Where Do I Find A Good Drug Dealer (Preferably Named Ricky)?

This post is going to expose a certain amount of naivete on my part, but I have often wondered where drug users get their drugs. How does one go about finding a drug dealer? There are obviously drug dealers around, because lots of people use drugs, but I have often been bedeviled with the question: how do these people find each other?

Maybe it’s because I don’t do drugs and so am at a safe remove from the scary underworld of pot smokers, but I have never understood how one goes about finding a supplier of illicit narcotics. Is it just “friend of a friend” stuff? Because throughout the years I have often asked friends who I am confident get high where they get their drugs and I am usually met with, at best, uncomfortable chuckles. Do they think I am a narc? Trust me when I say: there are no comedian narcs. (Except Mike Birbiglia, but that’s obvious)

  

                         (narc)         

I have often thought it would be great to have a regular and reliable drug dealer. Somebody courteous, friendly and responsible, who would be willing and able to supply me with whatever drugs I needed whenever the fancy struck. Say it’s five o’clock in the afternoon and I have a hankering for some ‘meth. It would be so great to pick up the phone and call Ricky.

(My hypothetical drug dealer’s name is Ricky because it sounds like the kind of name that is both friendly but also scummy, which is how I want my drug dealer to be. There should be an adjective to describe people who are friendly and scummy at the same time: “Deadhead?”)

I would call him up and say, “Hey Ricky, can you bring over some ‘candy?’” Candy would be our codeword for drugs. When he asks what kind of candy, I would say “meth.”

“Sure friend,” Ricky would respond because even though our relationship is professional, on some level we are also friends or at least friendly. Like the bagel guy I purchase my breakfast from every morning.

Half an hour later Ricky would arrive at my doorstep with my candy. I would invite him in for pizza because it’s pizza night. He would politely decline, and then slip me a couple Vicodin “on the house,” in case the ‘meth got a little too much to handle.

“Thanks Ricky,” I would say. “See you soon.”

“Bye Mike,” he would say, and then jump on his moped and putter away to wherever drug dealers go on their mopeds.

Doesn’t that seem like a civil way to conduct illegal business?

But I don’t have a Ricky in my life. The closest I have is a doctor who gave me pain killers once when I broke my wrist. Those pain killers are long gone, but my wrist still hurts when it rains or when I think about snowboarding.

I used to think that once I got famous people would start offering me drugs left and right as a way to curry favor. No dice. Maybe I’m not famous enough. But shouldn’t even people who are a little bit famous get offered drugs: even crappy drugs? Isn’t that one of the main reasons people get famous? Nobody’s even offering me chewable vitamins. I got a pair of free Saucony sneakers once, but no matter how hard I huffed on that new shoe smell, I didn’t even get a buzz. So I threw them out.

A big part of my career master plan is to get hooked on drugs so I can get the resultant press when I decide to clean up. Then I could hit the college lecture circuit like Jody Sweeten from “Full House.” You wouldn’t even know the name Jody Sweeten if she hadn’t been a tweaker.

As it is, I’m such a ninny that I will probably never have a proper drug habit even if I do find my Ricky. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try. Because drugs may have a bad rap, but it’s not like they ever killed anyone. 

Alright, it’s late. I’m gonna take my usual six Ambien and call it a night.

Comments

[Sean Osman]

I usually find 'em on Craigslist.

[Ian]

Whatchu need, Mike?

If you work a lot of shitty menial jobs, you meet a lot of hookups, by the way. Fast food kitchens are gold mines.

[methy mearl]

I thought you and the crew we're stoned the whole time the state was on mtv if not on acid. Stay golden.

-tenstrip joe

[Nicole]

Candy? haha that's so funny b/c that's my friends and I code word too! and yes, most of us don't like sharing information, you never know who's a narc its not like they where a big sign on their forehead that says narc. Oh, and by the way college is a great way to find em'

[sam]

soooo im from bethel and know a guy
and
his name is ricky

your welcome

[Ruth]

The only Bethel I know is a Christian college. I like to think it's full of drug dealers named Ricky. I like to believe I'm not wrong in that estimation.

[krissie]

there is no apostrophe in Meth. if there was, it would come at the end because "Meth" is short for Methamphetamine. But yea, there's no apostrophe in Meth.

I'm sending you to drug school, where you will quickly learn the proper spelling of any and all drug names, and the fact that you would clearly be charged for said "on the house" vicodin, in one way or another.

