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March 12, 2009

Oldish but Goodish

Somebody just called me “oldish.” More precisely, she said she used to “want to have sex with me” when I was on the State, but now she “realizes I am ‘oldish.’” What a terrible thing to say. Sure I’m getting a little long in the tooth, but that’s exactly why I inject myself with human growth hormone and tiger jizz. So that I do not go gently into that good night. In fact, I’ve never been in better mental or physical shape in my entire life. Granted that’s because I’ve always been sickly and wan, but I am just as sickly and wan now as I’ve always been!

I was really set back on my heels when she said that. You might think that a lady like that would have to be pretty young herself to make such a remark. Nay! Nay, she was not a young woman at all. In fact, she was, dare I say, oldish! Considerably oldisher than me, in fact, which in my book is the height of gall. 

Oldish isn’t even a word!

Perhaps she meant “elfin.” I mean, once you get to a certain age, words begin to jumble in the brain, and perhaps she confused “oldish” with “elfin.” That would make sense because I definitely look like Liv Tyler and Orlando Bloom’s love child. People say that to me a lot. Plus, I think I actually have some elfin blood, as evidenced by my love of flying unicorns and the curly-toed shoes I favor.

Or perhaps she really does think I am past my prime. Which is kind of a depressing thought. After all, I’m pretty sure I never even had a prime. I had a pre-prime. I was definitely primed to prime. And apparently I’m in the midst of a post-prime. But where was the actual prime? Isn’t that the part where the world is your oyster? Where you wake up feeling invincible and full of piss and vinegar? A lot of times when I wake up, I do feel full of piss, but I never really associate that feeling with anything other than a full bladder.

For me, this gives the term “sub-prime disaster” an entirely different meaning. One I like even less than the other meaning.

This is the problem with being in the public eye. Whenever she wants, she can compare the twenty-one year old me from my time on the State to the current twenty-six year old me. Although I think I look better now than I did back then. There I said it! Yes, I’m aging, but I’m aging the way Robert Redford aged: like him, I now have a lot of huge bumps on my face.

I guess the sad fact is, we’re all getting oldish. Every day, inexorably oldish. Which on one hand is kind of sad because youth is mercurial, as impossible to hold onto as a greasy wiener. But on the other hand, it’s nice getting oldish. I know more. I care less what people think about me (that mean lady notwithstanding). And no matter what anybody tells you, the prostate exams ain’t so bad, either. So I accept your barb, madam, with grace. Yes, I am oldish, but I am also goodish. And I occasionally eat a radish. And I hope you read this, you miserable old bitch.


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tracy

she is a bitchish.

Reen

Jasmine, I think people missed your post.

Here is Jasmines blog where she clarifies her "oldish" statement to Michael:

http://jazzinstrangeplaces.blogspot.com/

Jasmine, after reading that grammatically challenged/psuedo apologizing/insult riddled explanation, what is there for anyone to say?

I guess just this: awesome cleavage.

Alix

You probably primed when you were a cute child. Or a fetus.

Story of my life, I have to say.

michele

oh please, f that biznatch - I'd do you!

Natalie

LOL 26!

AmbroseKalifornia

Holy shit! You DO look like Liv Tyler and Orlando Bloom’s love child. WTF?!

Also: MIBILF? lulz.

Also: I'd hit it like the LHC.

James

I am oldish and approaching fattish. Which sounds like a Middle Eastern delicacy. Can't be that bad.

Paula

I'd say your prime was probably in the Stella pizza episode. And I think you're closer to a Liv Tyler & Billy Corgan love child which could explain the love of unicorns even more.

mmr

nonsense! Like a fine cheese or wine, the handsome only become more so with age. I find you significantly more attractive now than when you were on the State (a.k.a. "when I was eighteen and apparently not an idiot like this lady in your blog entry")

 fan

I think of you as young, handsome, funny and smart, but I'm old and don't matter, so it doesn't count.

Alexa Weber Morales

Are you seriously only 26? Your prime doesn't even happen until you're in your 30s. Don't bitch about that for another 5 years!

That was funny up until I read that.

Alexa Weber Morales

Also, warren is freakin brilliant.

Alexa Weber Morales

Apparently you are not 26. OK, now it's all very funny. That was somewhat disturbing given that you apparently have children who are walking.

Jenny

Man, I don't know that there's much more I could add that hasn't been said already about the issue of your 'oldish.'

But I was happy to see a Blake reference and I giggled stupidly at the radish comment. And while I don't think you look anything close to 'oldish' I would just like to point out something that might make you feel better about how appealing an 'oldish' gent can be: Alan Rickman.

Done.

p.s. Reen--your turtlebucket comment brought me to my knees. (twss.)

honeythunder

She did you a favor! The last thing you'd want is to throw it into her withered corn-husk of a vagina.

Oldish?

*eyefuckingroll*

I would totally do very terrible things to you...

Amanda

The woman who said you're oldish is definitely Hilary Clinton or someone else around her age and fugliness (don't get me wrong, I love her but she looks like a foot). Anyway, I think you're adorable; a total DILF. (Not elf.) And I assure you that I'm not an old hag at all. I just appreciate an older man with good looks and good humor.
I'll be looking for your book next time I'm at B&N. However, I will only buy it when it's in paperback. Unfortunately, the recession affects non famousish people.
TTFN

Jason

I'd still hit it. I wouldn't call you the the next day, but I'd still hit.

anonymouse

Would you have sex with someone as old as you are? Seriously? Would you? Because I happen to have been born on the same day as you - yeah, we share a birthday: you, me and Pete Sampras - and I'd totally be interested. (Although - full disclosure - being the same age as you naturally makes me kind of old myself and therefore entirely undesirable.)

Martin D. Fallswell, of Fallswell, Fallswell, and Bink

A greasy wiener is mercurial, you say? You know, I think I've read a commentary from Emerson, about this -- Emerson Fitipaldi, I mean. There he was in Indianapolis, waiting for his stunt-driver to finish the lap, just having a hot-dog. The thing fell out of its bun, "Damned mercurial thing!" he exclaimed, and rubbed the mustard off his sideburns.

Martin D. Fallswell, of Fallswell, Fallswell, and Bink

Geez, no sweat about "oldish" jibes, 'broham. The State is immortal, long live!

w000t I'm a drunk lawyer tonight, but this is damned good times, even better now that I'm not a idiot teenager: http://www.the-state.com

Rock on, ye gods of The State!

Anonymous

Michael, someone edited the Wikipedia article on you to show you were born in 1971. Man, that website is totally fucked.

Jessica

Paula< Your description is spot-on! I really could imagine him being the product of Liv Tyler being seeded by William Patrick Corgan :lol:

Camille

Renee,you are so right!
And Mikey,as long as you still look good in HD(and you do) you are fine, so put that sharpie away and no more defacing;)

Satur9

You're a hot piece of ass and you know it, Michael. Admit it! You post pictures big enough for people to climb inside your godforsaken pores and there's not a wrinkle to be found; you have the skin of a porcelain doll (a Jew-y one, not the pasty kind). Also, you haven't achieved that 'skinny-but-flabby' thing that happens to you slender guys when you get older. I'd say you're aging superbly.

You do bear a striking resemblance to Billy Corgan, physically and figuratively. You're both tremendously talented assholes.

I bet you just adore the validation of all of these girls just throwing themselves at you.

(P.S. - I totally want to hit that. Real bad.)

Victoria

I do not want to "hit that" like all of these other young girls. I instead would like to challenge you to a nice game of Scrabble, because that's what "oldish" people do.

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