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« My Voice Is Gone, My Spirit Remains | Main | Unpopular »

March 25, 2009

La Mia Voce è Andata (My Voice is Gone) Il Unicorno è Magnifico (The Unicorn is Magnificent)

My voice is still completely shot after yesterday's vocal fiasco, which culminated with me pointing at the menu items I wanted in an Italian restaurant, as if I were actually an American tourist in Italy. Which seemed to make the experience more authentic. From now on, I have decided that whenever I go to a place that serves foreign food I am going to do everything in my power to make the travel experience more real; I will pretend to not understand the language, pantomime questions, and spend hours afterward throwing up.

Another great thing about not speaking for the day: having an awesome excuse to make my adorable puppy dog face. Whenever somebody spoke to me today I pointed to my throat and made my best doggy face. Throughout the day, I made it more and more specific, so that by the time I left work, I determined that I was a three month old Wheaten Terrier/ Jack Russell mix named Lulu who was rescued from the pound by a lonely twenty-eight year old travel writer named Valerie Small, herself a mix (half Irish, half Vietnamese). At the end of the day, several people commented on how specific my puppy dog face was, which made me feel very good.

Driving home to my family I did that thing that I have sworn never to do again, but always end up doing thinking “This time it will be different.” I had a little coughing fit in my car, the result of which was that I found myself with a small ball of phlegm in my mouth. I panicked because I was behind the wheel and did not have any way to get rid of it. I did not want to endanger myself by rifling through my man purse (actually a computer bag, but “man purse” is funnier to say), and so I rolled down my window, stuck my head as far out as I dared, and spat. The phlegm blew across my cheek and landed in the car. Of course it landed in the car. I have attempted to spit out the car before and it always lands in the car. Because when you are driving at seventy miles an hour (on a twenty-five mile per hour road), the phlegm is going to also travel in the direction of the wind and go where the wind is going, which is in my car.

The kids did not at all seem concerned that Daddy couldn’t speak, perhaps because I have never been a particularly communicative parent to begin with. Gruff words and the occasional butt thwap are my preferred means of communication. Although sometimes I will very eloquently criticize their appearance just to let them know I am paying attention.

I was able to struggle through Chapter 2 of the first “Harry Potter” book. We started reading it this past weekend, and so far so good. I want to tell them what little I know about this series, which is that Harry dies, which I think will be sort of funny as we go through the six or seven books. “Just remember guys, Harry dies at the end.” They probably wouldn’t believe me, but then when he actually does, I can kind of shrug my shoulders and go, “See?” (DO NOT give me more info about the books in your comments! I do not want to know.)

Hopefully tomorrow I will have my voice restored. But if not, I will continue making adorable faces of woe. To further specify my adorable puppy dogness, I may also start pooping on the floor. 

P.S. I realize I included the phrase "The Unicorn is Magnificent" in the title of this post, but did not actually mention a unicorn anywhere except for here. This is because I found an English to Italian translator on Google and thought I would see how you translate that particular phrase, which seemed like the right thing to do at the time. 

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Claire

I read the Harry Potter books while they were being published and I used to tell myself that very same thing while reading.

Snoop Bloggy Blog

Good luck with the voice. Il Unicorno è Magnifico!

cee

Try doing the translation thing vice versa it never makes sense once you traslat it back to English

cee

translate*

Bek

Hope your voice is back soon... Manuka honey (ridiculously expensive but still tasty honey) helped last time I lost my voice... Was tempted to not even try it because with my voice smaller than a whisper everyone in our house actually listened for a change. It was miraculous.
Anyway, good luck, best wishes, feel better and thanks for writing Chicken Cheeks- kid loves it.

Michelle

Harry doesn't die.
Just saying.

Chris

Harry Potter? 7 books?!
sheesh.
What people will read...

Samantha

As a fellow voiceless coughy prisoner, I recommend keeping tissues in the car for future similar emergencies.

*shakes an angry fist at assorted bronchial illnesses*

Anna B

Harry ascends into heaven!

Reptar

cee, the translators rarely make sense to begin with. They sound nice, and then you hand in an essay and get it back a week later with comments suggesting that you might have a mild form of mental retardation.

