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March 25, 2009

La Mia Voce è Andata (My Voice is Gone) Il Unicorno è Magnifico (The Unicorn is Magnificent)

My voice is still completely shot after yesterday's vocal fiasco, which culminated with me pointing at the menu items I wanted in an Italian restaurant, as if I were actually an American tourist in Italy. Which seemed to make the experience more authentic. From now on, I have decided that whenever I go to a place that serves foreign food I am going to do everything in my power to make the travel experience more real; I will pretend to not understand the language, pantomime questions, and spend hours afterward throwing up.

Another great thing about not speaking for the day: having an awesome excuse to make my adorable puppy dog face. Whenever somebody spoke to me today I pointed to my throat and made my best doggy face. Throughout the day, I made it more and more specific, so that by the time I left work, I determined that I was a three month old Wheaten Terrier/ Jack Russell mix named Lulu who was rescued from the pound by a lonely twenty-eight year old travel writer named Valerie Small, herself a mix (half Irish, half Vietnamese). At the end of the day, several people commented on how specific my puppy dog face was, which made me feel very good.

Driving home to my family I did that thing that I have sworn never to do again, but always end up doing thinking “This time it will be different.” I had a little coughing fit in my car, the result of which was that I found myself with a small ball of phlegm in my mouth. I panicked because I was behind the wheel and did not have any way to get rid of it. I did not want to endanger myself by rifling through my man purse (actually a computer bag, but “man purse” is funnier to say), and so I rolled down my window, stuck my head as far out as I dared, and spat. The phlegm blew across my cheek and landed in the car. Of course it landed in the car. I have attempted to spit out the car before and it always lands in the car. Because when you are driving at seventy miles an hour (on a twenty-five mile per hour road), the phlegm is going to also travel in the direction of the wind and go where the wind is going, which is in my car.

The kids did not at all seem concerned that Daddy couldn’t speak, perhaps because I have never been a particularly communicative parent to begin with. Gruff words and the occasional butt thwap are my preferred means of communication. Although sometimes I will very eloquently criticize their appearance just to let them know I am paying attention.

I was able to struggle through Chapter 2 of the first “Harry Potter” book. We started reading it this past weekend, and so far so good. I want to tell them what little I know about this series, which is that Harry dies, which I think will be sort of funny as we go through the six or seven books. “Just remember guys, Harry dies at the end.” They probably wouldn’t believe me, but then when he actually does, I can kind of shrug my shoulders and go, “See?” (DO NOT give me more info about the books in your comments! I do not want to know.)

Hopefully tomorrow I will have my voice restored. But if not, I will continue making adorable faces of woe. To further specify my adorable puppy dogness, I may also start pooping on the floor. 

P.S. I realize I included the phrase "The Unicorn is Magnificent" in the title of this post, but did not actually mention a unicorn anywhere except for here. This is because I found an English to Italian translator on Google and thought I would see how you translate that particular phrase, which seemed like the right thing to do at the time. 

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Saul

Harry Potter DOES die and it happens during one of his numerous sex parties that he gets addicted to based on Ron making fun of him in the first book for never having been to one before.

Jessica

Ugh, ewww. You should have saved that ball of phlegm, spat into the aforementioned Harry Potter book, and then thrown it into a bog.

Also, Harry Potter should die so that people finally shut the hell up about it.

Clayton

Michael,

This is completely unrelated to your vocal problems, (which I am sorry about). However, on the subject of vocal things: Richard Wagner. Do you know anything about him or his operas? I feel like you would have some great things to say on that subject and since I have a music history exam tomorrow mostly on his STUPID music, I would feel a lot better if someone else had to write about him too.

Clayton

Clayton

HA! This is also amusing: you chose to write your subject title in Italian, which is another thing Wagner hated besides the Jews.

Martin D. Fallswell, of Fallswell, Fallswell, and Bink

Cordially recommending Night Watch, by Sergei Lukyanenko -- English translation, unless you may have mastered Russian as well as italian. The films, Night Watch and Day Watch were both created after that single work -- their stories are unique from the book, but contain some of the same dramatis personae, as it were.

I hear that eating oranges helps with the throat thing. I don't know if I should repeat the advice about eating the peel, though. I know that with too much orange zest, for one night, I'm put off my rocker -- to which, I fall onto the floor, make a muted thud sound, and climb back onto my rocker, to rock the night away.

Ahh, life in the Ozarks....

AmbroseKalifornia

I hate you Chloe and Reen.

That video made my the inside of my eyes hurt.

It also makes me miss Wonder Showzen.

Jenny

I peed a little when I read your sad car/spit accident, lol Poor, sick Michael. Get well soon.

(have fun reading the Harry Potter books with your kids!)

Reen

Sorry about your bad trip, Ambrose.

Michael doesn't have that effect on me.

Tony Hartman

Hey everyone, I think I speak for us all when I say Michael Ian Black has the best twitter. To show our appreciation, I went ahead and bought him www.thebesttwitter.com
I just wanted to say, if you really appreciate someone for being great at something, buy them a domain! Mike, keep up the great work.

Vincent

Harry and Ron fake sick. Then they break Hermione out (of MY high school) and take Rons Dad's good car downtown. They go to a museum, Harry sings in a parade and they have a nice lunch. Harry's dad almost sees them a few times in traffic. (spoiler) Harry explains that he has to make Ron respect himself as an individual. If he doesn't Ron will marry the first woman he masturbates to under the false impression that she has given him the greatest gift he can recieve in life. Harry has to like, run home to beat Charlie Sheen there and Voldemort is like "I caught you skipping school Ferris!" but (spoiler) then he doesn't and there is a dance number

Vincent

So everybody on here knows, I won.

jasmine

i just realized that your initials are MIB. MEN IN BLACK, WHAT WHAT! i thought this was comment worthy. that is all.

ap

Have you tried gargling with apple cider vinegar -- you can dilute it with water. Great for cooking, but for gargling it's the nastiest, vilest, most horrible stuff, and germs agree! It really will help a sore throat, but for car spitting you're on your own.

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