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March 12, 2009

Oldish but Goodish

Somebody just called me “oldish.” More precisely, she said she used to “want to have sex with me” when I was on the State, but now she “realizes I am ‘oldish.’” What a terrible thing to say. Sure I’m getting a little long in the tooth, but that’s exactly why I inject myself with human growth hormone and tiger jizz. So that I do not go gently into that good night. In fact, I’ve never been in better mental or physical shape in my entire life. Granted that’s because I’ve always been sickly and wan, but I am just as sickly and wan now as I’ve always been!

I was really set back on my heels when she said that. You might think that a lady like that would have to be pretty young herself to make such a remark. Nay! Nay, she was not a young woman at all. In fact, she was, dare I say, oldish! Considerably oldisher than me, in fact, which in my book is the height of gall. 

Oldish isn’t even a word!

Perhaps she meant “elfin.” I mean, once you get to a certain age, words begin to jumble in the brain, and perhaps she confused “oldish” with “elfin.” That would make sense because I definitely look like Liv Tyler and Orlando Bloom’s love child. People say that to me a lot. Plus, I think I actually have some elfin blood, as evidenced by my love of flying unicorns and the curly-toed shoes I favor.

Or perhaps she really does think I am past my prime. Which is kind of a depressing thought. After all, I’m pretty sure I never even had a prime. I had a pre-prime. I was definitely primed to prime. And apparently I’m in the midst of a post-prime. But where was the actual prime? Isn’t that the part where the world is your oyster? Where you wake up feeling invincible and full of piss and vinegar? A lot of times when I wake up, I do feel full of piss, but I never really associate that feeling with anything other than a full bladder.

For me, this gives the term “sub-prime disaster” an entirely different meaning. One I like even less than the other meaning.

This is the problem with being in the public eye. Whenever she wants, she can compare the twenty-one year old me from my time on the State to the current twenty-six year old me. Although I think I look better now than I did back then. There I said it! Yes, I’m aging, but I’m aging the way Robert Redford aged: like him, I now have a lot of huge bumps on my face.

I guess the sad fact is, we’re all getting oldish. Every day, inexorably oldish. Which on one hand is kind of sad because youth is mercurial, as impossible to hold onto as a greasy wiener. But on the other hand, it’s nice getting oldish. I know more. I care less what people think about me (that mean lady notwithstanding). And no matter what anybody tells you, the prostate exams ain’t so bad, either. So I accept your barb, madam, with grace. Yes, I am oldish, but I am also goodish. And I occasionally eat a radish. And I hope you read this, you miserable old bitch.


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Jessica

While you do get an "awww", I don't believe for a second you actually took any of that nonsense seriously, but I somehow don't mind you using your blog to fish for compliments :P
What does she know anyway?
You are after all a cable TV deity and quite honestly, you've aged rather well.
Besides, you're married, so she doesn't even have the option of fucking you *rolls eyes*

Bailey

Tell me about it! I'm going to be 19 soonish!

Actually, it kind of hit me you were getting oldish when I read "Ski Update." I want to say I'd still totally do you, but I'm too scared that I'd cause you to break a hip.

Britt

Closing statement = WIN. Hilarious!

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

Were I a wee bit older, I'd absolutely and officially cougar you, bumpy face and all.

Sharon the BloggerQueen

Did you say your 26? Don't worry, sarcasm keeps you young and strapping. Enjoy your youth now, 'cause its really going to suck later on.

suddenlypie

While I may not 'have it' with you outright, I do think you are attractive enough, and not oldish at all, that I would make out with you after a drunken night at the bar. Then when we run into each other a week later at the book store, or perhaps the local fish, store where we replace the dead fish in our home tanks b/c we are both irresponsible pet owners. We would have awkward conversation, and somehow end up at one of our houses with 7 goldfish, to 'have it,' (with each other, not the goldfish).

I would do that, but only b/c you're not oldish looking.

gharbutts

whatever men are like fine wines, and seriously 26 is not even old, really?!

