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February 15, 2009

Almost There!

It could be tomorrow, it could be the next day, but somebody is about to win a shitload of amazing prizes! Yes, I am about to surpass the 1,000,000 page view mark on my blog – the first time any blog has ever reached this number. Am I excited? I am. Am I expecting a call from the people at the Guiness Book of World Records? I am. Am I going to tell them to go fuck themselves because they did not recognize my previous world record for best-ever humming rendition of the 1979 Eagles song “Heartache Tonight?” I am.

Picture 1

How to commemorate such an event? With a contest, yes. But that is something I am giving to others. Surely I deserve something for myself. But what? For starters, a pat on the back. So often in life we don’t take the time to give ourselves something as simple as a “job well done, Self.” Well Self, I’m keeping a “job well done” all warmed-up and waiting to be delivered just as soon as that magic number rolls over.

Something else I’ve been waiting for a special occasion to treat myself to: a spoonful of vegan coconut gelato. When the blog hits a million, I say “to heck with my diet” and give me some yum-yums! As regular readers know, I am a staunch vegan and have been for years. Dinner tonight, for example, was couscous, white wine, prunes, green olives, and some fantastic broiled chicken. Why did I choose to commit to this lifestyle? Because I believe in the cause and because teenage girls seem to find it sexy. But I’ve had a pint of this amazing vegan coconut gelato in my freezer that I’ve been dying to eat, but I’ve been holding out for a special occasion. This might be it. One spoonful, then I’m right back on the wagon.

Another celebratory gift to myself could be this gorgeous tiger skin rug I’ve been eyeing. I know that some people probably think that a vegan shouldn’t own a tiger skin rug, and ordinarily I would agree with you except for two things: 1. I’m not eating the tiger meat. I asked and they told me the tiger was left to rot. 2. It’s really, really cool. The reason I haven’t bought the rug up until this point is because apparently there are some pretty stringent laws on the books about importing rare Bengal tiger skin rug, which translates into a substantial mark-up on the part of the dealer. In other words, Johnny Law has figured out yet another way to totally screw me. 

I was also thinking about finally telling my wife about this blog, but then I decided if I did that she might start reading it and that could cause a lot of problems around the house, so I’ve pretty much nixed that idea.

In short, I know I’m going to do something special when the Big Mil comes around, but I haven’t exactly decided what. Maybe all of it. The “job well done,” the gelato, and the rug. Or maybe I’ll just do what I always do when something positive happens, and that is pray to God to strike me dead now while my mood is good.


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i can't wait til i'm the millionth visitor


Me too


Too late. I already was dozens of time ago.

Mitchell Klooster

Hell yes. I can't wait for the celebration.

Craig Conley

Ha! Terrific zinger, as usual!


When you get that 1,000,000 hit, I hope you will feel the same joy that you've given all of us (the faithful readers of your blog) since August 2007! That's a whole damn lot of joy, so please relish it.


I'm going to organize a party based around this once in a life time event.


God damn it.
Thanks for picking the one day* I'm busy to get a million views, Michael.
Ah, well, I wouldn't of won.

*I'm busy everyday this week.


The only prize we need is for you to keep giving us a reason to click on your blog page.


I'm... NOT the millionth visitor. Poo.


If I win the millionth visitor spot ; I will donate all my prizes to the poor and will organize a MIB March on Washington to help celebrate ....yup I would

Chris Flannery

I predict the millionth hit at 4 am EST on Tuesday. Which means MIB will likely need to ship the prizes to a lucky reader in Mongolia.


Congratulations! You have the best blog on the internet. Fact.

I'd like to hear a real live Vegan hum "Heartache tonight" by The Eagles. That's a toughie. "Hotel California" might be even more of a toughie though, especially that long guitar intro.

Your wife may want to send you to the dog house after reading a few of your zingers. I have a suggestion to combat her possible wrath. Gently remind her that you publicly promised to eat shit the rest of your life to keep her alive and breathing. All should be forgiven.

You may thank me by giving me all of the prizes.


Not so fast,Renee! Um,if Martha does happen upon this blog,she just needs to remember that whole thing about the shadowbox....well, I fully intend to shape the rice into a replica of their wedding pic.


Oh Cam, I didn't even think about how creepy the fans comments may appear. I doubt that will cause any problems, we're just a bunch of drooling thugs who chatter too much.


As soon as I started reading this blog today, "Bittersweet Symphony" started playing randomly on my iTunes. That HAS to mean something. It better mean something. I really want some left-over rice, and it would be a bonus if that rice was just slightly overcooked.

Martin D. Fallswell, of Fallswell, Fallswell, and Bink

Gelato huh -- reminds me in that old-man way of a shop in Bev. Hills that my sweaty ass walked into after chasing down an elusive camera shop, then on the way to find my blasted car and hopefully get to the Gnarls Barkley show before they closed out.

Nice shop, there. I stopped by just for some hydration stuff, but the gelatos looked really good. It's on one of the main streets in their kind-of-like-a-downtown area, where all of the middle-class-glitzy shops are. Can't miss it.

Enjoy! Viva la it's-not-ice-cream!


I think you should eat 240 spoonfuls of gelato on your hot illegal black market tiger rug as you listen to the whispers of "Good job well done" from the interwebbings of a million fans.....

Though that sounds incredibly creepy, I'm sure it would be cool and would not skeev you out at all.

I'll start: (Good job, well done, good job, well done, good job, well done, good jo....)


Totally not creepy.


Because I'm a crybaby and I WILL need the nursery.

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