Is A Flying Unicorn Really Such A Difficult Concept To Understand?
Somebody offered to make me a Twitter background this evening, which quickly degenerated into a screaming match between me and the rest of the Twitter world.
Obviously I accepted the offer and obviously I requested that the background include a flying unicorn. (I also requested that I be pictured shirtless and totally ‘roided out, but again, obvious.)
Now, anybody who knows anything about design would naturally assume the presence of a flying unicorn for a Twitter background. After all, why even have a background if it's NOT going to contain a flying unicorn?
Well, immediately I was besieged with dozens of unhelpful messages saying things like, “Don’t you mean Pegasus?” No I do not mean Pegasus. Pegasus is simply a winged horse and does not have a horn. If I wanted a winged horse, I would have asked for a winged horse. But I didn’t. I said a flying unicorn.
Why don’t people believe that I have a command of the English language and a working knowledge of Greek mythology?
“Don’t you mean a centaur?”
No, you moron! A centaur is half man, half horse. Why would I possibly want a picture of some half horse, totally ripped dude that isn’t me on my Twitter page? Answer: I wouldn't. Plus a centaur doesn’t fly and it doesn’t have a fucking horn on its head. It is about as far from a flying unicorn as a mythological horse creature can be and still be a mythological horse creature. Perhaps a centaur would be an appropriate background if I was putting together a Twitter page specializing in horse gayness. But I’m not putting together a Twitter page specializing in horse gayness. I’m putting together a Twitter page specializing in me.
And I want a flying unicorn.
“Don’t you mean a hippogryph?”
A what? I'd never heard of such a thing. So I looked it up. Here is the definiton: a mythical creature with the body of a horse and the wings and head of an eagle.
Probably the reason I’ve never heard of a hippogryph is that they’re fucking stupid. A horse with an eagle head? Come on. Stupid. Feathers on the head, horsehair on the body? Stupid. Horse with a beak? Stupid. Plus the eagle head would be totally out of proportion with the horse body so you’d either have a monster-sized eagle head or a tiny little horsy body. Either way, stupid. And let’s not forget the most salient fact: no horn. At this point, I was getting pretty depressed. I felt like my request was pretty straightforward: a unicorn that can fly or, if you like, Pegasus with a horn.
Question: shouldn’t it be a called a unihorn and not a unicorn? It doesn’t have one corn. It doesn’t have any corns.
Eventually, somebody alerted me to the “pegacorn,” which as you can probably imagine, is exactly what I was talking about. What a relief! At last I knew I wasn’t crazy. But as relieved as I was to learn that the pegacorn existed, I was dismayed at the name. Pegacorn? That’s horrible. It sounds like something you’d see on some cut-rate Saturday morning cartoon show that couldn’t afford good Korean animators.
So yes, that is exactly what I meant, but I decided to stick with my preferred term, flying unicorn.
One thing I’ve learned about people is that they love unicorns, and especially flying unicorns, but nobody thinks through the ramifications of a herd of flying unicorns passing overhead. If you’ve ever been behind a regular horse for any extended period of time, you know what I’m talking about. Now think about a herd of flying horses. That could potentially be terrible. Not to mention dangerous. Because flying unicorns don’t shit regular manure, of course. They shit candy corn. Which is delicious in theory, but they shit so much of it that it could kill somebody. Especially if they’re flying really high. And the damage to automobiles would be atrocious.
And they cum leprechauns.
Which is also disgusting.
Click after the break to see a potential design for my Twitter page courtesy of @chrisarneil