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February 11, 2009

Countdown to 1,000,000 Page Views!

Yes, I’m quickly approaching the 1,000,000 page view mark on my blog. As far as I can calculate, I’m only responsible for about 600,000 of those. The impending milestone is so exciting that my hands are trembling a little as I write these words. One million. It’s a great number, possibly the best number in the numberverse. A thousand is pedestrian. A billion is esoteric. And a trillion has come to connote scandalous financial imbroglios. A million, though, still has sizzle. Yep, despite its declining value, a million’s still got the ol’ razzmatazz. And so, to honor this incredible achievement,  I am sponsoring a contest to honor and celebrate my one millionth visitor.

Picture 1

It’s just like that old grocery store scenario I used to dream about in which I was the millionth customer and I was rewarded with groceries and cars and home appliances. Never in my dream did I wonder how or why the grocery store kept such a careful count on how many customers it had. I just knew that they knew that I was the millionth, and that was good enough to cause air raid sirens to wail, balloons to drop, and a girl with a sash to plant a big wet one right on my kisser.

The difference between my contest and theirs is twofold: one, I actually do know how many people have visited my website and two, the prizes are better than groceries and cars and home appliances.

What kind of prizes are you going to win, future millionth visitor? Check these out:

• A Comedy Central Stella DVD autographed by me!

• A copy of my children’s book “Chicken Cheeks” autographed by me!

• A copy of “My Custom Van” autographed by one of my kids!

• An old sock (not autographed)!

• The rest of the rice my wife made the other day!

• Some other shit I’ve got laying around that I don’t want!

Wow!

Of course, determining who the exact one millionth visitor to my blog is won’t be easy. In fact, it’s probably not possible, even using my new CIA approved cyber-tracker. But I’m going to do my best to get as close as possible. I’ve hired some recently laid off Geek Squad technicians to monitor my computer all day, every day. This kills two birds with one stone because they are simultaneously counting my visitors and uploading every episode of “Smallville,” which one of them tells me is “the balls.” In the biz, that’s what we call a “twofer.” I’ve run the numbers and Iexpect the one millionth visitor sometime in the next week. When that moment happens, I will drop whatever I am doing at that moment (unless I am in the middle of a particularly good round of Robotron), and issue the following statement to the press:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black (very famous) is proud to announce that his Webby Award winning website,* Michaelianblack.net, has just surpassed the one million page view mark! The millionth visitor was identified as (winner’s name here), an unemployed (winner's occupation) from (winner’s location). (Winner’s name) has won a trove of valuable Michael Ian Black-related prizes and a brand new 2009 BMW 328i!**

Michael Ian Black is a comedian/actor/writer/director best known for a number of short-lived, marginally successful television programs and a sock puppet that almost killed the internet.




•   Neither Michael nor his website has ever won any awards
** There’s no car

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Reptar

I think this is a contest where everyone wins!

Just kidding, of course. Whoever is from Rome, NY can eat a dick. They visited 5 minutes ago and don't have a chance.

Reens going to win! Not YOU Jaime! OR Camille! HA!

Oh boy. This is not going to help with my clicking problem. No, not one single bit.

Oh who cares? NOT ME!

I hope I win and get the prizes! This time I have a chance!

I really want to win and get all those prizes! I haven't won anything in a contest since I won a Beatles poster at Beatlemania about 20 years ago presented by some weird English guy from Wings!

Michael - please wash that stinky sock with Gain (my favorite) and get it ready to bubble wrap because you are looking at the biggest, fattest clicker of all! Right here!

(I hope the extra prizes you have lying around include used chapstick! YAY!)

Love,
Reen <---future winner of ALL the prizes!

Clayton

So here's how you find out who the winner is:

Find a way to get that super badass CIA cyber tracker onto your site, so that everyone can see what number they are. Then have the millionth person take a screen capture to prove that they indeed are the lucky winner of all that awesome shit. Some problems with this method might be that the lucky person:

Is a robot.

Is a frustrated Internet user searching for gay porn, and only stumbled upon this site because of the high frequency of the words "Gay" and "Michael Ian Black" being used together.

Doesn't know how to take one of those high tech "screen captures."

Has a PC. (I don't really know if PCs can do this or not, I'm just assuming they can't because they sort of suck, a lot.)

Is high.

Is MIB (most likely)

Susanna

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now here's a contest I actually have a shot at winning!! Fuck the lottery. There's no shame in my game - I'm here ALL THE TIME!