Cory

Yeah not only can she compare your younger self to your older self (and I think people get better over time, seriously)...but she can do it anonymously. How about she have enough talent and motivation to get famous by 21 (hey I said it for you), and then do the impossible....get older! Let me ask you critic of old age lady, what exactly is your alternative? He's not doing anything wrong by getting old. And he has a creative stage that you are just jealous of. There you go, you got someone famous to write an article complaining about you: there's your fifteen minutes of fame, you happy? Anyways, you're getting older too, right nonfamous critic of old age? Besides, like the man said, you haven't had a conversation with him age 21 OR age 26, maybe he is a lot smarter and easier to be around then he was when he was younger (as the case is with most people when the get a little bit older). All young people, no need to single anyone out crazy old age death fearing lady, are awkward and uncomfortable. Stop fearing death!

Michael, if you feel I have somewhat "gotten your back", cause I do, tweet at me. /kisssavessanta

Cory

Or, like JT said. "I missed you on the charts last week, Oh thats right you werent there". I've been told Michael Ian Black is not on the charts, but somehow....it works. If this thing has gone far too far, then we're even. Peace. (jk)

Nattles

Look at all these women throwing themselves at you. Admit it. No one called you "oldish." This was all some huge elaborate Compliment Fishing.

PS
Would Fuck You

Reptar

But you're oldish and famous, which kind of negate each other. Or if anything, famous outweighs oldish. That's how I rationalize Bruce Willis still playing in action flicks, anyway.

PS - you and Marino making a "Reaper" appearance any time in the next few weeks? Season two is off to a good start so far.

Rose

I'd still hit that. I'd hit it like the fist of an angry god. Indeed. You are a sexy pseudo-elfin man.

Johnny

Here here! Harr harr!

Red

The world is only your oyster if you spend One Night in Bangkok. Also, I just wanted to clarify...it wasn't your wife that said this, was it? Because that would be kind of funny...

Jaime

I think the fact that FIVE people believe you are 26, now, doesn't that make you feel better? Not to mention the Nine or so who want to bang you like a rusty nail.

You're pretty. You know it. Don't let no one tell you different dear.

Reen

Busted! Jaime set those newbies straight. But you can pull of 26, about 10 years younger then your REAL age, (<--BAM!) even without creepy "cat woman" injections and surgery. I'll go a step further because that's what I do. When you perform at colleges and take group pictures there's a "Wheres Waldo" thing going on, because you really do fit right in with those young fresh faces.

Especially when you wear your orange hoodie. (BAM! Again!)

Love, "I will always be light years older than you"

Reen

(BAMMIN myself! Even!)

karmen

You've aged like fine cheese and wine - moldy and fermented yet delicious to most.

40something

26?? Oldish?? Boy if this prompted a blog comment I can't wait to see the one you write when you turn 30. Pllleeeeassse!
Suck it up buttercup.

Kim

Wow. 26, huh? It's amazing that back when you were on the state and I was 14 you were only 12! There's your problem. You've always looked about a decade older than you are.

Cheebz

well, I can say that I think you can rest assured that there are many of us who find you very attractive.

I've definitely seen tweens drooling over your interviews on VH1. I mean, VH1's not even the old people's channel like it used to be, you pretty much single handedly made it a relevant "hot guy" channel again, let's be honest.

Jordan

This blog reminds me of the "MTV's Sleep with The State Essay Contest" which was then changed to the "essay concept" due to the fat heads in the MTV legal department. I just turned 30, and even when i get my hair cut i can still see the grey hair. It doesnt matter. I still play video games during my free time.

Definition of oldish = when you stop doing the things you liked to do when you were "youngish", not because you lack the physical or mental capacity to do them anymore. But because you think you're "oldish". (which reminds me, i need to hit on more 17 year olds. kidding.)

Anyone else find it odd that i can quote episode after episode of the state, but fail miserably at Calculus?

Then again, one mattered in my life, and one obviously did not. Suck it, Calculus.

Jaime

Yes Jordan! Love your definition.

(hee hee -- someone else thought you were 26. See?! I love that. It's GOT to feel good. I bet you thought you putting your tongue in your cheek was just going to be a little giggle, and yet, people believe you. Because, Reen's right, you fit right in. And you made VH1 hot -- hi5!)

sara libbey

we are all "oldish" compared to yesterday.. better to be oldish than deadish!

jasmine

in which i clarify the twitter that inspired (!) this post.

this whole thing has made my day. who knew i'd enjoy getting called a "miserable old bitch" so much?

MW

Maybe she was saying you were old ish, you know, "ish," the sound it makes when they bleep out the word "shit" in rap songs but instead of a bleep they make it backwards?

Sure, she would still be saying you were old, but you'd also have street cred, and that's important.

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