When I finally decide to give in and start hunting, I am going to go after big game. To me, there’s no point in hunting things that cannot kill you. Rabbits, for example, while delicious and good for coats, pose no genuine threat and should not be hunted. Stomped, yes. Not hunted.
Ditto bobcats. Yes, bobcats. Some people think bobcats are dangerous, and they are. But they are not deadly. That’s the salient point I’m trying to make. Bobcats walk right up to the dangerous/deadly line, but do not cross it. If you are already lame, a bobcat might be able to finish you off, but by itself a bobcat poses little threat to a healthy adult.
What about a llama? No. There is literally no reason to hunt llamas. They are domesticated animals, and so are inclined to do your bidding already. They aren’t going to kill you. You might feel like killing a llama if it spits on you, but in my book, spitting is not a capital offense. If it were, I would have killed my son. But I didn’t. Because it’s not a capital offense. It is, however, a spanking offense. (Not for llamas. They don’t care if you spank them.)
Buffalo? Yes. Buffalo I could hunt. That should be obvious. But I would not make the mistake my American forefathers made, which is to hunt the buffalo nearly to extinction. Obviously this is a hypothetical point because one man could not hunt a buffalo to extinction unless he shot a buffalo with quick-acting contagious buffalo cancer. But to my knowledge, such a disease does not exist, and if it does I do not have access to it, and even if I did have access to it, I would not know how to fit it in a bullet.
Elk? Yes. Elk are deadly, deadly deer. You probably didn’t know elk are deer. They are. Deadly deer. And they should be hunted. Unlike buffalo, though, if I could, I would hunt them to extinction. Not because of any animus towards this majestic cloven-hoofed creature, but just for bragging rights. So when I walked into a bar, people would nudge each other and whisper, “Isn’t that the guy who hunted elk to extinction?” instead of what they normally whisper, which is, “Isn’t that guy’s nut sack out?”
(Me one day soon)
Snakes? Yes. Not all snakes, of course, because not all snakes are deadly, but I would definitely seek out deadly snakes to hunt. But I would use a set of ice tongs just to make it fair. Snakes don’t have limbs, so you need to kind of balance the odds. For me, that means ice tongs. You might think a set of ice tongs against an anaconda would put me at a disadvantage, but my ice tongs are from Tiffanys. So yes, I would kill deadly snakes and leave the pussy snakes alone. Unless they got up in my shit. If a snake gets up in my shit, deadly or not, it’s going down.
What about scary dogs? Scary dogs should be trained not hunted. Because inside of every scary dog is a not-scary dog waiting to be loved. And inside of ever not-scary dog is a killing machine waiting to be unleashed. The trick is a “kill word.” Give your not-scary dog a kill word.
Deadly birds? Yeah. You don’t have a choice when it comes to deadly birds. They need to be hunted down without mercy. What kind of bird is a deadly bird? That’s the problem. You don’t know until it’s eating your eyes. Word to the wise: hunt birds. This is how chicken became a dietary staple. People hunted them for fear of their deadliness, and then decided they were delicious. Soon people were raising chickens and totally disregarding the danger. When the chicken revolution comes, those people will be sorry. But I won’t be sorry, because I will be leading the chicken revolution.
In a chicken suit. Out of respect.
(Me at the revolution)