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February 16, 2009

We’re Only Minutes Away And I’m Totally Changing The Contest!

We’re literally minutes away from one million page views and I am just all a-tingle. Here’s the problem: I realized today that I have no way of identifying who it is that is visiting the site, which makes figuring out who the millionth visitor is a lot harder than I originally thought. I can use my tracker to sort of see where that person is logging in from, but I have no idea who that person actually is. Does that invalidate the contest? Maybe. But I’m not in the habit of invalidating contests, just as I am not in the habit of backing down from fights.*

Picture 2
Since identifying the millionth viewer with any certainty is impossible, I’ve decided to open up the contest to all readers. Over the next twenty-four hours, in ten words or less, please tell me why YOU are the millionth visitor to my blog.  One entry per person. Winner will receive all of the aforementioned prizes plus a full reprinting of his or her winning submission under the headline “My Millionth Visitor!” If winner so desires, I will also post a photograph of his or her choosing identifying that person as my millionth visitor.

Let the millionth viewer competition writing and submitting begin!








* While it’s true that I don’t normally back down from fights, that’s just because I almost never find myself in a situation where I might be in one. The one time in recent memory when I was involved in a potential contretemps, I completely and unapologetically pussied out. In the future, if I am threatened with a fight, I will back down from that one too.

As an aside, I wrote that I was not in the habit of invalidating contests. In thinking about that, I realized that would be a hard habit to get into because once you invalidated one contest, people would be pretty reluctant to trust you to run a fair contest in the future, making it much harder to develop any sort of contest/sweepstakes invalidation habit.

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Allison

I'm awesome.

Kristen

Because I am slower than only 999,999 other nerds.

that stoner kid

I'll smoke you up.

chris wojcieszyn

I am the millionth person as I have for days now had a trained monkey push the refresh button on my web browser to get me closer and closer to the prize. Now does anyone know of a good person to call to clean up all this monkey poo????

Marcus

Thanks for the book, asshole.

Tommy

Because i am completely disregarding the rules of your contest and instead posting the essay that i wrote for my AP English class last semester.

How Larry “Crazy Wheels” Crenshaw Touched Me
Many people have touched me in my life. However, none of them have touched me in the way, or places, that Larry “Crazy Wheels” Crenshaw did. He has made a large impact on me in my life, making me who I am. He is a great man that has shaped my life significantly, and had he not taken part in my growth and development, I would not be the person that I am today. Crazy Wheels is the best roller boogiest in the history of the sport. He has forever changed the way that roller boogie is done and had a lasting effect on anyone who has ever witnessed his superiority in the rink.
When he steps on the rink in his tight, red leather pants, the whole crowd goes silent. He skates to the center, all eyes on his muscular yet athletic frame. It is accentuated by his billowing white shirt, blowing in the air conditioned facility almost as beautifully as his strawberry-blonde, silky-smooth hair. As he begins his routine, the crowd can not help but stare in awe as he showcases his flair and bedazzles them with his charisma and style. His breathtaking routine and astonishing roller boogying inspires me everyday to achieve my full potential and never give up, no matter what the odds. I may not aspire to be a roller boogiest, but his determination to win gives me hope that I can achieve whatever my dreams may be. No one believed that it would ever happen, but Crazy Wheels proved them all wrong when he scored a perfect 100 in the finals of the World Roller Boogie Championship. If he could achieve the so-called impossible then so can I.
Not only does Crenshaw have amazing determination, but he has stunning sense of integrity. He is one of the few roller boogiers not to be caught up in the recent steroid scandal that has arisen. While many of his contemporaries have succumb to the pressure that the sport of roller boogying impress on them, Crazy Wheels has stayed honest throughout, never once using a banned substance and only relying on his immense talent. He has motivated me to never cheat and always be honest, never betraying my own talent in order to be a little better and cheapen my skill. Whenever I even begin to think about cheating on something, I simply look up at the large poster of Crazy Wheels that I have hanging above my bed and I am reassured that I am making the right decision in staying true to myself and the roller boogie way.
As I look back on the course that Crenshaw has taken, I realize how big of an influence he has had on me and who I have become. His strong sense of determination, coupled with his incredible integrity has inspired me and kept me on the right path as I have continued through my life. He has taught me how to be a good person and succeed in life. He has touched me in many ways and brought me joy throughout my life. There is no one more significant to me in my life and I hope that he can touch many other young boys and be as significant to them as he has to me.

Melinda

I am the millionth viewer because...

I already purchased an over-sized check for myself.

Wesley Stamper

I had sex with your wife, but respected your privacy.

Serrano

I am the millionth visitor to everything, including your mom.

Bradley

Because I torture very cute animals. (You do too, right?)

dyre

I think that your contest is flawed.

s.gothman

I am the billionth visitor, which is much better.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

I've described you and/or your books as 'the tits' on my blog.

G.W.E.

I am the millionth viewer because...

I was gamboling across the quad while 999,999 others weren't.

andy

I pushed the Refresh button a million times.

Chris Marsh

I colored my dick yellow with a highlighter for this.

Cody

I am the millionth viewer because I am THE millionth viewer.

Susanna

10 words:

All that clicking. For what? I'll end up empty-handed. *SIGH*

Kristi

I have a Bengal tiger skin rug. Coincidence? No. DESTINY.

Chris

a lot of women say my finger knows when to push a button at the right moment ...elevators, computer games, etc

Joel

Entry:

* I created a program to make me #1,000,000. It broke. *

P.S. Fuck technology.

tmc

It took all my strenth to not mention the flaw. :)

dave

I work at The Ion Mill, making millionths. (Slight lisp).

adam

humorous blogging,
waxing offensively,
prizes in my pants...

Lance

I am from future?

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