My Brutal Work-Out Regimen

There are probably those among you that think somebody like me, blessed with enormous talent and startling good looks, requires very little personal maintenance other than biannual trips to the dentist and a regular supply of Rogaine. You would be wrong to think that. In fact, there is an extreme amount of effort required for me to look this effortlessly gorgeous.

For one thing, there is my cardio program, which consists of once-weekly sessions on the treadmill. This morning, for example, I ran for almost half an hour! (“Running” is obviously a subjective term. In my case it meant brisk walking. Again, “brisk” is a subjective term. As is “half an hour.” As is “treadmill.”)

If that sounds like a brutal regimen, trust me, it is. Were that all, I would still be in incredible shape. But I combine that with a daily stair-climbing workout that would put most Navy SEALs to shame. My house has two different staircases, which I traverse several times a day. Up, down, up, down, and that’s generally it. Occasionally I have been known to take some of these steps two at a time, without even pausing on the landing before ascending.

Throwing up yet? If not, try getting up with me in the morning. What time? How about eight o’clock in the morning??? Sometimes a little later, depending. And I do that four or five times a week. This is after going to bed around midnight! Try living on eight hours a night of sleep for a few weeks, then check back in with me to see if you’re surviving.

Then throw in my strength training. If you’re not weeping from the cardio, then travel with me to my home gym, which is consists of one single, sadistic piece of equipment: a ping-pong table. Granted, playing ping-pong doesn’t technically fit the definition of “strength training,” since the heaviest thing I lift during these sessions is a ping-pong paddle. But there is a lot of bending over to retrieve the ping-pong ball, which necessitates lifting my own body weight over and over and over again. Special Forces have long used the body’s own resistance as the core of their training, and I do the same thing. Yes, it’s extreme. Yes, it’s brutal. Yes, it’s the reason I look so good.

The exercise is only half the equation, though, because without a proper diet it would all be for naught. That’s why my diet is just as extreme as my work-outs. For example, breakfast this morning consisted of one slice of homemade banana bread (no butter), and a handful of Frosted Flakes straight out of the box. Plus two cups of English Breakfast tea and a Lexapro, which has no calories, but makes a shitload of seratonin. Lunch was homemade quesadillas and guacamole, followed by some vegetable crudite. EXTREME! Dinner? Perhaps the most brutal of all: chicken sausage served with penne and maybe a glass of white wine.

Why do I subject myself to this level of deprivation? Because in this game, you’ve got to stay one step ahead of the competition, and I know right now, there are hundreds of young comedians desperate to take my place in the basic cable stratosphere. They are just waiting for me to slip up, even for a second, so that they can take my place in various VH1 programs reminiscing about decades past, and assorted failed television projects. Well I’m not about to let that happen.

Which is why I will continue to rise at the crack of eight or nine o’clock in the morning and subject myself to my intense work-outs, (I didn’t even mention taking foul shots on my driveway basketball hoop this afternoon with my son) killer cardio, and miserable diet. Because if you’re going to stay on top, you’ve got to be willing to sacrifice. And also to Twitter a lot. And host fake reality shows. And maybe do some commercials for soda pop.

God, I’m such a loser.

 

Comments

[Mr. Black]

My son is no loser!

[Mike Williams]

OMG!!!

I'm exhausted after just READING this. I need a nap now.

*whew*

[Zack Gold]

Brutal. Absolutely brutal. I just ride my bike intensively. That burns off about 1,000 calories whenever I ride.

[jbj]

Wow, I had that same routine when I was on Lexapro...then I gained 50 lbs. Good luck!

[Liz]

So if I follow this regiment will I have the body of a twelve year old girl too? ;)

[Will]

I follow two people on twitter. You and Lance Armstrong. It's sometimes difficult to tell you two apart. For instance, one day, he biked for 6 hours, and you ate TWO fudgsicles. I have never thrown up from biking too much, but I have definitely thrown up from eating too much ice cream. Screw Levar, start a twitter war with Lance.

[Mikey]

You're like Tony Little, but in better shape and more positive.

[jen]

wow, i am impressed. that is sooo hardcore. badass. amazing. haha i don't know how you do it

btw. i recently became a fan of yours and i absolutely love you!!! seriously-you always make my day.

[thecitychicken]

Lexapro? What, couldn't lift a Celexa? That's what *I* have to lift every morning. *And* half a Seroquel. Yeah, it really breaks a sweat. Also, you spelled 'serotonin' wrong. It's okay. You probably have big biceps; I don't expect you to also be a Rhodes scholar.

[Tim]

Not even Richard Simmons himself, would dare try and sweat to this.
Not only does scrolling down this page let you read all your helpful information, give you a sense of accomplishment, but it also allows you to leave a comment while hyperventilating.
It makes it hard to explain why you're excited and have sweaty fingers while staring at the computer.

[Live Gently]

Michael, you continue to be an inspiration.

I don't know how you do it - can it be that divine sources are at work here?

Thank you for all you do, and for the many things you haven't done.

You are truly a gift to humanity.

[Amanda]

I like how you make normal life sound like a workout. This makes me feel better about myself. *laughs*

[Paul]

Sounds like you're ready for an Ironman or Ultra-marathon. I'd suggest a marathon, but that sounds to easy for your level of training.

[The Naked Redhead]

Here's a suggestion: measure yourself. Not your girth, but your height. A few years ago, I discovered that I was not 5'4" as I had thought, but a whopping FIVE FEET FIVE INCHES! And that, my friend, made my weight much more proportionate to my height. In a word, a simple tape measure showed me that I was almost skinny!

Of course, had it gone the other way, I'd be binging and purging like all the good dieters, so there's definitely a risk. But totally worth it in the end.

[Kate the Sto]

Wow, you are amazing. I've been following parts of this incredibly strict training regimen and I didn't even know! I must be a natural...no wonder I look and feel amazing so much of the time. It's tough being this awesome isn't it?

[Camille]

What one person considers a failure,another sees it as a great accomplishment.
Now enough with the reverse psychology,go look at some boobs and buck up,lil' camper!

[Bailey]

Ast-uh-hounding.

/applaud

^genuine praise

[ieatbuttons]

Wow I knew there was a secret to how good you look!

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