We Have A Winner!
What a contest! What a blisteringly brilliant contest! So many delightful entries. So much tension. So much tension. So much milk? (Not so much milk.)
First of all, thank you to everybody who participated in my Million Viewer Contest. Most of you did not win. Because most of your entries were not very good. That doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate them, just that you need to know your strengths. Some of you might be better at needlework, for example.
But there were many terrific entries. Too many to count, in fact. (When I say there were too many to count that is an exaggeration. I could have easily counted the terrific entries but chose not to because it would have been a pointless exercise.)
Here are some of my favorite, non-winning submissions:
From Dave – I work at the Ion Mill, making millionths (Slight lisp.)
I don’t know if Dave meant to write “Iron Mill” or not, but I like it either way. Nice job, Dave. Sorry you didn’t win.
From Charley – I need some prizes to prop up my broken sofa.
This was good. It painted a picture of poverty and disdain for my prizes. Nice work. It didn’t win.
Then there was this gem:
Andy – I have freshly baked cookies. Think of the children, Michael.
If only this one made a little bit more sense it might have won. Unfortunately, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around why Andy couldn’t give the cookies to the children without winning the contest; in the end it raised more questions than it answered. Good try, Andy. But you lost.
Satur9 – I’m only participating to win the old rice. I’m starving.
Also very good. Shows proper disdain for the prizes and, again, paints a picture of poverty, which I like a lot. Anything involving poverty was good. So nice job. But not nice enough, loser.
In the category of totally filthy submissions, this was my favorite:
Clayton – You make me laugh so hard I shit cum.
While I generally frowned on anything that seemed kiss-assy, the idea of shitting cum really appealed to me. So great job on creating an indelible image in my mind that will not depart anytime soon. A good effort, but I couldn’t award prizes to somebody who combined shitting and cumming. We’re both better than that.
This one gets honorable mention even though it’s a disqualified entry:
Robin – Michael. Come on now. It’s me. I also poop candy-corn.
Sadly, “candy corn” is two words, putting you over the limit. I suspect you knew that and tried to hyphenate it to fool me. Not this time, sister.
Another honorable mention goes to Vincent who chose to guilt me into me into declaring him the winner.
Vincent – Because if I don’t win my girlfriend takes my thumbs.
It was a good ploy, but I have no way of knowing whether Vincent currently has thumbs or not. Maybe he doesn’t have thumbs already and was using this fact as a pretense for making me think something horrible was going to happen to him if I didn’t select him. Or maybe it was just another losing entry.
The only anonymous entry was one of my favorites.
Anonymous – Just give the prizes to your boyfriend Tucker Max.
I like the bitchy tone, I like the reference to my “boyfriend” Tucker Max, I like the obvious contempt. There’s a lot to like here. Unveil yourself, Anonymous, you almost won my contest. You didn’t, but you came close.
Here’s a fun new twist on a familiar theme
Avery – Would be so happy that I would poop your pants.
This is so stupid and obvious that I’m surprised I’ve never heard it before. By the way, stupid and obvious are good in my book. He’s going to poop my pants. Great imagery. I recognize that three of my honorable mentions involve shitting in some capacity, but that’s just because shitting is funny.
Here’s one that took a very direct approach that had me laughing.
Lauren – I have a vagina if you want to use it.
Lauren, I may take you up on that at some future date, and I may even pay you with some of the same prizes I offered for my contest, but in terms of you winning today, sorry. You lose. Loser.
Here are my top three.
Chris – This website smells like my dick (My dick smells fantastic.)
This has everything going for it. It puts me down, makes a dick joke, and then has an unexpected twist at the end. Great, great work. Great enough, that is, for third place. Which is the exact same as a millionth place.
Number two is, by far, the most literate entry.
Nick – A single view is comical; a million is a statistic.
This one almost won. For those of you who don’t get it, it’s a reference to Stalin who once said that “One death is a tragedy. A million is a statistic.” So I like that a lot because it somehow manages to combine my contest with genocide. But if I picked you to win I would look pretentious for getting the joke, and I already look pretentious enough in my daily doings without you adding to it. Nick also gets extra points for trusting that I would get the joke. Thanks for putting your trust in me. Ultimately, as good as this entry was, it’s still a case of “thanks but no thanks.” You suck.
And here is the winner. No doubt some of you will argue with my selection just as people complain to Rolling Stone magazine every time they publish their list of top songs or top album covers or whatever. But before you bitch at me, just keep in mind that the total retail value of the prizes is about forty-two dollars. Not enough to get bent out of shape for, and the rice at this point is totally inedible.
So here it is, the winning entry for my “Millionth Viewer Contest.”
Justin – Google, you knew I didn’t mean Ian Ziering. Good redirection.
Here’s why I liked it so much. It tells a whole story in ten words: I know the beginning, I know the middle, I know the end. I know a lot from these ten words. Good sentence structure. Nice “Ian Ziering” reference, and I like the way he compliments Google at the end for a job well done. Haven’t we all wanted to compliment Google? And yet Justin takes time out of entering a contest do to it, all within ten words. This is a brilliant entry, fully deserving of all prizes.
JUSTIN, YOU ARE THE WINNER! This is the greatest day of your entire life. All will pale in comparison after this. Even the birth of your children will feel humdrum. Even your first trip into space will produce a yawn when held up next to this moment. From this moment on you will only feel worse, never better. Oh well.
Please email email@example.com with your address and any photograph you want posted, you big winner you.