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March 11, 2009

My New Hobby. Hint - It's Adorable!!!

People are under the mistaken impression that the reason I haven’t been blogging that regularly is because I’ve been spending too much time on Twitter. Not so! Yes, I spend eighteen hours a day on Twitter, but that’s just because a despot needs that kind of time simply to keep tabs on his followers, of which I have eighty thousand. (80,000. 80k. 8k x 10.)

But that still leaves however many twenty-four minus eighteen hours is to do other things, like post on my blog. But I haven’t been doing it. Why? I’ve been too busy with my new hobby, making latch hook rugs. Yes, I am one of those people caught up in the whole “latch hook rug craze” that has been sweeping the nation like some sort of venereal disease that mainly targets the old, mentally unbalanced, and infirm.

People think it’s easy to make a latch hook rug. And they’re right. It is. People think there’s no artistry involved. And they’re right. There isn’t. But when people say that even a moron could make a latch hook rug, I respond by saying, “That’s a GOOD thing, because morons need hobbies, too.”

And it’s not just me and morons who make them, either. You probably didn’t know that in addition to creating the Theories of Special and General Relativity, Albert Einstein was an avid latch hooker. It’s true! (Not true.) In fact, on his deathbed he said that his only regret was that he didn’t complete his final latch hook rug, which contained his long sought-after “Theory of Everything.” Also true! (Also not true.)

Personally, I specialize in latch hook rugs featuring kittens playing with balls of yarn. Why? Two words: A-dorable. I just love those little kitties, and I love the irony of using yarn to make a rug featuring a picture of yarn. How many “kitten playing with yarn latch hook rugs” have I made? Somewhere in the  neighborhood of three hundred and fifty. All of them identical. All imperfect. Why imperfect? Because I believe, like the Tibetans, that it’s important to leave at least one mistake in each latch hook rug to demonstrate man’s fallibility. And also because I’m fucking terrible at it.

Yes, I’m a terrible latch hook artist, which is my great shame. When you are engaged in an activity that is given to people to stimulate their frontal lobes after a brain injury, you feel ashamed when you cannot master it. But that is my shameful truth. Either I put the wrong yarn in the wrong hole (that’s what she said), or I accidentally tear it (that’s what she said), or I end up letting the dog ruin it with its mouth (Did she say that too? She did, but only after a lot of therapy.)

But I’m not giving up. Just as I didn’t give up when people told me I would never publish any of my radical feminist poetry. Well I never did publish any of that poetry (Sample first line of a poem: “Her armpits like a fetid forest overgrown.”), but I haven’t given up on it. And I’m not giving up on this. One day I’m going to complete one of those goddamned fucking kitten playing a ball of yarn latch hook rugs just right. When I do, I’ll return to more rigorous blogging. But until that day, I have to follow my heart; and right now my heart is telling me that there is a kitten playing with a ball of yarn somewhere that needs to be immortalized, and I’m the man to do it.

 ARK070-Playful-Kitten
                     (My new hobby - yummy!!!)

UPDATE: Things just went from adorable to awesome. Check out this bad boy.

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No

You should try knitting sometime. Not only would I be surprised, but that stuff is addictive.

I suggest finding out how to make a starter scarf via youtube or something, and making one with migrane inducing colors.

Courtenuh

Dear MIB (seriously did you not know your initials are the same as a Hollywood blockbuster? Sorry if you know and it offends you )

Regardless. You just made be laugh like I did when I smoked cigs before and almost died laughing. It sounded funnier in my head.

Reen

"Yes, I am one of those people caught up in the whole “latch hook rug craze” that has been sweeping the nation like some sort of venereal disease that mainly targets the old, mentally unbalanced, and infirm."

SO funny!

And...

"Her armpits like a fetid forest overgrown".

Got me too. Lord have mercy! P.U!

Thanks for appeasing the long-term super loyal awesome and stupendous blog reading fans. Many of us twitter not, tis true, but we're still the best lovers. So put that up your eighty thousand dollar twit and SSSUUUHH-MOOOOKEEE it!