You're better just keeping a foreign person in your closet. They're low-upkeep, and the digs are better than what their country probably has anyway.

Bailey

Sometimes you're just my favorite.

I just finished the 7th Harry Potter book and Harry Potter does NOT die. I mean, I'm sure he does eventually because death is inevitable even for wizards, unless you have the Sorcerer's Stone of course but that's pretty unlikely. Anyways, he doesn't die in the books. Dumbledore, Snape and one of the Weasley twins die though. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

SacRhythm

LMFAO. For a second I thought I was reading "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey..." :D

"I want to tell them what little I know about this series, which is that Harry dies, which I think will be sort of funny as we go through the six or seven books. “Just remember guys, Harry dies at the end.” They probably wouldn’t believe me, but then when he actually does, I can kind of shrug my shoulders and go, “See?”"

Camille

Oh man,this is good stuff. I think I figured something out. I noticed Anne Curry also had a "frog" in her throat yesterday,so :
Michael Ian Black with a sore throat and studio apartment + famous,sexy and equally frog-throated newscaster= jig is up!

I hope you feel better,poopsie.

cough

Harry Potter doesn't die. I know this because he was part of one of the most corny endings to a series I have ever read. But he's still alive. If he'd been dead, it might have been a little more entertaining...

Anonymous

Has anyone seen that funny ass Denny's commercial with the two rugged dudes sitting in a diner talking about how desperate the crushing winter is? And they mention how some rancher named Gary lost half his herd? And the men express how hopeless their lives have become?

The camera pans down to what they're eating, and it's flapjacks loaded with whipped cream, gummy candies, colorful sprinkles, and even a little Jolly Roger flag! Oh man, my eyes are watering up just thinking about it. The men proceed to ask the waitress for extra Chocolate Doodiddles & Giggle Drops!! My goodness, you need to see this ad. Ohhh Jesus, it's funny.

Oh, and then there's Vince Offer, the ShamWow! and Slap Chop guy. 'You're gonna love my nuts!' Fucks sake that's good stuff.

Get well soon, M.I.B.

Paula

I heartfelt thank you - for making me laugh out loud every time I read your blog and tweets. Folks peek over the cube walls, wondering what I find so funny. and it's you.

Chris

We all die in the end. Some of us are already dead on the inside :(

Spudnik

The real life lesson here is that we all die eventually. Even Harry Potter. He's not special. Hmph--some magician...

Reen

Great read!

Hope you're feeling better today. I also hope your puppy dog antics (method acting?) got you some special treats, a belly rub, and most importantly a good humping.

Reen

Chloe - YES!

You need to highlight that hilarious video somewhere Michael. It's insanity!

Jaime

"...I did that thing that I have sworn never to do again, but always end up doing thinking 'This time it will be different....' I rolled down my window, stuck my head as far out as I dared, and spat. The phlegm blew across my cheek and landed in the car. Of course it landed in the car....[I]t always lands in the car."

Laughter explosion. Explosive oral diarrhea of laughter. I realize that is disgusting. But it is descriptive. Much like your hilarious hilarious little snapshot. Thanks.

Jaime

Aww Chris. Are you a stripper? Is that what you're telling us? (Tagline for _Zombie Strippers_: "They're already dead...on the inside.")

And I am a little confused. Black says "Do not tell me about the books. I don't want to know." But everyone's giving away the ending?? Are you guys pulling his leg? Is this like an inside Potter joke? Like a nerdy Kid Lit I-heart-Rowling reference? Like, everyone know he dies, so saying he doesn't die is actually a bit of tongue and cheek funny, but for retards like me who don't know, we don't get it, so we go, "Hey! I thought he didn't want to know stuff!" and they're really just missing an inside Happy Potter joke?? Is that it???

Just checking. I hate knowing the endings to things.

Mitchapalooza

Oh man, wait until you get to the last chapter of the 7th book; I could barely read through the tears.

Hint: It involves Harry burning in hell because he's a wizard.

But that's all I'll say!

mr

I fucking loathe Harry Potter and everyone who loves it. Unless you are 10 years old, THAT IS BULLSHIT, people. READ A REAL BOOK. There, I said it.

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