[Libby]

Wow. Nothing but drug dealers and and grammar freaks here. I thought your blog was cool, man. Ricky totally led me astray...

[Bailey]

My friend has a friend who's dating a guy named Rick. They call him Pretty Ricky, which is funny because his face and teeth are so messed up from all the meth he used to do. Now apparently he's off meth but he does lots of pot and they just caught him snorting some Adderall. I've also been told he has lots of painkillers on hand.

I guess Rick's not an official dealer, but he could score you some stuff really easily. Sadly, he lives no where near you (or me thank God). Also, I don't think he has a moped, just a black Lincoln. He used to have a black Escalade but crashed it into a bus when he was high as usual.

I'm pretty sure I can get his number for you. Then maybe you too can hang out with guys known as Pretty Ricky, Tato and Dead Baby Guy.

[Devon]

Yo, if you're from the same Bethel town that's near me, you got the hookup. Rich fuck absentee parents = bored kids cookin' the good shit in the basement. God bless Bethel.

Seriously tho, if you come from a white trash town (my hand is raised), meth is not hard to come by. Pot and prescription shit are easy, too. Anything else, go to tha hood and try not to look like an asshole.

[Matt N]

Way to shirk suspicion.

[Sara B]

All I had to do was randomly mention that I was sick to the guy living across the street from me (whose name just happens to be Rick... But I'm sure his very affectionate friends call him "Ricky"). First he offered me pot for my ailments. Then, when I passed, he offered me "a line," which I guess was supposed to be less intimidating than pot.

[Brianna]

I love how all the Bethel druggies come out to represent... oh Connecticut.

[Dichtenstein]

You'd be better off finding a Doctor Ricky. Trust me. Doctor Ricky might not be cooking a Big Batch O'Meth in the "Second Kitchen," but he can definitely hook you up with something better than Vicodin. If it weren't for the physicians in my area, there would be no good drugs. And really, what fun is there living in a place that is devoid of its own prescription drug epidemic?

I know of very few One-Stop Drug Shops. Most drug dealers usually have some kind of specialty, like pot or pain pills or LSD/Shrooms/Mescaline. And they usually don't deliver. It sounds to me like you're not willing to put in the effort required of a self-loathing dope fiend. You would do well to get arrested, if only to make a few friends in low places.

[Diantha]

My friends stop by the local library a lot, and end up with CANDY, I think they meet up with their Rickies. But this is Utah and Ricky is an Eastern name, so their man is probably not named Ricky- it's probably like Joshua.

[dvd]

i lived in bethel on the 2nd floor of a house.

the kid below me sold coke.

[Michael Ian Black]

it's jodie sweetin

[sam]

yeh lots of drugs in bethel. but its deff not white trash... just a select few

[Sarah]

I live in the suburbs of Detroit, and my friend had a dealer who made deliveries. It was pretty much how you described it. My friend would call the guy (his name wasn't Ricky, but it was similarly scummy) and the dealer would show up about an hour later. After the deal was done the guy would hang out and play video games and smoke pot. He wouldn't throw in any free Vicodin, though.

The best way to find a dealer is to actually use drugs with your friends instead of asking them about their dealer. Then you can build up to asking about how to score some drugs for yourself. Of course they're going to look at you funny if you ask about their dealer and they know you don't do drugs, haha.

[Melissa]

Hugs not drugs.

And lots of unprotected sex.

Just as dangerous?

[The Naked Redhead]

What's with all the celebrities thinking they have to take drugs, then clean up to get famous?

Dude, have illicit affairs with anything that breathes, then call yourself a "sex addict"...look at what happened to David Duchovny! For awhile, all of America was like, "Oh, hey! The guy from the X-Files ruined his marriage. Oh! And he's still on TV! Neat!"

And "HA!" on the Jodie Sweetin comment. That's good, good stuff.

[Jaime]

"I’m such a ninny that I will probably never have a proper drug habit even if I do find my Ricky." I adore this romanticized love affair with your Ricky. This sentence is the best.

And I agree with Nudie Red -- sex addict. That's hot.

[Chris]

A good way to find some drugs is to go into a prison and look inside an inmates asshole. Sometimes there will be drugs stuffed up in there. I've never actually been to prison (yet) but I've seen this many times on prison shows on A&E.

[Matt]

I still didn't know who Jodie Sweetin was, or that she had a drug problem.

[Reen]

Once you find Ricky, I sure hope he doesn't lose your number.