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February 24, 2009

LeWar Update

LeWar Update
04:15:11 GMT

(I’m really excited about using military time and also “GMT.” I was thinking about using Zulu Time but I don’t know if that’s a real thing. If it is, I really want to start using it.)

Those of you who thought LeWar was going to be a cakewalk were in for a letdown today. New fronts opened in England, Finland, and in the Irish town of Shaquille O’Neal. LeVar Burton is proving to be a worthy adversary. He even went so far as to go back in time, plant a sleeper agent on “The Price is Right,” outfit that person in a Reading Rainbow t-shirt and then have him win BOTH showcases. He did this just to let me know he can. Bastard.

His power is mighty indeed.

But we are strong, too. Already my soldiers have began sorting themselves into rank. Some of the popular ranks today: haberdasher-in-chief, minion, chimney sweep, and girl with big hair. No trollops yet, but I suspect those are coming. If there’s one thing Patton taught us, it’s hold your trollops in reserve. And also stand in front of a really big flag whenever you get a chance because it looks cool.

Where is LeWar heading? Towards victory, of course. Surely there are those of you who want to hear my blueprint for my eventual and inevitable conquest. I could tell you exactly how I am going to win, but I don’t want to tip my hand. The internet is filled with spies, saboteurs, turncoats, and “Reading Rainbow” fans. They are a treacherous lot. Worse, they can read.

No, I am going to have to play this one close to the vest. Of course, first I’m going to have to get a vest, but Banana Republic is having some very good sales lately so that shouldn’t be a problem.

To my army, I say this: victory will not come easily. More blood will surely be shed before we may lay down our weapons. Take heart. Our cause is righteous. Exactly what our cause is, I do not know, but I know it is righteous if for no other reason than it’s fun to say the word "Righteous!"

Nobody desires peace more than I, of course, but there will be a day for peace. But friends, that time is not now. Now is the time for LeWar!


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To the death, Mon Capitan!!

p.s. wtf haven't you tweeted back at me? I've been forced to assign my own title, which is pathetic. Even worse--the title: Grandmistress Hotlips of the Hot Lips and Poison Darts.


Also, I am so all over your battle speech. Starting in 5 seconds.

p.p.s pictures of said Banana Republic vest please. That is all. Sir.


Let us vanquish the proud, let us conquer the hoity-toity, for only those who stand the weight of shame shall glee in #lewar victory!

Uruguay front reporting for duty.


Cry loud and let slip the Tweets of War!

I think that's better than my original, "Cry loud and let tweet the dogs of war."


i'm on board for you michael. i have final cut pro and i'm not afraid to use it. what? what's that? viral video attack ads? say no more...


Reading Rainbow is the shit!

I'm on the opposing side of your LeWar. Sorry, Michael. Maybe if you had a show as good quality as Reading Rainbow... Try again next time, buddy.


This LeWar is Twitteretarded.


Sample battle hymns:

Fear not the rainbo'd ones who read,for history shall record our eminent glory on the twittering field of battle and smile.

Friends, make ready your hearts in the face of adversity! For we shall triumph--and let all those who scoff be damned.

d3r1v3d (Gavin Mulligan)

You should encourage mandatory conscription in the Black legion for #leWar. I'm happy to report that Virginia is yours to command!


I humbly offer my services to your cause, Premier Black, Mein Fuhrer. Ever since I was a child, I was scarred and frightened by the political assumptions of the program known as "Reading Rainbow." It is with much joy in my heart that I find a leader willing to stand up to this menace. Perhaps, just perhaps, one day, my children's children can live in a world where we don't have to "take a look, into a book." Except yours. Its the bible of awesome.

sherisaid AKA Colonel Grabbyass

Take heed, LeVar followers, for we shall prevail. Battle News: Since the war began lo those many days (what, 2, 3?) MIB corps have gained more than 4,000 units. LeVar has barely done better than hold steady. If we extrapolate that equation and multiply by the growing web-wide interest in LeWar, we shall win this war in:

just kidding, I can't do math, what are you kidding? If I could, I'd be on the geek side.

Major Asksalot

He might have 'Reading Rainbow', but you have a rainbow machine... Turn it on, the time for mercy is past.

GrandMistress Hot Lips of the Hot Lips and Poison Darts

Death by rainbow. That is effing sexy.


We all know that rainbows can't even really read. What a sham! LeVar Burton is a jerk.


In this time of LeWar, I've made a facebook support group to rally this cause. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=53115086443 Team Michael Ian Black!

MitchTwiz Allied Commander European Sector

The troops have been marshalled in England, Sweden and the Sicily Isles. We are ready to fight this tyranical rainbow reading renegade. We are with you Sir and we salute you!


to the pain!


Yeah, you haven't tweeted me back, either, and I had to make due with my own lame name and rank, too. Half-dead Trollop with a Goat Ann Landers. The shame, MIB, the shame.

What the hell am I gonna do with this goat?


Sorry, man, but I think LeVar is going to come out on top. You notice it's called LeWar, not BlaWar? Don't be a Bush - know when it's time to stop!


This is a cheap way to get traffic to a no name site. You will never beat LeVar.

GrandMistress favoring her Poison Darts

Some of you are treading on thin ice, James. ~_^


Zulu and GMT are exactly the same time, and, YES, Zulu time is a real thing. Former military radioman here, we used Zulu time for everything.

Tom B.

I'm sorry. I can't bring myself to support anyone involved in a war that doesn't know that Zulu is the military/aviation name for GMT/UTC (http://cli.gs/BT5taJ) and can't be bothered to Google it.

d3r1v3d (Gavin Mulligan)

Bourtney: Do you realize that LeVar Burton is, essentially, a french version of Tim Burton? Warring with the french is akin to slapping around that kid on the playground who likes to play pogs and Magic cards. Sure, he may not like it and put up a fuss; but, honestly... what can he do about it?

That is all.

- General Mulligan, Commander of the Black Legion's Naval Forces


MIB, your twitter profile pic clearly shows that you already have a vest. (I mention this in case you forgot, so as to save you a trip to Banana Republic.)

At any rate, I am maintaining a relatively neutral stance in the LeWar, but I am interested in starting a career in profiteering. Please advise as to who I should submit my resume to/bloodily make an example of.

I thank you in advance,

Brownian AKA 'Snarling Lemur'

*Okay, I'm still working on the nickname.


Just confirming what DiAnna and Tom B. posted - Zulu time is completely real, is identical to GMT, and is called that to differentiate from Lima time. No, that's neither in Peru nor in a bean field - Lima is phonetic alphabet for "L," and in this case stands for "Local."

Also, you need to get rid of those messy colons. The time of this post should have been 0415Z. Pronounced "zero fower one fife zulu."

Now I need to go sign up with Twitter specifically to follow LeVar and defeat you and your namby-pamby civilian clock.

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