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January 29, 2009

I’ve Been Drinking A Lot Lately

I have never been a drinker. Never liked drinking, never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, and probably didn’t have my first proper drink until I was well into my twenties. To this day, I don’t know that I’ve ever been drunk the way I understand being drunk to be: acting loopy, sloppy making out with strange girls and waking up somewhere you don’t recognize. When I drink I find that I just get kind of sleepy and a little nauseous. Which is not too different than the way I feel after taking a cross country flight. Or after huffing glue.

Tonight for example, I drank a chocolate martini during my show at Caroline’s. The way they make their chocolate martini is by combining vodka with Godiva banana chocolate liqueur; it’s like drinking Halloween. What’s odd about the chocolate martini at Caroline’s is that they have about a dozen different martinis on the menu. There’s the peachtini, the belatini, mandarintini, every kind of martini suffused with various flavors, which they then label with the awkward ‘tini suffix. Not one of them rolls off the tongue except for the one offering that would sound correct: the chocolatini. Do you know what they call the chocolatini? The chocolate martini. Idiots.

After that I had a glass of Shiraz. I have never enjoyed wine, and yet I find myself drinking more and more of it. I tell myself its for the age-reversing effects of resveratrol, but honestly it’s more for the psychic desperation. I keep thinking if I drink enough wine, my self-loathing will disappear. It hasn’t worked yet, but I suspect it’s because I’m not drinking enough. I figure I’ve just got to up my intake from a glass a day to seven. Lord knows that plenty of people before me have cured their problems through drinking. I’m just the next in a long line of success stories.

Part of the reason I’m drinking more is because my wife is a lush and I figure if I can keep up with her, she’ll love me more. This is the equation: drinking equals love. How that plays out remains to be seen, but I’m confident it will work. Of course as I write this, I’m bombed out of my mind and my wife is in a coma.  

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morgan

I've been drinking a lot lately, too. I have a case of boxes of wine.

Susanna

You were drinking DURING the show? My, I would have loved to have seen that! I am a non-drinker myself, but I sure do love Halloween, and if I could find a way to drink it, I certainly would.

Before you know it, we'll see you on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky. It airs on VH1, and we all know they already love you at that network! ;-)

Ryalye

You just helped me add to my list of drinks that taste like holidays! I now have two.

Halloween=chocolate martini
Christmas=redheaded slut

So thank you for that, and good luck with becoming an alcoholic. Perhaps I'll see you in the gutter.

jbj

Surprisingly, I think it's true that the family which drinks together, thinks together. However just choose, don't mix your booze!

Reptar

I think the next logical step is to write your next children's book whilst sipping on your sixth chocolatini (as you point out it should be called.)

I was going to suggest possible titles, but they're really all just some variation of acts of spousal abuse. Which is not funny, not funny at all. Except in the context of juvenile literature, and then it's hilarious, because kids think it's funny when people get hurt. Especially if the pain is comically illustrated and expressed in rhyme.

Michelle

Why not a mangotini like your character in Reaper?

stephanie

youre drinking a lot because you were in marquette, mi. it rubbs off on people. and was big love at carolines? he made my brother say N8gger once.

Jaime

>>>This is the equation: drinking equals love.

It is?! I've always been horrible at math. I think if you keep drinking desserts, it won't be an issue. Chocolate Cake kabobs and Peppermint Pinkos and Cherry Chugs, those are like fat-free gummi bears. There's no fat! You can eat all you want!

Same thing with dessert drinks. I just made up those dessert drinks, but I'll bet you could have as many of those dessert drinks as you want -- guilt free! They're desserts! Everyone loves desserts! Desserts aren't bad -- drink as many as you want! Then dream of chocolatini rivers and Peppermint Schnaps sticks and edible buttercups shots, and be happy as pie in your world of inebriated imagination without any serious repurcussions at all.

That's science.

Ken

Why don't you buy Girl Scout cookies?

Girl Scout cookie choices:

1) Thin mints - for those who like their mints thin. It's a wafer cookie

with chocolate and peppermint. It's mintastic!!!

2) Trefoils - these are big in London, and in France, and even in my

underpants!!! Haha, just kidding, they're not big in London. These are

shortbread cookies that are guaranteed to melt in your mouth. This

guarantee comes from the Girl Scout organization and in no way leaves me

responsible for any melting/non-melting, nor members of my family or

employees hitherto referred to as "poopheads".

3) Samoas - these are big in Samoa, mainly because the people there are

fairly small - tom thumb small, so actually all these cookies are big

there. It's vanilla cookie with caramel on top and bottom rolled in

toasted coconut and striped with chocolate. These cookies violate every rule I have and a

few I hadn't even thought of.

4) Do-si-dos - these will make you do a dance in a barn (the additives

are responsible for this reaction). these are big in Mexico, where they

pronounce it like doritos, only without the 'r' or 't', but with an extra 'd' and,

well, you get the idea. These are oatmeal cookies with peanut butter

creme in it.

5) Tagalongs - These are the BEST F*#*&$G COOKIES we sell!!!. This is

actually the Girl Scout slogan, which I'm trying my personal best to

have changed. These are peanut butter filled chocolate coated cookies.

Kinda like reeses peanut butter cups. These are big in Tagalongia,

naturally.

6) Sugar free chocolate chips - "All the taste, none of the sugar!!".

Why they feel compelled to yell at us I have no idea. They have real

chocolate chips, and they don't have sugar. (Sugar sold separately)

7) Dulce De Leche - "Inspired by the classic confections of Latin

America". Whether you're plotting to violently overthrow your government,

or carting your worthless money around in a wheelbarrow, or shopping for

a bikini that would give your father an immediate seizure, take a break

and eat these cookies that will take you back to wherever people who go

back to Latin America go to. Brown(?)cookie with caramel chips with stripes.

