It could be tomorrow, it could be the next day, but somebody is about to win a shitload of amazing prizes! Yes, I am about to surpass the 1,000,000 page view mark on my blog – the first time any blog has ever reached this number. Am I excited? I am. Am I expecting a call from the people at the Guiness Book of World Records? I am. Am I going to tell them to go fuck themselves because they did not recognize my previous world record for best-ever humming rendition of the 1979 Eagles song “Heartache Tonight?” I am.
How to commemorate such an event? With a contest, yes. But that is something I am giving to others. Surely I deserve something for myself. But what? For starters, a pat on the back. So often in life we don’t take the time to give ourselves something as simple as a “job well done, Self.” Well Self, I’m keeping a “job well done” all warmed-up and waiting to be delivered just as soon as that magic number rolls over.
Something else I’ve been waiting for a special occasion to treat myself to: a spoonful of vegan coconut gelato. When the blog hits a million, I say “to heck with my diet” and give me some yum-yums! As regular readers know, I am a staunch vegan and have been for years. Dinner tonight, for example, was couscous, white wine, prunes, green olives, and some fantastic broiled chicken. Why did I choose to commit to this lifestyle? Because I believe in the cause and because teenage girls seem to find it sexy. But I’ve had a pint of this amazing vegan coconut gelato in my freezer that I’ve been dying to eat, but I’ve been holding out for a special occasion. This might be it. One spoonful, then I’m right back on the wagon.
Another celebratory gift to myself could be this gorgeous tiger skin rug I’ve been eyeing. I know that some people probably think that a vegan shouldn’t own a tiger skin rug, and ordinarily I would agree with you except for two things: 1. I’m not eating the tiger meat. I asked and they told me the tiger was left to rot. 2. It’s really, really cool. The reason I haven’t bought the rug up until this point is because apparently there are some pretty stringent laws on the books about importing rare Bengal tiger skin rug, which translates into a substantial mark-up on the part of the dealer. In other words, Johnny Law has figured out yet another way to totally screw me.
I was also thinking about finally telling my wife about this blog, but then I decided if I did that she might start reading it and that could cause a lot of problems around the house, so I’ve pretty much nixed that idea.
In short, I know I’m going to do something special when the Big Mil comes around, but I haven’t exactly decided what. Maybe all of it. The “job well done,” the gelato, and the rug. Or maybe I’ll just do what I always do when something positive happens, and that is pray to God to strike me dead now while my mood is good.