how do these people find each other?

Maybe it’s because I don’t do drugs and so am at a safe remove from the scary underworld of pot smokers, but I have never understood how one goes about finding a supplier of illicit narcotics. Is it just “friend of a friend” stuff? Because throughout the years I have often asked friends who I am confident get high where they get their drugs and I am usually met with, at best, uncomfortable chuckles. Do they think I am a narc? Trust me when I say: there are no comedian narcs. (Except Mike Birbiglia, but that’s obvious)



I have often thought it would be great to have a regular and reliable drug dealer. Somebody courteous, friendly and responsible, who would be willing and able to supply me with whatever drugs I needed whenever the fancy struck. Say it’s five o’clock in the afternoon and I have a hankering for some ‘meth. It would be so great to pick up the phone and call Ricky.

(My hypothetical drug dealer’s name is Ricky because it sounds like the kind of name that is both friendly but also scummy, which is how I want my drug dealer to be. There should be an adjective to describe people who are friendly and scummy at the same time: “Deadhead?”)

I would call him up and say, “Hey Ricky, can you bring over some ‘candy?’” Candy would be our codeword for drugs. When he asks what kind of candy, I would say “meth.”

“Sure friend,” Ricky would respond because even though our relationship is professional, on some level we are also friends or at least friendly. Like the bagel guy I purchase my breakfast from every morning.

Half an hour later Ricky would arrive at my doorstep with my candy. I would invite him in for pizza because it’s pizza night. He would politely decline, and then slip me a couple Vicodin “on the house,” in case the ‘meth got a little too much to handle.

“Thanks Ricky,” I would say. “See you soon.”

“Bye Mike,” he would say, and then jump on his moped and putter away to wherever drug dealers go on their mopeds.

Doesn’t that seem like a civil way to conduct illegal business?

But I don’t have a Ricky in my life. The closest I have is a doctor who gave me pain killers once when I broke my wrist. Those pain killers are long gone, but my wrist still hurts when it rains or when I think about snowboarding.

I used to think that once I got famous people would start offering me drugs left and right as a way to curry favor. No dice. Maybe I’m not famous enough. But shouldn’t even people who are a little bit famous get offered drugs: even crappy drugs? Isn’t that one of the main reasons people get famous? Nobody’s even offering me chewable vitamins. I got a pair of free Saucony sneakers once, but no matter how hard I huffed on that new shoe smell, I didn’t even get a buzz. So I threw them out.

A big part of my career master plan is to get hooked on drugs so I can get the resultant press when I decide to clean up. Then I could hit the college lecture circuit like Jody Sweeten from “Full House.” You wouldn’t even know the name Jody Sweeten if she hadn’t been a tweaker.

As it is, I’m such a ninny that I will probably never have a proper drug habit even if I do find my Ricky. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try. Because drugs may have a bad rap, but it’s not like they ever killed anyone. 

Alright, it’s late. I’m gonna take my usual six Ambien and call it a night.


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Reen is tired.




From the 21 Jump Street Guide to Making Friends:

1) get a convenient home in the ghetto

2) learn how to fit in, with nobody doubting your integrity as a ghetto resident (you can get creative, here - as every successful ghetto resident must ultimately tend to, in some way or another)

3) follow the path of least resistance to the objective you have stated, as such. It probably wouldn't be difficult, by then.

An option that some would pursue, before # 3 there: Pick up a firearm. If not knowing how to use it effectively, at least know how to look threatening, with it -- or to think you do, in which case, roll with peepz who think you do too.

Just another loverly exceprt from the 21 Jump Street Guide to Making Friends:


I cannot believe no one has mentioned THE Ricky, THE Drug dealer... of THE Trailer Park Boys. Only the definitive Ricky... and no doubt the sub-conscious inspiration for your Ricky... For those still not in the know - http://www.trailerparkboys.com/

Bubbles is the best btw...

Good Luck.


Anonymous is boring.

paul bowers

what you should of said was nothing. What you did say was Birbiglia is a narc.

