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January 29, 2009

I’ve Been Drinking A Lot Lately

I have never been a drinker. Never liked drinking, never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, and probably didn’t have my first proper drink until I was well into my twenties. To this day, I don’t know that I’ve ever been drunk the way I understand being drunk to be: acting loopy, sloppy making out with strange girls and waking up somewhere you don’t recognize. When I drink I find that I just get kind of sleepy and a little nauseous. Which is not too different than the way I feel after taking a cross country flight. Or after huffing glue.

Tonight for example, I drank a chocolate martini during my show at Caroline’s. The way they make their chocolate martini is by combining vodka with Godiva banana chocolate liqueur; it’s like drinking Halloween. What’s odd about the chocolate martini at Caroline’s is that they have about a dozen different martinis on the menu. There’s the peachtini, the belatini, mandarintini, every kind of martini suffused with various flavors, which they then label with the awkward ‘tini suffix. Not one of them rolls off the tongue except for the one offering that would sound correct: the chocolatini. Do you know what they call the chocolatini? The chocolate martini. Idiots.

After that I had a glass of Shiraz. I have never enjoyed wine, and yet I find myself drinking more and more of it. I tell myself its for the age-reversing effects of resveratrol, but honestly it’s more for the psychic desperation. I keep thinking if I drink enough wine, my self-loathing will disappear. It hasn’t worked yet, but I suspect it’s because I’m not drinking enough. I figure I’ve just got to up my intake from a glass a day to seven. Lord knows that plenty of people before me have cured their problems through drinking. I’m just the next in a long line of success stories.

Part of the reason I’m drinking more is because my wife is a lush and I figure if I can keep up with her, she’ll love me more. This is the equation: drinking equals love. How that plays out remains to be seen, but I’m confident it will work. Of course as I write this, I’m bombed out of my mind and my wife is in a coma.  


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