(I’m really excited about using military time and also “GMT.” I was thinking about using Zulu Time but I don’t know if that’s a real thing. If it is, I really want to start using it.)
Those of you who thought LeWar was going to be a cakewalk were in for a letdown today. New fronts opened in England, Finland, and in the Irish town of Shaquille O’Neal. LeVar Burton is proving to be a worthy adversary. He even went so far as to go back in time, plant a sleeper agent on “The Price is Right,” outfit that person in a Reading Rainbow t-shirt and then have him win BOTH showcases. He did this just to let me know he can. Bastard.
His power is mighty indeed.
But we are strong, too. Already my soldiers have began sorting themselves into rank. Some of the popular ranks today: haberdasher-in-chief, minion, chimney sweep, and girl with big hair. No trollops yet, but I suspect those are coming. If there’s one thing Patton taught us, it’s hold your trollops in reserve. And also stand in front of a really big flag whenever you get a chance because it looks cool.
Where is LeWar heading? Towards victory, of course. Surely there are those of you who want to hear my blueprint for my eventual and inevitable conquest. I could tell you exactly how I am going to win, but I don’t want to tip my hand. The internet is filled with spies, saboteurs, turncoats, and “Reading Rainbow” fans. They are a treacherous lot. Worse, they can read.
No, I am going to have to play this one close to the vest. Of course, first I’m going to have to get a vest, but Banana Republic is having some very good sales lately so that shouldn’t be a problem.
To my army, I say this: victory will not come easily. More blood will surely be shed before we may lay down our weapons. Take heart. Our cause is righteous. Exactly what our cause is, I do not know, but I know it is righteous if for no other reason than it’s fun to say the word "Righteous!"
Nobody desires peace more than I, of course, but there will be a day for peace. But friends, that time is not now. Now is the time for LeWar!