Black Jesus

I love when pussies pull yarn. (that's what she said)

Different Heather

Yarn rug of yarn ? How meta.

ali

i want one. because you're famous. and i love kitties

Biz

Totally unrelated but why did your book Chicken Cheeks just increase in price on Amazon? Is it that popular? Or is Amazon just messing with me because I've procrastinated. And here I was going to buy another copy for a present. I don't know. That $2.00 is pretty expensive.

Camille

Awww..that IS adorable! You do realize that Showalter is going to want you to immortalize his cats next? I loved doing latch hook as a child and made a cat and a Smurf. It really passed the time when I was locked up in the attic.

Red

I don't do hobbies that a four year old Guatemalen boy could do for me at eight cents on the hour.

Jaime

Awwww, when there are adorable irony-filled meta-yarn-igal pieces of fine art at stake that make me snort in my office so loudly that the other instructors realize I'm not actually doing any work, then I just am grateful for the cultural exposure to genius. And yarn. And kitties.

You're funny.

(Great kick-off to my Spring Break, by the way. THANK you!)

(**Camille! Did you at least have a hot brother to bang?)

Stacey E

I was doing that back in the early 80's. Don't you love how the yarn comes all pre-cut and uniform. I only did one rug, I think it said "I love you" on it. You can make pillows out of the rugs or hang them on your walls. Real boss.

Jenny

haha. So you're the Ingres of latch hook ruggery? Brilliant. I support your endeavor.

Bailey

Kind of a sexy hobby.

Steph

Kittens are very latch hook 101 -- you should graduate to the "winged unicorn" rug next...

http://www.amazon.com/Latch-Hook-Kit-20X27-Unicorn/dp/B0017WFXZW/ref=sr_1_125?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1236895565&sr=1-125

Reptar

Comedian I have never actually met, I think this unicorn obsession is starting to border on healthy. It made for a few classic blog entries, but now I'm starting to think it's serious. Like Mickey Rourke comeback serious. Which is very serious, but where did that get him? Clenching his fists throughout Sean Penn's acceptance speech and doing tit lines at all the after parties. Do you really want that to be you? Well, yeah, you probably do, because not only do you get to do fun drugs, you get to run into very famous people at the after parties. And start Twitter wars with them, of course.

Which famous person WILL you fight next?

Reptar

And of course, I meant border on 'unhealthy', but it's more fun to take two posts to make this point.

sara libbey

Hmm... It's a ball of yarn made from yarn.. how crafty!

Camille

Jaime,

I know you're southern and all(heck,I live in hillbilly central), but bangin' a brother? The only Flowers In The Attic for this chick were the ones on the peeling wallpaper!

Camille

oh,and that update made my toes tingle. So magnificently cheese-tastic!

SarahGreenBean

I think you you need to latch hook the Unicorn and send it to one Mr. Mark Hoppus who has a birthday coming up. "Why would Mr. Hoppus like a latch hook rug of a unicorn," you ask. Because he loves unicorns. Just a suggestion.

Jaime

Haha, Cami! Oh no you di'int! I'm no toothless brother-lovin Southurner! You Northerners and your attics. Who _knows_ what's in em?!


(For the record, I'm a Flannery O'Connor Southerner, all full of piss 'n vinegar [not brothers] and bites. I like to teach chickens to walk backwards. Beware!)

Reen

I saw your update on this blog because I notice everything.

Do the unicorn rug! Do the unicorn rug!

That's not just a request, it's a Norwegian battle cry! It means, "You have a horn, and I have a rug. DO ME!"

I know. Not terribly subtle. Often times it draws the "wrong kind of guy" to my side. You know the type. They look like Engelbert Humperdink and smell like three nights in a Disco.

Grafxcowgirl

Here's some irony for you...my boyfriend recently finished up his latch hook project:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/grafxcowgirl/3308658902/in/photostream/

Now, that's not the ironic part. The irony is that the whole latch hooking process took place practically every night while watching old episodes of the first season of Ed! Who would have known there was a latch hooking connection...maybe there's some higher meaning to it all...or maybe not.

Shave my poodle!

J

If you run out of adorable kitten latch-hook projects, you could always try more "adult" ones:

http://www.madewithsweetlove.com/index.html

It's all very artistic.

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