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March 19, 2009

Manson - Not Handsome!

We finally got a new look at Charles Manson today, and I for one am disappointed with this year’s model. Where are my beloved crazy eyes? Where is the scraggly Mennonite beard? What about the groovy hair? Sure he’s got the swastika carved into his forehead but it’s looking a bit perfunctory these days, like the polo playing guy on Ralph Lauren shirts. (Note: that faded swastika is a textbook case for why you need to put sunscreen on tattoos!) The craziest thing about the new Charles Manson are his eyebrows, which could use a good waxing.

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                               (booooooring)

For forty years, Charles Manson has been America’s pre-eminent bogeyman, the guy we turned to when we got sick of Oprah and just wanted a lil’ Evil. And for all that time, he’s given us exactly what we asked for: eye rolling, finger wagging, head twitching, mouth frothing. For forty years, the guy couldn’t open his mouth without something creepy falling out.

He was the Cal Ripken Jr. of crazy.

Now though, he’s in his mid-seventies, long past the age when most nutjobs hang up their straitjackets, and it’s clear his heart just isn’t in it anymore. Manson clearly wants to hand the crown to somebody, but nobody is there to take it. Nobody has ever come close to challenging Manson as the undisputed heavyweight of psychopaths. Not Ted Bundy. Not the Zodiac. Not even Jeffrey Dahmer – and he ate people!

Manson pretty did it all: hippie, cult leader, murderer of Hollywood actress, interpreter of Beatles lyrics, one-time auditioner for “the Monkees.” Who is going to top a resumé like that? Nobody. But what’s so disappointing is that nobody’s even trying. Modern supervillains aren’t trying to start race riots. They’re just stealing money.

Money?

That’s so boring, so pedestrian, so bourgeois. Manson didn’t give a shit about money. He was having orgies. He was writing songs. He was dropping acid. He was smearing the word "Pigs" on the walls in blood. Manson was a guy who knew how to be fucking crazy!

What did Bernie Madoff ever do compared to that?

But now it’s clear that Charles Manson’s best days are behind him. His red-rimmed eyes and close-cropped hair give no hint of the rake who once said, “I’m the king, man. I run the underworld. I decide who does what and where they do it at… the game’s mine. I deal the cards.” Friends, that’s my Manson.

Or take this delightful exchange:


What contemporary crazy can compete with that? None – why? They haven’t got the style! They haven’t got the panache! Frankly, they haven’t got the eyebrows. But I believe that somebody's got to be out there. Some meth head in the heartland. Some angry artistic kid with a dream, the dream to outdo Manson. It's a lofty goal, sure, but this is America, damn it! A place where people have dreams so crazy, you'd have to be insane to think of them in the first place. Which, of course, is the whole point.

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Peter Coffin

He looks like a less evil Chong.

Sadie....no not that one

oh hell. He looks like sadam when they pulled him out of the hole...im disappointed.

DamnThisSux

He looks like my grandpa, swastika and all.

Chaime

Manson could party, but he seemed like the kind of douche who would throw up all over your bathroom and then pass out on your bed.

Matt R

I nominate David Wain for the position. All you need to do is trap him in a pitch-black concrete cell all day, every day for a week with two buckets, one to drink and one to piss in. When he falls to sleep, sneak in and switch the two. A week of urine-drinking sensory deprivation will make anyone smear blood on walls and want to join the Monkees.

warren

Manson : "Nobody" :: Willie Mays : The Catch

Rebeca

I. Love. This. Blog.

Michael Ian Black, you own my soul.

binky

Mayhaps it's time to let him out of the clink?

Madam von Sassypants

Oh man. I'm thinking that video is my new email signature at work.

The Critic

Okay, to be fair, he didn't actually do any of the blood smearing and shit. That's henchmen/henchwomen work.

The orgies on the other hand....

Don't forget, the man also personally owned several of the Beach Boy's gold records given to him by Dennis Wilson who recorded some of Manson's...um....music.

Camille

"Some meth head in the heartland. "

I'm on it! Does southern-y heartland count?

Triangle O. Daver

"Some angry artistic kid with a dream, the dream to outdo Manson."

At first, I thought that that said 'some angry AUTISTIC kid'. I was a little disappointed when I realized that I had misread it.

Reen

Ok, wow. Never would have recognized Manson by that picture. He looks...well, broken.

Dammit, Michael. I almost feel sorry for him there. His eyes aren't wild like in that video, they look like the eyes of a former repentant skin-head who's fresh from a sob session with his Therapist.

I remember reading "Helter Skelter" years ago and being fascinated by Mansons insane interpretation of The Beatles "White album". I did forget that he tried out for The Monkees but recall him jamming with some members of The Beach Boys back in the day.

Bill Kurtis, the former Anchorman, came to my local church years ago. He shared with us his experience with Manson in the courtroom during the trials. I'd like to divulge what he told the congregation back then, but it feels like a breech of trust, somehow. Anyway, I have never forgotten it. I believed Bill. Who wouldn't? Bill has that trustworthy kind of voice. (That's why he narrates cool stuff like "American Justice" and "Cold Case Files").

Manson, at times, believed himself to be a dual entity - the Devil incarnate AND Jesus Christ. We knew him as a delusional muderous Sociopath, like no other. He sure broke the mold.

Well thanks for this diversion and yet another unique entry.

You make my day.

AmbroseKalifornia

I miss the Crazy Manson, but not as much as I miss mid-Nineties Shirley Manson. Or even late-Ninties Marilyn Manson. But still more that mid-Eighties Ted Danson.

He totally aped all of Chikatilo's facial expressions, by the way.

Reptar

Wow. Unfortunately, I'm not oldish (but goodish) enough to have been around for the Manson killings - my generation got OJ and David Parker Ray's sexbox - so that video was news to me. Maybe one of my favorite videos on YouTube now...is that a bad thing? Manson is, as you suggested, obviously the face of "batshit crazy." And here I thought it was the guy from 'Man on Wire.'

I've noticed that most serial killers are sexually-repressed and/or domineered or otherwise abused by their parents. Now, I'm not saying you don't already take your kids' faces to the oven burners, MIB, but if you *really* want to unleash the next serial killer, I think the ball is in your court. I hear SEARS is having a sale on manacles and cod liver oil this weekend. Just saying.

Bailey

Searching for the next Manson sounds like a good basis for a new reality show.

Richard

Eyebrows? Hell, I thought he had a couple of pet caterpillars...

Michelle

Is it just me, or does this guy remind anyone else of the Joker?

Sev

Look a lil' like george carlin.

sherisaid

geez, that pic doesn't even have the power to creep me out. The difference between Manson and, say, Dahmer, was that Manson is absolutely delighted by his own crazy. Dahmer was way too serious. Manson is more like...Michael Jackson, cheerfully explaining to the press that he loves sleeping with children. Except even Michael wasn't crazy enough to revel in public disapproval like Manson did. But take heart, this is probably just a bad picture.

John

This post just further goes to prove how much influence Michael Ian Black has on the internet. This obscure video now has almost 2000 diggs on digg. When was it submitted? Right after it was posted on this blog!

Digg it here: http://digg.com/people/Charles_Manson_s_answer_is_disturbing_VIDEO

Ashy

Wow, I can't believe I agree with something Manson said.

He is nobody.

Dichtenstein

The Charles Manson you know today is an illusion.

I stood outside of Time itself, pulling my spirit out from the body. My body. The Manson you see is a vacant husk.

It's me, man! It's me!

I'M NOBODY.

engelundalp

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He was writing songs. He was dropping acid. He was smearing the word "Pigs" on the walls in blood.

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