Countdown to 1,000,000 Page Views!
Yes, I’m quickly approaching the 1,000,000 page view mark on my blog. As far as I can calculate, I’m only responsible for about 600,000 of those. The impending milestone is so exciting that my hands are trembling a little as I write these words. One million. It’s a great number, possibly the best number in the numberverse. A thousand is pedestrian. A billion is esoteric. And a trillion has come to connote scandalous financial imbroglios. A million, though, still has sizzle. Yep, despite its declining value, a million’s still got the ol’ razzmatazz. And so, to honor this incredible achievement, I am sponsoring a contest to honor and celebrate my one millionth visitor.
It’s just like that old grocery store scenario I used to dream about in which I was the millionth customer and I was rewarded with groceries and cars and home appliances. Never in my dream did I wonder how or why the grocery store kept such a careful count on how many customers it had. I just knew that they knew that I was the millionth, and that was good enough to cause air raid sirens to wail, balloons to drop, and a girl with a sash to plant a big wet one right on my kisser.
The difference between my contest and theirs is twofold: one, I actually do know how many people have visited my website and two, the prizes are better than groceries and cars and home appliances.
What kind of prizes are you going to win, future millionth visitor? Check these out:
• A Comedy Central Stella DVD autographed by me!
• A copy of my children’s book “Chicken Cheeks” autographed by me!
• A copy of “My Custom Van” autographed by one of my kids!
• An old sock (not autographed)!
• The rest of the rice my wife made the other day!
• Some other shit I’ve got laying around that I don’t want!
Wow!
Of course, determining who the exact one millionth visitor to my blog is won’t be easy. In fact, it’s probably not possible, even using my new CIA approved cyber-tracker. But I’m going to do my best to get as close as possible. I’ve hired some recently laid off Geek Squad technicians to monitor my computer all day, every day. This kills two birds with one stone because they are simultaneously counting my visitors and uploading every episode of “Smallville,” which one of them tells me is “the balls.” In the biz, that’s what we call a “twofer.” I’ve run the numbers and Iexpect the one millionth visitor sometime in the next week. When that moment happens, I will drop whatever I am doing at that moment (unless I am in the middle of a particularly good round of Robotron), and issue the following statement to the press:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black (very famous) is proud to announce that his Webby Award winning website,* Michaelianblack.net, has just surpassed the one million page view mark! The millionth visitor was identified as (winner’s name here), an unemployed (winner's occupation) from (winner’s location). (Winner’s name) has won a trove of valuable Michael Ian Black-related prizes and a brand new 2009 BMW 328i!**
Michael Ian Black is a comedian/actor/writer/director best known for a number of short-lived, marginally successful television programs and a sock puppet that almost killed the internet.
• Neither Michael nor his website has ever won any awards
** There’s no car
Awwww Jenny! That just done warmed my belly, you are so nice and cool and pretty and sweee...hey! GET your PAWS off my PRIZES girl! What you think you DOIN?!?! (grumble grumble rabble rabble grouse grouse mutter mutter snort. hug... mine.)
Posted by: Jaime | February 13, 2009 at 03:26 PM
My Custom Van was a great. I love that shit.
Posted by: Chris | February 13, 2009 at 03:37 PM
What a coincidence! I've been the millionth visitor at four different sites this week! None of them had prizes like yours, though. I'm not sure what their prizes are, but I gave them my Social Security Number, My Bank Account info, and my ATM password.
I hope they send me a puppy.
Posted by: Rick | February 14, 2009 at 11:09 AM
Suh-weet.
Posted by: gatto | February 14, 2009 at 09:30 PM
I expect most people here already have all the prizes on offer, either legitimately or from digging through your trash.
Good luck everyone!
Kindest,
Rick (a different one from above)
Posted by: Rick (a different one from above) | February 16, 2009 at 01:44 PM
Chevy Chase, Maryland better not win. I see him on here all the time and anyone silly enough to live in a town named after Chevy Chase should not win free prizes. Maybe you could give him the rice.
There's only 2 good things about Chevy Chase:
1. His chin cleft and
2. The white pants he wore in "Caddyshack"
Posted by: Reen | February 16, 2009 at 03:11 PM
toy story 2 was ok
Posted by: teresamsmith55 | February 17, 2009 at 02:53 PM
I haven't orgasmed since I saw you in Ann Arbor.
Posted by: Cynthia | February 17, 2009 at 03:37 PM
Simple. Because I want those free stuff, FROM YOU !
Posted by: Tinlinger | February 17, 2009 at 04:11 PM
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Request you send sock ... need DNA for sex clone experiment.
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Posted by: Cheynooki | February 17, 2009 at 04:20 PM
I should win for the simple reason that I am the greatest person to ever read a Michael Ian Black blog post. I am a king among men, and a god among kings; if you don't believe me, ask any king that you know. Oh, what's that, you don't know any kings? Well, I know seven, making me better than you. You may not have noticed this, but earlier I used a semi-colon. Suck on that sk8rchik77. Another reason I should win, I already own all the prizes offered. I think I deserve to own two of everything MIB has done, minus Wedding Daze. Come on Black, Jason Biggs? I think the final reason I should win is that I plan on mastering time travel, and a certain very famous celebrity whose name rhymes with "crack" might get to visit all his favorite Canadian Prime Ministers, like Wilfred Laurier or John Abbott. Oh yeah, and I am from Canada, so I might be able to get you all the beaver pelts you could ever ask for.
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Posted by: Prorsapponusy | April 02, 2009 at 03:29 PM