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December 18, 2008

Hey Facebook, What the Fuck?

Over the past day or so, I have received many emails from alarmed friends and colleagues alerting me to the fact that my Facebook account has been disabled by an administrator. To which I say: what the fuck?

Picture 1

How am I supposed to maintain my vast terrorist network without this social networking site?

While it’s true that I never poke, nor poke back, I think I’ve been a loyal and true Facebook friend. I always accept friendship requests, right up to the bullshit 5,000 friend limit. Facebook, is it my fault that more than 5,000 people want to feel my love? No, it is not. It is the fault of my genetically superior brain and startling good looks. If you’re going to start discriminating against gorgeous geniuses, then I don’t even know what.

How am I supposed to receive invitations to events to which I have no interest in attending? How am I supposed to keep up with what various high school students I have never met are doing? How am I supposed to install and then uninstall various applications because they are annoying? Facebook, don’t you realize that these activities take up most of my waking hours?

I feel like I did that time in North Carolina when I got thrown out of the frat party for “acting weird.” Yes, I was acting weird but that was only to mask my own insecurities. It probably didn’t help that I was the only thirty seven year old man there, but regardless, Facebook are you punishing me for my insecurities? If so, you need to take a good, long look in the mirror because I suspect you are getting pretty insecure yourself. After all, my valuation hasn’t tumbled 75% in recent months.

Neither of us generate as much advertising revenue as we would like, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t create your shitty business model. All I did was write a scathing article about it in the Wall Street Journal, which I then reprinted and left under people’s windshields at the mall. Don’t kill the messenger, Facebook!

So now I have to contact you. Which I am confident is going to be neither easy nor pleasant. Contacting an internet company is only slightly easier than contacting an alien civilization. But I am going to try, Facebook, because I don’t want it to end like this for us. We’ve been through so much together. Like the time I played that game of Scramble. Or the time you tagged that photo of me. We can get through this. And we will. But until we do, go fuck yourself, you fucking worthless piece of shit.


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Yes!! How are you going to be able to see the new photos I posted of my daughter's ice skating party, or know that I'm feeling particularly "psyched about eating all that peanut butter on my chocolate bar" on such and such day. Bummer!!!
Interestingly enough, it was my SF friend Joni that alerted me to your absence from my friendlist on Facebook this morning, wanting to know if I had defriended you! And you thought she didn't care... (Now I'm left wondering why she is examining my friendlist daily...)
Good luck dealing with the authorities. Next time, try not to be so damn popular. Or maybe you should've poked the right people a bit more.


Oh God, I'm wiping my eyes. So funny, Michael.

I was speculating this: first myspace, then facebook, then myspace again, then your website, then retreating to a cave in Iraq. Glad to see that it's not the case. I was also tempted to send you a little stuffed teddy holding a flower and a heart shaped sign that states: "Do you need a hug?" I was totally prepared to make that purchase and send it...well...I don't know - but somewhere you can get it, that crepe restaurant.

I do not have a facebook. I hate the facebook. It reminded me each of the 2 days I had it that I'm too fucking old for facebook. The home page and wall were squishy looking and hard to read without "reading glasses". It was a stalkers dream and a stalkees nightmare. (I will not tell you which side of that equation I was on. Hint: you were my only friend on there).

Either way I echo your sentiments - GO FUCK YOURSELF FACEBOOK!

I hope the Asians are treating you well in Canada as you film "Reaper". I also hope you and Ken are sharing chocolate beers, with one straw.


I feel your pain, bra. Facebook is a total douche, but I didn't even know you had one. After reading this I've realized that facebook is a dick, so I'll be closing my account now. Thanks Mr. Black.


HAHAHAHA!!! that g*ddamn site! the chat thing really pisses me off too! it only works half the time. and those applications...what are you supposed to do when you get a message saying, "Kyle rated your attractiveness level versus Kelly. See what he said by adding the Rate People You Know Application!" ....who the hell does that?? awful people. but do i still want to know what I rated? Fuck yes I do!

I hope you get your account working again. I enjoy seeing the update that tells me you added yet another person as your friend. As if you were a real facebook person. Even though I know you're not.



