Countdown to 1,000,000 Page Views!
Yes, I’m quickly approaching the 1,000,000 page view mark on my blog. As far as I can calculate, I’m only responsible for about 600,000 of those. The impending milestone is so exciting that my hands are trembling a little as I write these words. One million. It’s a great number, possibly the best number in the numberverse. A thousand is pedestrian. A billion is esoteric. And a trillion has come to connote scandalous financial imbroglios. A million, though, still has sizzle. Yep, despite its declining value, a million’s still got the ol’ razzmatazz. And so, to honor this incredible achievement, I am sponsoring a contest to honor and celebrate my one millionth visitor.
It’s just like that old grocery store scenario I used to dream about in which I was the millionth customer and I was rewarded with groceries and cars and home appliances. Never in my dream did I wonder how or why the grocery store kept such a careful count on how many customers it had. I just knew that they knew that I was the millionth, and that was good enough to cause air raid sirens to wail, balloons to drop, and a girl with a sash to plant a big wet one right on my kisser.
The difference between my contest and theirs is twofold: one, I actually do know how many people have visited my website and two, the prizes are better than groceries and cars and home appliances.
What kind of prizes are you going to win, future millionth visitor? Check these out:
• A Comedy Central Stella DVD autographed by me!
• A copy of my children’s book “Chicken Cheeks” autographed by me!
• A copy of “My Custom Van” autographed by one of my kids!
• An old sock (not autographed)!
• The rest of the rice my wife made the other day!
• Some other shit I’ve got laying around that I don’t want!
Of course, determining who the exact one millionth visitor to my blog is won’t be easy. In fact, it’s probably not possible, even using my new CIA approved cyber-tracker. But I’m going to do my best to get as close as possible. I’ve hired some recently laid off Geek Squad technicians to monitor my computer all day, every day. This kills two birds with one stone because they are simultaneously counting my visitors and uploading every episode of “Smallville,” which one of them tells me is “the balls.” In the biz, that’s what we call a “twofer.” I’ve run the numbers and Iexpect the one millionth visitor sometime in the next week. When that moment happens, I will drop whatever I am doing at that moment (unless I am in the middle of a particularly good round of Robotron), and issue the following statement to the press:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black (very famous) is proud to announce that his Webby Award winning website,* Michaelianblack.net, has just surpassed the one million page view mark! The millionth visitor was identified as (winner’s name here), an unemployed (winner's occupation) from (winner’s location). (Winner’s name) has won a trove of valuable Michael Ian Black-related prizes and a brand new 2009 BMW 328i!**
Michael Ian Black is a comedian/actor/writer/director best known for a number of short-lived, marginally successful television programs and a sock puppet that almost killed the internet.
• Neither Michael nor his website has ever won any awards
** There’s no car