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March 03, 2009

Is A Flying Unicorn Really Such A Difficult Concept To Understand?

Somebody offered to make me a Twitter background this evening, which quickly degenerated into a screaming match between me and the rest of the Twitter world.

Obviously I accepted the offer and obviously I requested that the background include a flying unicorn. (I also requested that I be pictured shirtless and totally ‘roided out, but again, obvious.)
Now, anybody who knows anything about design would naturally assume the presence of a flying unicorn for a Twitter background. After all, why even have a background if it's NOT going to contain a flying unicorn?

Well, immediately I was besieged with dozens of unhelpful messages saying things like, “Don’t you mean Pegasus?” No I do not mean Pegasus. Pegasus is simply a winged horse and does not have a horn. If I wanted a winged horse, I would have asked for a winged horse. But I didn’t. I said a flying unicorn.

Why don’t people believe that I have a command of the English language and a working knowledge of Greek mythology?

“Don’t you mean a centaur?”

No, you moron! A centaur is half man, half horse. Why would I possibly want a picture of some half horse, totally ripped dude that isn’t me on my Twitter page? Answer: I wouldn't. Plus a centaur doesn’t fly and it doesn’t have a fucking horn on its head. It is about as far from a flying unicorn as a mythological horse creature can be and still be a mythological horse creature. Perhaps a centaur would be an appropriate background if I was putting together a Twitter page specializing in horse gayness. But I’m not putting together a Twitter page specializing in horse gayness. I’m putting together a Twitter page specializing in me.

And I want a flying unicorn.

“Don’t you mean a hippogryph?”

A what? I'd never heard of such a thing. So I looked it up. Here is the definiton: a mythical creature with the body of a horse and the wings and head of an eagle.

Probably the reason I’ve never heard of a hippogryph is that they’re fucking stupid. A horse with an eagle head? Come on. Stupid. Feathers on the head, horsehair on the body? Stupid. Horse with a beak? Stupid. Plus the eagle head would be totally out of proportion with the horse body so you’d either have a monster-sized eagle head or a tiny little horsy body. Either way, stupid. And let’s not forget the most salient fact: no horn. At this point, I was getting pretty depressed. I felt like my request was pretty straightforward: a unicorn that can fly or, if you like, Pegasus with a horn.

Question: shouldn’t it be a called a unihorn and not a unicorn? It doesn’t have one corn. It doesn’t have any corns.

Eventually, somebody alerted me to the “pegacorn,” which as you can probably imagine, is exactly what I was talking about. What a relief! At last I knew I wasn’t crazy. But as relieved as I was to learn that the pegacorn existed, I was dismayed at the name. Pegacorn? That’s horrible. It sounds like something you’d see on some cut-rate Saturday morning cartoon show that couldn’t afford good Korean animators.

So yes, that is exactly what I meant, but I decided to stick with my preferred term, flying unicorn.

One thing I’ve learned about people is that they love unicorns, and especially flying unicorns, but nobody thinks through the ramifications of a herd of flying unicorns passing overhead. If you’ve ever been behind a regular horse for any extended period of time, you know what I’m talking about. Now think about a herd of flying horses. That could potentially be terrible. Not to mention dangerous. Because flying unicorns don’t shit regular manure, of course. They shit candy corn. Which is delicious in theory, but they shit so much of it that it could kill somebody. Especially if they’re flying really high. And the damage to automobiles would be atrocious.

And they cum leprechauns.

Which is also disgusting.

But I'm not going to mention that fact on Twitter because they'll all just yell at me again.
Pegacorn
(Please note the rainbow wings, an often overlooked but critical detail.)

Click after the break to see a potential design for my Twitter page courtesy of @chrisarneil

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Little Ronnie Cobra

Pegacorns aren't even real. You can't wikipedia it! That means it doesn't exist. Flying Unicorns are everywhere. I saw one on the 10 today.

Jeanette

that is the most glorious unicorn i've ever seen!

sum

effing hilarious. really jazzed up my lawyer studying.

manda

You make me laugh. I grasp the concept of a flying unicorn, twitter fails in flying unicorn knowledge.

MIBfan

What? No nudity? I'm SO disappointed.

Nickie

If I remember correctly, a hippogryph was in the 3rd Harry Potter. Not that that helps you any. Just a factoid, use it as you will...

That's a pretty sweet flying unicorn! Pegacorn. Pegahorn. Whatever it is, it's awesome.

Anthony Esparza

Cum Leprechauns, that's funny. What fucking jack-off said centaur?

Why would anyway even bother to correct you, as if they're so fucking smart.

Funny shit.

@hakeberrr

The term is definitely flying unicorn... I mean they even made a Flying Unicorn ride at Islands of Adventure in Orlando. That's my husband, @mrpbody33, in the picture (with his "Afternoon Delight" Threadless t-shirt).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrpbody33/2530983033/

Heather

Is that flying unicorn flashing someone?

bianca

I think flying unicorns are awesome!

SolarSoda

I could be wrong, but I bet the person who suggested the hippogryph probably plays World of Warcraft, where a hippogryph is WoW's form of public transit. Among other things. http://www.wowwiki.com/Hippogryph

Rob

Mr. Ian Black,

Fantastic blog. One of the best I've ever read in the genre, and certainly the bee's knees in Pegacornology. Question, though, what are your thoughts on flying unicorns that can fly without wings? On magic or dreams or some shit?

Different Heather

Wrong, they cum fluffer nutters.

SolarSoda

That was pretty fucking funny, by the way. I laughed right out loud, and then I'm like, oh that sucks, lol. ;)

Meister Jazz

some people on the internet. i mean, where does a Pegasus come from fling unicorn. but me, first i thought of Charlie the Unicorn, then I added wings...then at the centaur one, you as a ripped 'roided centaur...then I went back to Charlie

that last unicorn is so very rainbowtastic

Kelly

Didn't you mean Falcor?

ha...follow me, I follow you and don't yell:

Kellyisawesome

Jay

Pegacorn? Oh, I think you mean Priapus.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Priapus

Liz

Everything about this was amazing.

Ryan

I'll see you Pegacorn and raise you a Robophin. We will watch them battle.

http://tinyurl.com/bhk2yf

Kate

I have always used the term "Unicorn Pegasus". As in "Oh look at that unicorn pegasus over there in the woods! How majestic and wonderful it is" kind of a way. It might have come from my My Little Pony youth...

TheIndigoSky

Woot got my pic done, I see it's now the background to your twitter. I have the full resolution editable version saved, so just send me a tweet if you ever want something changed or if something small annoys you.

Bailey

Someone's not familiar with Harry Potter.

Brittany

I like how that pegacorn is obviously drawn on notebook paper.

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