Some Thoughts on Hunting

When I finally decide to give in and start hunting, I am going to go after big game. To me, there’s no point in hunting things that cannot kill you. Rabbits, for example, while delicious and good for coats, pose no genuine threat and should not be hunted. Stomped, yes. Not hunted.

Ditto foxes.

Ditto bobcats. Yes, bobcats. Some people think bobcats are dangerous, and they are. But they are not deadly. That’s the salient point I’m trying to make. Bobcats walk right up to the dangerous/deadly line, but do not cross it. If you are already lame, a bobcat might be able to finish you off, but by itself a bobcat poses little threat to a healthy adult.

What about a llama? No. There is literally no reason to hunt llamas. They are domesticated animals, and so are inclined to do your bidding already. They aren’t going to kill you. You might feel like killing a llama if it spits on you, but in my book, spitting is not a capital offense. If it were, I would have killed my son. But I didn’t. Because it’s not a capital offense. It is, however, a spanking offense. (Not for llamas. They don’t care if you spank them.)

Buffalo? Yes. Buffalo I could hunt. That should be obvious. But I would not make the mistake my American forefathers made, which is to hunt the buffalo nearly to extinction. Obviously this is a hypothetical point because one man could not hunt a buffalo to extinction unless he shot a buffalo with quick-acting contagious buffalo cancer. But to my knowledge, such a disease does not exist, and if it does I do not have access to it, and even if I did have access to it, I would not know how to fit it in a bullet.

Elk? Yes. Elk are deadly, deadly deer. You probably didn’t know elk are deer. They are. Deadly deer. And they should be hunted. Unlike buffalo, though, if I could, I would hunt them to extinction. Not because of any animus towards this majestic cloven-hoofed creature, but just for bragging rights. So when I walked into a bar, people would nudge each other and whisper, “Isn’t that the guy who hunted elk to extinction?” instead of what they normally whisper, which is, “Isn’t that guy’s nut sack out?”

 

                                         (Me one day soon)

Snakes? Yes. Not all snakes, of course, because not all snakes are deadly, but I would definitely seek out deadly snakes to hunt. But I would use a set of ice tongs just to make it fair. Snakes don’t have limbs, so you need to kind of balance the odds. For me, that means ice tongs. You might think a set of ice tongs against an anaconda would put me at a disadvantage, but my ice tongs are from Tiffanys. So yes, I would kill deadly snakes and leave the pussy snakes alone. Unless they got up in my shit. If a snake gets up in my shit, deadly or not, it’s going down.

Lions? Obviously.

What about scary dogs? Scary dogs should be trained not hunted. Because inside of every scary dog is a not-scary dog waiting to be loved. And inside of ever not-scary dog is a killing machine waiting to be unleashed. The trick is a “kill word.” Give your not-scary dog a kill word.

Ponies? No.

Deadly birds? Yeah. You don’t have a choice when it comes to deadly birds. They need to be hunted down without mercy. What kind of bird is a deadly bird? That’s the problem. You don’t know until it’s eating your eyes. Word to the wise: hunt birds. This is how chicken became a dietary staple. People hunted them for fear of their deadliness, and then decided they were delicious. Soon people were raising chickens and totally disregarding the danger. When the chicken revolution comes, those people will be sorry. But I won’t be sorry, because I will be leading the chicken revolution.

In a chicken suit. Out of respect.

 

                                 (Me at the revolution)

Comments

[Theresa]

Just wanted to share that I recently had a mooseburger killed and cooked by my friend...and damn it was tasty. I feel like you should probably eat what you kill and try to use as much of the carcass that you can, like the native americans did. MMMMMmmmm....that mooseburger was delicious.

[Chaddgar]

I prefer my food to be already dead by the time I decide to eat it. It's kind of like hunting, but without the guilt, or the fear of Dick Cheney being nearby.

[saralibbey]

So when you walk into the bar you want them to say "Isn't that the guy that hunted the elk to extintion,with his nut sack hanging out"?

[Katurah J]

u are so frickn funnii omegah this was a "pick me up" for ma boring night at work lol thanx so much 4 this

[Tucker Max Fan]

you see Tucker's latest tweet, Michael?:

@michaelianblack Sold my 800,000th book this week, right now #3 on NYT list. U can still get a shot at my royalty check. Don't be scurred!!

[DamnThisSux]

Viva La Revolucion!

[s.gothman]

What about beaver?

