Here Is Your Winner
His name is Justin, and here's what I can tell him about from this picture:
First of all, this is a guy who knows how to take a picture. A lot of people would have just held up the camera at arm's length and snapped a photo or maybe cropped an ex-girlfriend out of a photo he had somewhere on his computer. Not Justin. He took the time to compose a celebratory shot and then had a friend or co-worker snap the photo. And judging by the image quality, this wasn't a one-click deal. I'm guessing they took several stabs at this photo before nailing it. And nail it they did. Every detail is perfect.
Consider the setting. A cubicle. The humblest of work environments. A workspace that says, "I'm going nowhere." The low ceiling, the drab lighting, the khaki pants, the mysterious object bulging in his front pant pocket. All of it adds up to a perfectly captured image of entry-level desperation and erectile dysfunction or perhaps erectile over-function.
We also learn a lot about Justin the man. When you add up the empty water bottles, the empty bottle of sports drink, the thermos, and the blue plastic cup, we learn that Justin is a man who likes to stay hydrated. That's good! No wonder his entry was so fresh; because he himself has plenty of liquid coursing through his veins.
We know that Justin is not married because he does not wear a ring. We know he does not have a girlfriend because of the lack of photos and because of the tie he chose to wear. We know that Justin is not a man given to frivolity. How? Consider his haircut. Somebody who was into superficial nonsense would have said to the barber, "Give me a haircut where the hairline does not angle at an alarming rate across my forehead." Not Justin. He doesn't care about that stuff. Because he's an artist.
How do I know he's an artist? Because he has an artist's soul. Not only did he write the winning entry to my contest, but look at his screen saver - a luminescent fantasyland cityscape. Only somebody who does not care if anybody thinks he's gay would have that as their screen saver. And that kind of person is called an "artist." Or a shaman. But Justin doesn't look like a shaman. No friends, Justin looks like a winner.
How can you not love a man who works hard on a celebratory shot and likes to stay hydrated?
Justin, I love you. Congrats!
Posted by: Rachel | February 19, 2009 at 09:04 PM
Oh Michael, I didn't win because you're sick of me, aren't you?
Posted by: Nick | February 19, 2009 at 09:23 PM
Man, I am so glad I didn't win. I love that Justin is super pumped. Hugs to Justin, yay!
I like your tie.
Posted by: Jaime | February 19, 2009 at 09:51 PM
I bet that picture is a replication of the reaction Justin had the exact moment he found out he'd won Michael's contest. I'd be wicked fuckin' excited, too.
Posted by: Satur9 | February 19, 2009 at 09:55 PM
Justin double wins. Once for the contest, once for this amazing celebratory shot. Congrats!
Posted by: Aimee | February 19, 2009 at 11:10 PM
Michael, you should consider a side job as a Detective with your eye for detail.
Justin, you should consider law enforcement, blue becomes you. You also have that "police brutality stance" down pat.
I hope you decide to share perhaps two more pictures with us readers, and that Michael allows it. One of you opening the package of goodies, because we know you'll have an expression to beat all expressions. A second of you displaying the prizes so we can all share in viewing the books, socks, used Q-Tips, etc.
Posted by: Reen | February 19, 2009 at 11:19 PM
justin, you should have taken a picture of your dick so these people ^^^^ could see what they're sucking on
Posted by: Sean M | February 19, 2009 at 11:21 PM
Wow, I love Sean M. He is such a sweetheart. Always ready with a word to lift the folks up. Good on you sir.
Posted by: Jaime | February 20, 2009 at 01:08 AM
I think I just fell in love...maybe not with Justin, but your description for sure.
Posted by: Bailey | February 20, 2009 at 01:19 AM
Justin is SO lucky! He not only wins your great prizes, but also gets to be publicly ridiculed on your very popular blog. BONUS!
Posted by: Susanna | February 20, 2009 at 01:29 AM
Justin is, as they say, the fuckin' MAN!
Posted by: Tee | February 20, 2009 at 04:35 AM
I say he loses points for not having MichaelIanBlack.net up on the screen in the background. Come on, people -- details matter.
Posted by: charley | February 20, 2009 at 05:24 AM
What an awesome way to start my day. That and the meth.
Great pic,Justin!
Posted by: Camille | February 20, 2009 at 07:43 AM
screensaver...this photo
http://flickr.com/photos/stuckincustoms/3259217139/
Congrats Justin!
Posted by: m~ | February 20, 2009 at 08:56 AM
Hey m~, the guy who took that photo is speaking in Austin next week. Would it be strange if I went and explained: "My favorite comic had a Why-I-should-be-the-Millionth-Viewer contest, which was won by Justin, who took a photo, which had your photo, which m~ linked to, which took me to your blog, which told me about your lecture, which brought me here. Nice pic. Can you help me meet Michael Ian Black?"
Do you think it would work??
Posted by: Jaime | February 20, 2009 at 09:45 AM
Justin is proof positive that dreams do come true. And he's also proof positive that all it takes is a fist full of lotion, a computer, and your own private cubicle to make being at work an enjoyable experience. Congrats to you Justin! You are a man who does not let terrorism win and we all admire that.
Posted by: Chris | February 20, 2009 at 10:54 AM
Single, eh? Well I guess two people won here
Posted by: Stephanie | February 20, 2009 at 12:18 PM
Your analysis of this individual is spot on.
Also, that is MY picture on his desktop. He won it in a knife-fight.
You can find the full size of that photo here: http://www.stuckincustoms.com/hdr-tutorial/
Posted by: Trey Ratcliff | February 20, 2009 at 03:45 PM
What a neat, if slightly alarming, summation. Congrats again, Justin.
Posted by: Jenny | February 21, 2009 at 12:26 AM
Ahaha. Congrats Justin. You're the man.
Posted by: Amanda | February 21, 2009 at 03:48 PM
Justin,
I love you. I want your balls in my mouth later. And then I want to have sex with you on my couch.
Sincerely,
Your Dad
Posted by: D | February 21, 2009 at 04:22 PM
Oooh Jamie. it would TOTALLY work. and it appears Trey is already here!
Posted by: m~ | February 21, 2009 at 06:44 PM
geez...you grilled the winner Michael.
Posted by: Brendan | February 22, 2009 at 06:21 PM
I thought for a sec the desktop image was something i shot...but i guess the hong kong skyline as seen from the mountain top all looks the same.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/newave/2165806281/in/set-72157603560630738/
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