We’re Only Minutes Away And I’m Totally Changing The Contest!

We’re literally minutes away from one million page views and I am just all a-tingle. Here’s the problem: I realized today that I have no way of identifying who it is that is visiting the site, which makes figuring out who the millionth visitor is a lot harder than I originally thought. I can use my tracker to sort of see where that person is logging in from, but I have no idea who that person actually is. Does that invalidate the contest? Maybe. But I’m not in the habit of invalidating contests, just as I am not in the habit of backing down from fights.*

Since identifying the millionth viewer with any certainty is impossible, I’ve decided to open up the contest to all readers. Over the next twenty-four hours, in ten words or less, please tell me why YOU are the millionth visitor to my blog.  One entry per person. Winner will receive all of the aforementioned prizes plus a full reprinting of his or her winning submission under the headline “My Millionth Visitor!” If winner so desires, I will also post a photograph of his or her choosing identifying that person as my millionth visitor.

Let the millionth viewer competition writing and submitting begin!

* While it’s true that I don’t normally back down from fights, that’s just because I almost never find myself in a situation where I might be in one. The one time in recent memory when I was involved in a potential contretemps, I completely and unapologetically pussied out. In the future, if I am threatened with a fight, I will back down from that one too.

As an aside, I wrote that I was not in the habit of invalidating contests. In thinking about that, I realized that would be a hard habit to get into because once you invalidated one contest, people would be pretty reluctant to trust you to run a fair contest in the future, making it much harder to develop any sort of contest/sweepstakes invalidation habit.

Comments

[Chris P.]

My pants are held up solely by my own chutzpah.

[Dan]

because I fucking said so, five more words makes ten

[Aimee]

I am the millionth visitor because I stalk you and check this site multiple times per day.

[Dana]

I already put aside my best clothes for the occasion.

[Dana]

I already put aside my best clothes for the occasion.

[charley]

I need some prizes to prop up my broken sofa.

[Melinda]

michael ian black is a cunt rag. i hope he rots in hell. if i'm his one millionth visitor, he can suck my left one.

[christine]

I refreshed the page 88 times since this post.

[Reptar]

Because I post clever comments.

For blow. Jobs.

[Cristina]

Take pity on me for having nothing clever to say

[Cristina]

Oh, and this is more than ten words and it is a second entry, both against the rules, but I deserve stuff because I work at a bookstore and I always recommend your stuff. Where would you be if I didn't encourage people to buy your stuff? On the street, that's where.

[me again]

I love you?

[Allen P. Williams]

Michael Ian Black blog contest participant response in ten words.

[Andy]

I have freshly baked cookies. Think of the children, Michael.

[poopcats]

I'll send you an autographed photo of me. Regardless.

[max brooks]

I think you don't really love the 80s at all.

[Derek]

Because I gave your book a favorable review last year.

[Will]

I am the millionth viewer because...

My first time making love was while watching Stella.

[Darren]

I would have been your 5,001st Facebook friend.

[Kelsey]

I am the millionth visitor because it is my dying wish*

*I am not actually dying but I really want those socks

[Scott]

Because I sat through a "Million To Juan" for inspiration.

[Mark]

I am the millionth visitor because:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/article2237580.ece

I'm the dad.

[Max]

I know you are not gay, you are "gay?"

[Molly]

kittens inspired by kittens

what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU

[Martin D. Fallswell, of Fallswell, Fallswell, and Bink]

I am the ghost of next year, I come to warn you that ... um, LINE!