So Facebook only allows 5,000? That's a crock. But until your fine ass hauled over to their sty, the term 'gorgeous genius' had likely never entered the stratosphere of retarded fug that surrounds that particular seventh circle of internet hell.

Myspace still loves you, so why not swing by and fondle it more often.


Now this is fun.


>>....who the hell does that?? awful people. but do i still want to know what I rated? Fuck yes I do!

Hahaha! Nice Jenny.

And I have nothing to add to your post MIB because I don't like the Facebook. And when I saw you had the Facebook, I was like, "Damnit, do I have to use that Facebook acct I created 6 months ago and never use? Do I have to go ahead and start double using the Facebook AND the MySpace?? Geez. Well, just how insanely do I love MIB? Mildly insanely, Medium insanely, or Hot insanely?? How spicey is my devotion?"

Those were tough questions . . . that I can now easily sidestep and repress. Yippee! Keep on keeping on.


I'm a college student now Michael! Don't get me confused with those pesky high schoolers. And I'm sorry I invited you to the Ugly Sweater Holiday Party, I'll never do it again.


I don't know, Michael. I think you could be spending your time doing much more important things... Like baking a cake, or going to the store and buying a cake, or forcing your kids to bake you a cake (for the holidays, of course). They all work.

Facebook won't give you a cake. Think about it.


That site is way too ADHD,even for me.
I'm going to go try and figure out your password, read a section of the newspaper,go through only one of my kids' backpacks and then go look for the newspaper. Again.


Now you're just going to have to email all of those nude photos of yourself directly to friends and family, which is more time consuming.


Thanks for explaining your sudden disappearance from Facebook. I was worried sick that it might be because I threw a snowball at you (not true)!


Hey MIB, Meg Cabot, YA author, recommended your book on her site. She gave you a very nice compliment. I love your book, and read your blog, so I thought you'd like to know that a widely read author enjoys your work. Here's the link, www.megcabot.com/diary.
Thanks for writing!


did they ever give you a legit reason Michael?


p.s. paul rudd is not hotter than you.


Paul Rudd is kinda hotter than you. Not to me. To ladies.

Larry Rubin

No one wanted your damn rolex watches, viagra, or male enhancers anyway.

You got what you deserved. Take your medicine. Spammer.

Maggie Utgoff

you should use twitter. I would love to follow your updates. You have such great one-liners!


No offense, but "social networking" is for people who do not have real lives.

MIB, you have the success of the DVD to anticipate savoring. Fuck facebook. It's a bigger waste of time than the internet poker. And way less fun than the internet porn.

Douglas Karr

I can't believe I was just insulted by someone named after the red crap they put in a Shirley Temple drink.


I didn't realize Facebook had a 5000 friend limit. I'm at 141 and I've been on for about a year. My college friend joined January first and she has 146. She's a slut.
Anyway, I had "friended" you on there, but I decided that I would have no celebrity friends on Facebook. That's what MySpace is for...you, Billy Mumy from Lost in Space, Robby Rist from the Brady Bunch...and pretty much the whole cast of the Office. Anyway, my deleting of you must've freed up a space for another fan.
You're welcome, said fan.


Yoh dude the same thing happened to me. You know who would have thought to such an innocent one. I never do anything wrong. Hell. Oh well. Yeah screw it. Ive tried emailing them a million and one times to no avail.


screw those dorks. let's all go back to friendster.


Ha! Someone else is having the same pains you did re Facebook... but your posting was better!!!


I found out today, that I have had my account disabled. The only thing more ridiculous than it being disabled is the reason why. I posted on my friends wall. No innapropriate messages or content mind you, just a talk with a friend. NOTHING in their TOS says I can't talk to my friends, NOTHING in their TOS says I can't post on my friends walls. I have yet to receive anything close to an intelligent reason as to why I can't post on my friends walls. All I get is, "you post too fast." Well, what are the limits or rates at which we are allowed to post I ask, "Well, we can't tell you that, but you exceeded it." What kind of policy is this exactly? They can't expect people to abide by the usage rules, when they refuse to make those rules available.


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