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December 30, 2008

Happy New Year, Everybody

As 2008 mercifully ends, I think we can all agree that it was one shitty year. Any year in which Paul Newman dies is, by definition, a bad year. With the exception of Barack Obama being elected president, I’m hard pressed to think of any “feel good” news stories. Maybe the fact that less people are getting killed in Iraq? Although I don’t know that “less people being killed” qualifies as good news. No, it was a year filled with terrible, terrible news stories – one worse than the next. Our country is officially in the shitter, metaphorically represented by the billion gallons of coal sludge which poured into two Tennessee rivers as the year closed. But for all the horrible news from 2008, at least 2009 will probably be worse. In fact, we may look back on 2008 and go, “I don’t know what everybody was bitching about. That was a walk in the park compared to 2009!”

On the other hand, I just saw “Kung Fu Panda” for the first time and I have to say, I think it should be a serious contender for “Best Picture of the Year.” "Wall-E" may have had the critics all a-twitter for its trite anti-consumerist message, but “Kung Fu Panda” was the superior movie in every respect. It looked better, was more entertaining, was a hell of a lot funnier, and left me feeling considerably more optimistic about humanity. Chances that “Wall-E” will be nominated for Best Picture? Fifty-fifty. “Kung Fu Panda?” Zero.

Just a couple other things to feel good about as this crummy year draws to a close:

Bratz-um08 • Bratz dolls are off the shelves. If you don’t know what Bratz dolls are, you either don’t have children, or you're not into kiddy porn. The reason they are off the shelves? Not because they encourage the sexualization of five-year-olds but because of copyright infringement. That’s fine with me – after all, they put Al Capone away for tax evasion.

• The Southwest Salad at McDonalds. I am a big fan of McDonalds. I think they have pretty much cornered the market on deliciousness. But, I think it’s fair to say that their food isn’t necessarily over-healthed. When I am there, I like to get the Chicken Selects Meal, which is basically like pouring out a salt shaker onto a tray. From time to time, out of guilt, I try to find a healthier option. Well, not only is the Southwest Salad healthier, it’s also fan-fucking-tastic. I got one the other night, and I talked about how good it was so much that my wife finally told me to shut up. That’s how good it was.

The Anthropic Principle. Although this isn’t anything new, it’s new to me. Basically the Anthropic Principle states that our universe has too many life-supporting coincidences to be explained mathematically, leaving theorists with two possible conclusions: either our universe is part of an infinite “multiverse,” or there is a God. Either conclusion is awesome. I have always wanted to believe in God. The Anthropic Principle has given me an in.

• This kid playing “Guitar Hero.”

•  I no longer have to choose between “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia.” They’ve both been canceled.

• AC/DC released a new album, which I have not heard and do not care about. What I do care about, however, is the fact that Angus Young is still wearing the schoolboy uniform, even though he’s a hundred. Something about this pleases me like nothing else in music. Please let him be buried in it when he dies.


Kitty cats!!!!

Ernest Borgnine.

Peace, love, and all that jazz in 2009.


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Ambrose, your expanded description on my earlier visual is haunting me now. I hope you are happy.

Cammie, you lie my darling. You are wise, loving, funny, and beautiful - inside and out.

While I'm on the love train:

Jaime, I aplogize in advance if this frightens you, but, the fact that you are intelligent, married, a Mom, love God (but not in a creepy "Here have this pamphlet. Don't forget your flower!" kind of way) AND play Rock Band makes you my kind of person.
(Plus you have incredible taste in hot comedians).


Did I see you in Edina, MN Michael Ian Black? Running around with one of your kids? I stared at you trying to remember where I knew you from, and then it hit me, that guy from that comedy show on MTV like 10 years ago.


Happy New Year!

May 2009 not suck. Amen.


Oh my Lord, I think I might just faint from the love! My delicate southern brain just can't take it! Though, I will admit, the love train is the kind of train I shall never ever disembark -- I feel like the Love Train is probably funky and cool, like Soul Train. Maybe with a disco ball . . . and velour. Shall we shimmy down the line and give hugs and high fives? Always Reen. Always!!


I too am thrilled about the Bratz demise. I trained my daughter to say "those dolls wear too much makeup" from an early age. And there was nary a one to be found in Toys R Us in Times Square just after New Year's. So either all the revelers bought them for some sick prank, or they got the boot early. YAY!

Eric Brucia

I'm going to start masturbating a lot more in this new year!
2008 was great to masturbate
But 2009 will be benign.

Guitar hero dudes sick.
Sucks when he gets arthritis. It's actually Tom from myspace.

Miles 5000

Dear Micheal,

First off, i'd like to say, Stella in Berkeley was great. I didn't stay to get your autograph.. not because it wasn't important to me... but i was afraid you'd give me money.... and i saw what happens when you give money to people.

But more importantly, the southwest salad completely sucks. I had erased this atrocious fresh pile of bile from my mind completely..... until you just reminded me of ....... it!

As a matter of fact..... i blogged on this subject matter a year and a half ago......

sorry to post my blog on your blog.... i just want people to hear both sides of the story.......

update to volume two..... Miles Vs. the southwest salad

so i decided upon the southwest grilled chicken salad at Mcd's. I am very disappointed... however i was starving... so i am eating it. When i opened it up, not knowing what to expect, i thought to myself... "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS"!! It appeared to be a salad covered in fritos. I took a bite, they're really crappy slightly spicy fritos. After digging a little deeper i found a few beans and corn kernels. At this.... i was slightly relieved. Then....... the mysterious southwest dressing..... what could it possibly be? Orange ranch? Well, on a slightly okay note.... it's not the 2nd most disgusting substance (next to thousand island) on earth. it's a tangy creamy concoction which isn't completely horrible.

All in all, here's the deal...... salad...... not that great. i do enjoy the crunch of the shitty fritos but the taste of the shitty fritos is in fact, dare i say, shitty. and i changed my mind...... i hate the dressing too. If you're worried about eating healthy at mcdonald's.... don't bother. Get a double quarter pounder with cheese extra value meal and supersize that son of a bitch. You're at FUCKING MCDONALDS for christ's sake. Live it up! I could have made a better salad out of bread!!!!!!! (see panzanella: italian bread salad). or rocks!!!! ( see the flinstones).

Miles' makeshift ideal southwest salad.......

Greens... iceburg/romaine lettuce.... whatever they use in mexico
keep the black beans and corn. I can dig that.
Maybe some shredded pepperjack. or even cheddar.
lime juice
maybe some carrot or cilantro

annnnnnnnd..... oh hell add some tortilla strips or regular fritos...

For a dressing..... maybe..... an avocado vinagarette with little chunks of avacado.

You don't have to use all these things. Mix and match. Just don't go to McD's.

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