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March 12, 2009

Oldish but Goodish

Somebody just called me “oldish.” More precisely, she said she used to “want to have sex with me” when I was on the State, but now she “realizes I am ‘oldish.’” What a terrible thing to say. Sure I’m getting a little long in the tooth, but that’s exactly why I inject myself with human growth hormone and tiger jizz. So that I do not go gently into that good night. In fact, I’ve never been in better mental or physical shape in my entire life. Granted that’s because I’ve always been sickly and wan, but I am just as sickly and wan now as I’ve always been!

I was really set back on my heels when she said that. You might think that a lady like that would have to be pretty young herself to make such a remark. Nay! Nay, she was not a young woman at all. In fact, she was, dare I say, oldish! Considerably oldisher than me, in fact, which in my book is the height of gall. 

Oldish isn’t even a word!

Perhaps she meant “elfin.” I mean, once you get to a certain age, words begin to jumble in the brain, and perhaps she confused “oldish” with “elfin.” That would make sense because I definitely look like Liv Tyler and Orlando Bloom’s love child. People say that to me a lot. Plus, I think I actually have some elfin blood, as evidenced by my love of flying unicorns and the curly-toed shoes I favor.

Or perhaps she really does think I am past my prime. Which is kind of a depressing thought. After all, I’m pretty sure I never even had a prime. I had a pre-prime. I was definitely primed to prime. And apparently I’m in the midst of a post-prime. But where was the actual prime? Isn’t that the part where the world is your oyster? Where you wake up feeling invincible and full of piss and vinegar? A lot of times when I wake up, I do feel full of piss, but I never really associate that feeling with anything other than a full bladder.

For me, this gives the term “sub-prime disaster” an entirely different meaning. One I like even less than the other meaning.

This is the problem with being in the public eye. Whenever she wants, she can compare the twenty-one year old me from my time on the State to the current twenty-six year old me. Although I think I look better now than I did back then. There I said it! Yes, I’m aging, but I’m aging the way Robert Redford aged: like him, I now have a lot of huge bumps on my face.

I guess the sad fact is, we’re all getting oldish. Every day, inexorably oldish. Which on one hand is kind of sad because youth is mercurial, as impossible to hold onto as a greasy wiener. But on the other hand, it’s nice getting oldish. I know more. I care less what people think about me (that mean lady notwithstanding). And no matter what anybody tells you, the prostate exams ain’t so bad, either. So I accept your barb, madam, with grace. Yes, I am oldish, but I am also goodish. And I occasionally eat a radish. And I hope you read this, you miserable old bitch.


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Greg N.

Tiger Jizz, eh? I'm into it. Way into it.

Morgan

This lady thinks that lady has rocks in her head. You may be oldish but you are still sexyish.

melissa ann!

i love it!

Carlyn

I don't think that hot elves would wear such awful footwear. Those belong more to Keebler elves, and they live in trees and now I'm thinking of more LotR references.

Oldish is hot. Don't let her get you down, Ian!

natalirob29

not to completely ignore your "oldish" crises, but i'm writing a paper at this very moment on "Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night" and was pretty astounded that you referenced it.
it's like we're on the same old people wave length =]

and i personally think that 26 is not even close to "oldish."

Dark Side Steve

As long as you don't have ear hair long enough to braid, you're not really that old.

Different Heather

Eh, I'd still fuck the brains right outta ya. But that's mainly because you're famous. Ish.

Andie Grace

Aw, you should have called her a bish.

I don't think you're oldish. You're no more oldish than the minute I fell for you on my TV screen all those years ago, pal. Then again, my friends are calling me a MILF lately, so perhaps I need to adjust my bifocals and take another look. (Scratch, scratch.) Nope, yer still lurvely.

jacki

I'd have sex with you in a heartbeat. As long as there are no curly-toed shoes in sight.

kd

tell us how you really feel about being oldish..

Jean

But you wear elastic waist pants (^_^) geezer.

Meg

Oldish? Really?
I know I wanted to "do" you while you were on The State..(nothing got me hotter than Barry and LeVon talking about puddin..) but damn, you aren't oldish.
I thought men also became more distinguished and sexy as they got older, ....how else can you explain Hugh Heffner?
Well, okay strike that. You can call him an old man pervert, but you...well you are a not-old-man pervert.

Ronnie

I'd bang you, curly-toed shoes or not, young or old!

You could be an amputee and I'd even bang your amputeeish stump!

Gina

I'd bone you.

Stephanie

D.I.L.F.

Borah

You are more sexy now.

mc

The bumps on your face aren't that noticable.

warren

You may have the horribly warped and slackened face of a 26-year-old, Mike Black, but you have the moxie of a man half your age.

You keep it in a jar by your bed. You bought it from a street peddler. Hold the jar, Mikey.

Tara

Personally, I like the way "older" men look. You're only a few years older than I am and I would even go so far as to say, You'r freakin hot! Not my typical Richard Gere/Tommy Lee Jones type, but Freakin hot non the less...

Meagan

I do find it charming how many of your commenters (commentators? commentations? commentinians?) are offering sexual favors in order to make you feel better. Not that I wouldn't, myself.

But only if you wore the horns from Reaper. Yeah, that's a dealbreaker.

MrFurious

Oh man I would so tap that. When I saw your photo on the New York Magazine article it made me precum just a little. :-)

Claire

You are somewhat of a silver fox.

Big J

More like MIBILF amirite. You can hold onto my greasy wiener bro. It's full of piss and vinegar and you get to choose which one comes out.

Reen

You so do NOT have Robert Redford lumps!
ELFIN? I'm dying over here! So very funny, Michael. This was an eye wiper for me.

See, you guys mature and look distinguished. Us broads mature and we look like witches. And I'm not talking about the pretty Stevie Nicks kind either. Not fair, none of it.

You're wrinkle free, which is intimidating, actually, especially to old broads who think you're hot (aka in the SNL world as "Cougars").

Boy George, that's it! That raggedy old "Arizona born and bred" Wench is just jealous that your skin program doesn't involve a hefty slathering of "Oil of Old Lady" like hers does.

Let it roll right off you.

Baby, you're not getting older, you're getting better! (http://www.foxnews.com/images/268551/0_21_Eddie_Van_Halen.jpg

Reen

My whole comment didn't come across the sea. I had also wrote that the pic of Eddie was to show you just how ripe some look with age. Unlike yourself.

Suck it Eddie you old turtlebucket!

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