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January 31, 2009

The Worst Website I’ve Ever Seen

“This is the McChicken Sandwich. As soon as you leave, I’m going to go T. Rex on this thing.” – Paul

McDonald's does many things right, starting with their French fries, which are the international gold standard of fried potatoes. I have also commented in the past on their delicious Southwest salad. The McFlurry? McFuckable. Their food, with some notable exceptions (I’m looking at you McGriddle), is fantastic.

Where McDonald's consistently falls short, however, is in their marketing. Jesus they’ve got horrible marketing. Anybody who has ever seen a McDonald's commercial featuring rapping Chicken McNuggets knows what I am talking about.


(Pay special attention to the pop rocking Ronald McDonald)

McDonald's has a knack for appropriating the national zeitgeist and then getting it exactly and perfectly wrong. How they manage to so consistently mangle pop culture is beyond me, but they’ve been doing it so long that it seems to be part of their corporate DNA.

The way I interpret their marketing strategy is that they scour the landscape for trends, and then figure out a way to wring all the joy and authenticity out of whatever they find before presenting it to you, the consumer, as advertising.

So maybe it should come as no surprise that the good people at McDonald's are at it again. This time, they’re promoting their dollar menu with an animated web series entitled “(Dollar Menu presents) The Reality House Show.” You probably read the words “McDonalds animated web series/reality show parody” and think to yourself, “That sounds horrible.” Well you would be wrong to think that. Horrible doesn’t begin to describe how truly atrocious this thing is. I’ve never seen a more blatant and contrived example of corporate pandering in my life.


The idea, I suppose, was to appeal to the significant stoner demographic who spend most of their time watching Frisky Dingo marathons on Adult Swim. After all, these people have to eat too, and they most likely do not have a lot of money for the simple reason that they are high almost all of the time. So that was Step 1 – identifying the market.

Step 2 was undoubtedly a long meeting attended by various executives half-listening to the person giving the presentation and half playing with their BlackBerrys. At some point, somebody probably said, “Hey, stoners like cartoons. We should make a cartoon.” And somebody else probably said, “That’s a great idea, Dan.” (In my fictional retelling of this story, it was a guy named Dan who came up with this idea.) And then somebody else chimed in, “We could do a whole web series.” And then they all said, “Yeah, it’ll go viral!”

A word about viral video: I have been involved with enough people in the advertising world to know how much they love trendy buzzwords; these are words like “vertical integration,” “synergy,” and “push marketing.” They all mean the same thing: “If I say these buzzwords people will think I know what I’m talking about and I will not lose my job.” The latest buzzword is “viral video.” We all know what viral videos are – videos that spring from nowhere and then go on to infect the electronic ether with their hilarity. (Or tragedy. Or whatever. Usually hilarity.) The thing about viral videos, though, is that they’re very hard to create. The reason people like them is for their authenticity. As soon as anybody smells a whiff of phoniness, the thing dies a gruesome death. But that hasn’t stopped every fucking corporation in the world from attempting to create one. Undoubtedly some have succeeded, but if you are ever in a room where some executive goes, “Yeah, it’ll go viral,” you should take that as your cue to get up and go running for the exits because that person is a moron and if you stay there you might catch their moron disease.

Step 3 was every moron in that room agreeing that they would make a hilarious viral video. The problem, of course, is that McDonald's has never created anything even remotely hilarious. Touching they can do. You know, Special Olympians ordering fries and getting hugs. Stuff like that. Hilarious, not so much. But the Adult Swim stoner demographic likes to giggle, so they needed their “content” to be funny. Idea: cartoon fake reality show. Great, great idea. And except for the fact that I can think of at least two identical shows (“Total Drama Island” and “Drawn Together”) it’s also a totally original concept.

Step 4 is execution. Admittedly they had already jumped the shark by the time they got to Step 2, but Step 4 is where it got truly gruesome. Right off the bat there is the web design, which clues you in to the fact that you’re about to undergo a terrible viewing experience. The first thing you notice is the big fucking McDonald's logo. Then, in case that’s too subtle, the bottom third of the screen is filled with photographs of dollar menu items. This is what a cheeseburger looks like! This is what a chicken sandwich looks like! What is the color palette for the website? Surprisingly, red and gold.

Our host is a guy named Paul who introduces himself as the “Dollar Menuaire.” He looks like a cross between Carlos Santana and Weird Al. Everything about him screams, “I was instructed to do this voice-over in a way that tells everybody ‘I’m not trying too hard,’” and yet in his not-trying-too-hard, he is trying so very, very hard. After introducing himself, Paul tells us to “check out the drama” and also to “check out the food.” That sounds like fun - checking out pictures of food. 

Following Paul’s advice, I rolled over the photograph of the “McDouble,” which to my eye looks like a lot like a cheeseburger. When I did so, I was informed that I could “hear about it.” Naturally I wanted to hear whatever I could about this product, so I clicked. The cartoon image was replaced by an even larger picture of the McDouble. In other words, it was a commercial for McDonald's WITHIN THE COMMERCIAL FOR MCDONALD'S.

This is what the Dollar Menuaire told me about this particular dollar menu item:

“The McDouble. It’s my new love. All the excitement of dating a new lady who looks a lot like your ex.”

WHAT? What does that mean? He tells me about it, sure, but in such a way that I have no fucking clue what he’s talking about.

I repeated the process with the cup of soda. When I rolled over it, it reads “soft drink – hear about it.” Hear about soft drink? I’m in.