Tell your wife to keep that rice fresh, as I have a finicky palette (Did that sound weird? It sounded a bit weird to me).

Calvin

If you log the IP address of all visitors to the site, you could find the IP address of the millionth visitor. Then have it coded into your site that when that IP address visits again, it displays a special message that only they can see containing instructions on claiming their prize.

Stephanie

Ha! Clayton! PC means Personal Computer! I just got that.

Brandi

Can you please just say I won and send me the stuff already? seriously, it would probably widen your fan baseee....

just send the damned stuff to me. i want it. i NEED it.

Tee

I want to know who the hell is visiting from Portsmouth, and who's the other London visitor? There are other people in England who adore you?!!?

You know, from where I've been sitting these past 7 lonely years, that's akin to finding life on Mars...

Winner

Hello everyone, Winner here. This works out especially well for me, as I'm very hungry and desperately need that rice.

Jaime

Can one of the things laying around that you don't want be "other dirty sock," because why would you have just one dirty sock? This implies you walked around wearing one sneakered sock and one sandaled bare foot, and that is just strange. Is Michael Ian Black strange? Yes he is, but only one sneakered sock is weird looking, and Michael, as everyone knows, is only cool looking and cutting edge with his zipper sweaters and cool chicken suits. So, that means there's another dirty sock floating around, and I _want it_! Sooooo, clickity clickity clickity click click click!

Camille

Oooh....I can just see that nasty old sock over a rice background(hot glued) in my Michael Ian Black shadowbox*. Right next to the signed defaced pic.
Oh,and suck it ,Renee(even though I heart you).

Camille

*To date, there is no shadowbox.To date.

Camille

I have a dream, that on day a contest will be announced that the winner receives a two day road trip package with MIB and Showalter.(plus a Cracker Barrel gift card

Reen is a shameless mo'fo and talks in 3rd person

Ha! I'm here again! Different location, but here again - that's what matters. I'm increasing your web site views and ultimately racking up points to win the prizes, right? Is that how it works?

I fly around a lot, travel a lot. Yes I'm Ohio, Illinois, Nebraska, NY, CT, CA, London, Alabammy, you get the picture. All of them: ME!

No one can prove otherwise. Unless you have a satellite tracker that pinpoints my exacto knife location. In that case you can see I'm in a stupid cuticle in the middle of a cornfield.

Count on one thing: I'm going to hold my breath (and this fart) until I get all the prizes.

Duke

Winning this contest would totally replace the time I shared an airplane with Gallagher as the Number One highlight of my life.
Of course, that was Ron Gallagher of 'Gallagher Too'. Not the real Gallagher.
Nothing could ever top that.

Mark Garcia

Congratulations!

Bailey

Whose sock would it be?

stephanie

You guys are weird. SOO WEEEIIRRRDD!! Actually not that weird.

Reen clicks

I clicked again! See?

This reply on your Q & A board both startled and tickled me immensely:

"My ploy to get my own show pretty much ended when that Scottish fucker Craig Ferguson destroyed my life."


You were tons funnier than he was anyway. Your sketches and replies were funnier and you had a blood transfusion right on the air! (sort of) He's just a big old dummy pants. No one watches him.

Ok, I need to stay off this blog and give it a rest. I can click without typing. Typing is not needed to win the type of major awards that you are peddling.

Reptar

Jaime,

The logical assumption to make would be that he only has one dirty sock because the other dirty sock has technically been transformed into a cum rag in the past few months, and thus no longer qualifies as a sock (though it is quite dirty.)

camille

Reptar-
"ewwww!"

Jenny

Man, oh man I hope it's me!! I wonder. If you click the "refresh" button does that count as a new page view?

I need to go plan my strategy.

(still in awe and am loving your reponses of facebook! how are you so cool???)

Jaime

Reptar,

Of course! I hadn't thought about the possibility of transmogrification by spooge... this is why you are a good one to know. Always thinkin, you are. About spooge.

Well in any case, a doity sock is a doity sock, I always say, *eyebrow wiggle wiggle wiggle, ash ash ash* (That's the best written Groucho impression I've got. I know. It is sad.) Am I the winner yet?!

Jenny

You're a winner to me, Jaime!

And if you win, I'm stealing your prizes. -_-

Reen

Todays a brand new clicker of a day. Now, I want you to think about this: New blogs = new clicks. Hard work = satisfying reward.

Or

"You can't have your pudding if you didn't eat your meat."

--Pink Floyd--
(and he knows)

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