8) Lemon Chalet Cremes - You won't remain neutral with these Chalet-designed

cookies. You'll eat so many you'll feel compelled to wave a red flag with a

white cross on it. They're just like oreos but instead of a chocolate cookie

it's vanilla, and instead of white creme it's lemon creme with a hint

of cinnamon-ginger spice but hardly any hint of scary, posh, or sporty spice.

Camille

(posted this on the wrong blog earlier...looks like someone else has been drinking!)


Life imitates art! You were great in that "Girl Drink Drunk" skit! (okay,sorry...couldn't resist)
I bet it's adorable when you're all tipsy but I'd also wager that if it persists,Sho is gonna get tired of watching you trip over his cats and sitting on the scanner/printer/copier.
Cheers!

Posted by: Camille | January 30, 2009 at 11:35 AM

Camille

Ken is making my mouth water. And you can crush up the shortbread cookies to make a crust for yet ANOTHER dessert!

Jaime

me too -- hungry! Now just add "tini" to all of these, and it is truly harmless fun -- for charity! Par example, I want a Tagalongtini. A sludgy vodka-filled PB cookie drink. Will this now be the BEST F*#*&$G COOKIE I WILL EVER DRINK??!?!! Ponder. I think it will be.

hp

My self-loathing does dissipate after enough glasses of red wine. Unfortunately, I also start really, REALLY liking Starship. And I wake up in a pool of vomit with "We Built This City" on loop on my ipod the next morning, and that self-loathing just comes right back again.

jenny

i had to type my emaild liike 5 times. becaseue i too am drunmk.

i hope you're drunk for betre reasons than me. :D

Reen

Moderation is the key to successful drinking. It's key to everything in life, actually.

If you're serious about wanting a fun buzz that will make you want to make love to yourself, might I suggest a mixed drink with a clear alcohol like a GOOD gin or vodka? Don't mix them with a diet drink (sugar will help your electrolytes stay in balance) or orange or grapefruit juice (the acid will rip your tummy lining up).

Zero hangover is my personal guarantee IF you ALSO eat a beef bologna and mayo sandwich before brushing your teeth and hitting the bed (or that young strange girl). The sodium in that bologna balances your electrolytes, the bread sponges up any alcohol residue still floating around, and the mayo is just plain necessary for a good sandwich. For variety add cheese and lettuce!

You'll wake up headache free, refreshed, and loving yourself more than you ever have loved yourself before. You may just want to drink like that every single night of your life, but instead, refrain and remember: moderation.

You're welcome.

Jaime

hahaha! Thanks for the tips Reen. Could have used this sage advice last night when my gal pal and I polished off a bottle of wine and followed with some Smirnoff. Things got messy, haha.

I need bologna so I can get caught up on my emails already! ;p

Reen

You're welcome Jaime.

Well there are few pleasures more appealing to me than sharing a good bottle of wine with a friend. I hope your evening consisted of sharing secrets and laughing until your cheeks hurt.

Then after the Smirnoff took over, I hope you two experimented with each others budding breasts and "tingly down there" feelings.

Jaime

HA! How EVER did you KNOW!!? Tingle tingle.

Thanks Renee! I really needed a good laugh today, and you just made me laugh so hard, I could only support the weight of my jolly lolly head with my desk. i.e. My forehead was on my desk as i helplessly giggled myself into a fit. DAMN that felt GOOD!

Thanks :) Renee -- YOU give me tingly down there feelings, heeheeheehee!

Camille

You're self-loathing will never disappear...and that's why we like you so much! Ironic,isn't it? (it is,right?)
Anyway, when I was posing with Gaffigan for a pic he asked if I was going to post it on Flickr and I said, "sure,of course". Then he said, "well, I'm no Michael Ian Black."
So there!

Camille

wow....yes, I noticed my typo. Eek. I hate it when people mix up "your" and "you're". Isn't THAT ironic?

Reen que sera sera

Gaffigan is super jealous of how much Camille digs you Michael. Known fact.

I'm surprised Camille *does* like you more. Gaff would never wreck a picture the way you did. Why you totally wrecked that professional looking picture she took of you when you "autographed" it by circling and labelling a zit on your face. Wait. You drew in hair. Shit. I can't remember. It was something defacing though, it was something. That's when Gaff should have swept in and secured Camilles love. But nooooooooo, he was too busy being pale.

Camille

Yes,he defaced it,but not so much that you can't see who it is. Soon it will be framed and sitting proudly on my wall-o-fame ledge in my office for everyone(me and my cats) to see.
Hey,and I never said I like Black more! hehe

Reen

Cam, hush yo fibbin' Missourian mouth!

And now for something completely different - Michael on MSNBC:

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/countdown-rudderless-gop-turns-to-joe/1536285811/?icid=VIDLRVNWS01

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jerry

I see you were drinking on MSNBC last evening. The former Governor of Illinois was referring to STATE senators not U.S. Senators..... lots more than two of those guys. Might be time for you to go on the wagon.

Melgarina

Yeah, I don't know what all the hype is about wine. Do you find yourself in social situations where people are trying to loosen you up by buying you drinks? I have, except the result is that I get sleepy and sit down and stop talking to people. Maybe even decide to go home. Why can't there be a new trend is substance socializing? Not cigarettes which will harm your lungs and teeth and voice. Not alcohol that will put you and I to sleep. What about tea and coffee? And what happened to all those oxygen bars. I never even got to try one out.

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