Stacey E

Oh Michael Ian Black, just say "no" to me'th.
Interesting that Amy Sedaris had an imaginary, abusive boyfriend named Ricky. Same guy?
Would your Ricky hit you because you "made hime do it", and then turn around and apologize with a big bouquet of met'h?


That's funny. I've always wondered this and i DO do drugs! I always just ask my friends tho. The thought of going to a "drug dealer" totally sketches me out. I found them just by hooking up in a club doing drugs, or asking druggie friends "who do you know that could get me __?" I have always refused to go to a "drug dealer" (just as i refuse to do certain drugs).But I'm also a different kind of drug user. Maybe I should though, cuz there's always those friends that get you stuff, but then stay to use it with you EVERY TIME and end up using half the shit you just bought from them! Like Snoop Dogg in "Half Baked". Hey, maybe that's a marketing ploy? You know, they use half your shit cuz then not only did they get free drugs, but now you've gotta buy more from them to boot. It could be some marketing secret they teach you when you get your dealer's license...

And hubby and i do use "candy" as a codeword, although 9 times out of 10 it means rolls (ecstasy). "Greens" is weed, "Snow" is blow, "caps" are shrooms, and "tabs" were acid. Now that I think about it, its totally paranoid to talk in code to your dealer (or to assume your phone is tapped) but i guess it's pretty common? I've never gotten free drugs of a different kind just for buying. I have gotten extra of what i was buying just for being a loyal customer. I've also gotten free drugs just for having great tits, and as a present from guys (and girls) that wanted to screw me. And once a skinhead gave me free drugs just cuz I was hot and black and that somehow gets you free drugs from skinheads (I guess that's somewhere in the fine print of "Mein Kampf")? The next time you come to Atlanta I'll offer, just so you can say that you've been offered some! ;)

P.S. None of my "friend of a friend"-just happen to be passing drugs along to you- dealers have been named Ricky. Although alot of the people my people went to to get stuff have been named "Slick" though, is that close enough? They could've been "Slick Ricks"...




There's this character in Greensboro, North Carolina named Ricky. Actually, Ricky is a crackhead, but an amiable one if ever there was one. He is normally seen on Tate St. asking for pennies. "Pennies, give me your pennies, I love pennies." He'll even sell you stuff out of his house. (Yes, even crackheads have houses. Just not electricity on the regular) Ricky's not really a drug dealer, just a connoisseur of sorts. The crack sorts. He'll probably get you some crack (I know he's helped out my friends once or twice). After you stopped by Ricky's house to purchase $12 worth of chairs ("Now this here is an AN-TIQUE"), bar stools, and sunglasses,(Which incidentally may have been taken from someone's yard from some point, I'm not quite sure where Ricky acquires his eclectic collection) feel free to stop on the corner of Highland St. and W. Lee and receive complimentary Herpes from the Hookers on the corner. I hear they'll even deliver you beer.


this dragon i know from bethel can hook you up. he tells me he works at this grocery store you go to and has bagged your groceries. look for this dragon. he goes by the name falcor.


Soooo I know a guy who knows a guy... named Ricky

And if I saw you on the street I'd totally offer you some drugs


Drug dealers are all ex-boyfriends who I wouldn't let deal when they were with me, or their friends. Conveniently, every one I know is a pizza delivery man as well. Which says something about my taste in men, but probably so does doing any drugs? Haha.

I've never hopped on the using code names for things. People get pissed when I text them "Would you be able to trade me $30 for 3.5 grams of marijuana?"


Tryin to find a discreat dealer (brooklyn or manhatton) I'm looking for crack ...(not a narc just a college student)......ill pay dubble just don't wanna go to the hood and get jiped.....anyway if u could held out email me or call 718 4960931


Anyone in CT have candy? I have such a sweet tooth.


Im "Ricky" and you know nothing of my work.
Yes, you can find me everywhere..... and I mean everywhere

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