“Ah the soft drink. This is for all the thirsty kids in the crowd. You know, uh, once you get the cup. It’s okay to experiment. Me? I like two parts root beer and one part Sprite. I call it The Clear Root.”

At that point I wanted to yell at Paul because I didn’t believe him. I did not believe that he called anything “The Clear Root,” didn’t believe that he experimented with soda pop, and didn’t understand what he meant about soda being for thirsty kids once they get the cup.

I will leave it to you to hear about “side salad,” which involves Paul’s inner eye.

The show itself is not funny. Maybe I didn’t need to make that point because it was self-evident, but I feel the need to state the obvious just in case somebody read this post and thought that my omission of stating that the show was unfunny in some way implied that the show was funny. It is not. It is the opposite of funny. But it isn’t serious. If it were serious it would be dramatic, which it is not. Serious isn’t the opposite of funny. Painful isn’t even the opposite. If it’s possible to rape somebody with humor that’s what this show is. I watched all of episode 1 and struggled through part of Episode 2. But I couldn’t get all the way through. Keep in mind that each episode is about two and a half minutes long. For me to not be able to get through is really saying a lot, especially considering I watched three minutes of a guy doing donuts with his car on YouTube earlier today.

I hate having to identify a single worst part about this experience but if I have to, I will refer you to the “cast bios,” where you can learn even more about the characters on the show. For example, there’s Tiffany, the hot blonde who likes “boys, fruit ‘n yogurt parfait (dollar menu item) and exfoliants.” Lest you think McDonalds paints all blondes with the same thick brush, however, her bio states that she is “straight from her third tour as a HALO jumper for the special forces.”  Really?

Is there a Goth girl? You know it. Is there a gay guy? I don’t know, but Ben’s profile says his hobbies are “hair styles, advertising, fashions, and painting.” I especially like that “fashions” is pluralized. As much as they don’t want to stereotype blondes, they have no trouble doing it for gay guys.

But the best (worst) cast bio is for the black guy, Marcus. His favorite Dollar Menu item? McChicken. Is that fried? It is. In other words, the black guy’s favorite food is fried chicken. But again, lest you think McDonald’s is engaged in stereotyping, check out this quote from his bio:

“After graduating summa cum laude from Michigan University, Marcus landed a job at Deloitte & Touche and has been with the company ever since.” Get it? Black people are smart! Black people can get good jobs and keep them! Get it? Get it?

There is even more to explore on this website, like the “havin’ fun” button, which takes you to their ethnic page. On the left hand side is a bar with tabs that read “Myinspirasian,” “MeEncanta,” and my favorite, “365 Black.” If you think that one’s for people who are black 365 days a year, you are right. I clicked on it. It shows me a picture of a Baobab tree which contains the best quote I have ever, ever read, which I reprint in its entirety.

“I once heard a story…
‘Whatever blooms from the Baobab
Is given back to the earth, because the
Mighty tree never forgets its roots.’”
Like the mighty Baobab,
McDonald’s and I will not be moved.

Let me repeat that last couplet, because it’s brilliant – “Like the mighty Baobab, McDonald’s and I will not be moved.” Again - WHAT??? McDonald’s will not be moved? When did McDonald’s refuse to ride the buses in Montgomery? When did McDonald’s get hosed and attacked by dogs? I don’t remember Ronald McDonald standing next to Martin Luther King Jr. on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. What the fuck are they talking about? You’re McDonald’s. You are not a protest movement. You make Shamrock Shakes. You are not for social change. You are for Happy Meals. Shut the fuck up.

Anyway, enjoy the website. I know I did. It took up my entire day. 

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Comments

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Matt

Ben working at Wiener Cuts is my favorite part.

I wonder if gay/black/women are annoyed or offended by the stereotypes used here or if they just think it's hilarious.

Also, as Nick mentioned, how is juice a hobby?

I

Meg

Matt:

Juice is slang for steroids. Maybe she's really into body building.

stephanie

This has to be life changing

http://twitpic.com/15v1e

Sinclair

Goddammit I love you.

Robin Brunelle

This blog is amazing. This post was particularly awesome, but I am actually just talking about the blog as a whole. It is the best blog on the internet. Michael, you are hilarious. Thank you.

MICHAEL HEARTS ME BIT O HONEY

In reference to this:

"I once heard a story…
‘Whatever blooms from the Baobab
Is given back to the earth, because the
Mighty tree never forgets its roots.’”
Like the mighty Baobab,
McDonald’s and I will not be moved"

Moses (who we all know is a brotha because we have the same wooly hair) and I have this response to Ronald "the racist" McDonald and party.


STILL I RISE

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

casademccollem

Speaking of fast food online, how about Jack's accident over at www.hangintherejack.com? Utterly ridiculous, then again, so is the thought of William Hung, Jon & Kate Plus Eight, and Omarosa. Like a car wreck, one can't help but watch the disaster on the screen. That must be why Jack-In-The-Box ran over their founder and CEO!

Nicholas Quixote

That was funny! LOL at here's looking at you McGriddle

manobon

...wouldn't "Weiner Cuts" be more suggestive of, say, a feminazi? Or, post-op-transexual? If they wanted to suggest gay, it should be called, "WEINERS!!!"

Also, MIB, I Know this entry seems like a tough act to follow, but I believe in you, Michael- we All do! Get back on this!

Michelle

I have just wasted over an hour, and I would like to question Paul's hobby of "Competitive Carpet Sampling", and the fact that one of Tiffany's hobbies is "Juice".

...No wonder you wrote so much. I want to go complain to everyone that I know now.

Tory Burch Outlet

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.

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