[Mikey]

Do you hunt fish? Technically, all fish are deadly because you're fighting in THEIR WORLD. On land: little threat. Underwater: Russell Crowe's 'Gladiator'.

And what of crustaceans? They are the masters of both worlds.

[carottechieko]

Finally, I understood your strategy. you have a big heart. je vous shouhaite "bonne courrage."
I soutiens you.!

[dede]

Come to Ky and go huntin with the rednecks! only thing they get drunk and usually shoot each other or somehow their dogs shoot them. got to love dumb rednecks

[Camille]

Aw,Tucker still holding onto your rivalry is so ,like, 2008. Give it up,brother! Maybe he'll get his own show one day, too...

LOVED this blog! I'm pretty sure the three bluejays outside my window are deadly but just to be sure I'm going to send my son out there to befriend them.

[AmbroseKalifornia]

I, for one, welcome our new chicken overlords.

[Reen]

Yeah Michael, I can't *believe* you didn't say you like to "hunt Beaver". (Insert "Chrissy Snow" snort)

This was a hilarious blog to read while enjoying my very late morning coffee.

As a huge game hunter myself, I'd like you to get on board with hunting the kind of huge game I call Parrots.

http://www.gadgetmadness.com/archives/squawkers-mccaw-robot-parrot.jpg

HOLY GOD!

If you like me you'll do that for me. Any pet shop I ever go in, those big ass birds (that are ALWAYS loose, I'M SO SURE!) seek me out and start staring me down with their psycho eyes. It's like a scene from Hitchcocks "The Birds". They want me. Only me. They want to dig their demonic talons into my bony shoulders and pluck out the blue balls of my eyes - all the while hollering and shrieking for back-up.

Sorry.

As a side, I hope you never stop blogging just because you have your twitter. (That "lingo riddled" sentence would never have been muttered, say, 10 years ago. It also sounds dirty.)

[heather]

Chicken revolution...funny! For some reason I have a vision of zombie chickens in my mind. Why hasn't someone made a movie about zombie animals attacking humans? Or have they?

[Bailey]

You say, "When I finally decide to give in and start hunting," but we both know that you will never actually give in and start hunting. The sentence should be, "If I ever gave in and began hunting." It could also go, "I will never ever hunt, but I wrote this blog about hunting for no real reason. Also, I, Michael Ian Black, think that I, Michael Ian Black, am hilarious."

[Ashli]

"So yes, I would kill deadly snakes and leave the pussy snakes alone. Unless they got up in my shit. If a snake gets up in my shit, deadly or not, it’s going down."

LOL
I totally almost spit Coke all over my computer cuz if anything pussy-esque gets up in my shit, it's going down too.

[Michelle]

You. Are. Brilliant.

[Bailey]

The thing is, all animals are potentially deadly, if they have rabies.

Also, I'm pretty sure I read a book, maybe it was even a series, where the bunny was a vampire. I believe his name was Bunnicula. These books were based on fact. And if a bunny can be a vampire, can't other animals be too? And if animals can be vampires, they then could either kill or turn other animals into vampires which is probably just as bad as dying, so shouldn't all animals be hunted before they turn deadly? I mean, why wait until they are deadly which they most certainly can be considered if they are a vampire or infected with rabies? We must stop them now!

I'm on codeine.

[Soda & Candy]

Wow, I just found your blog and I love it.

I always loved you on those random VH1 shows and now here you are in my preferred form of anything, blogs!

S&C

[Jenny, Bloggess]

My father hunts bear using only a bow and arrow because guns are for pussies. True story. Also he mounts them himself. And by "mounts them" I mean he stuffs them. With his penis.

This is all true except for the penis part.

[saralibbey]

Oh and anyone ever see Chicken Run.. Yeah, it could happen!

[Martin D. Fallswell, of Fallswell, Fallswell, and Bink]

Dick Cheney! duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh Cheney!

...and his boy-robin Zach.....

I hunt squirrels with a shotgun, gee it's fun.

I mistook my neighbor's chihuahua as a squirrel, once. That wasn't fun, so I went out and hunted some more squirrels. That was fun.

Cheney!

[Jessica]

ROFL. Shameless plug... but we love you anyway :P

[Felicia]

I think I could arrange the bobcats...someone saw four on the street behind me. You could make a mockumentary of your search and eventual slaying of the animals--call it "Bobcats in Connecticut". Michael Moore would seethe with jealousy, mostly because I don't think they have many bobcats in Detroit, only unemployed factory workers and serial killers.

[Megan]

Getting all you can out of that chicken suit, eh bub?