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December 30, 2008

Happy New Year, Everybody

As 2008 mercifully ends, I think we can all agree that it was one shitty year. Any year in which Paul Newman dies is, by definition, a bad year. With the exception of Barack Obama being elected president, I’m hard pressed to think of any “feel good” news stories. Maybe the fact that less people are getting killed in Iraq? Although I don’t know that “less people being killed” qualifies as good news. No, it was a year filled with terrible, terrible news stories – one worse than the next. Our country is officially in the shitter, metaphorically represented by the billion gallons of coal sludge which poured into two Tennessee rivers as the year closed. But for all the horrible news from 2008, at least 2009 will probably be worse. In fact, we may look back on 2008 and go, “I don’t know what everybody was bitching about. That was a walk in the park compared to 2009!”

On the other hand, I just saw “Kung Fu Panda” for the first time and I have to say, I think it should be a serious contender for “Best Picture of the Year.” "Wall-E" may have had the critics all a-twitter for its trite anti-consumerist message, but “Kung Fu Panda” was the superior movie in every respect. It looked better, was more entertaining, was a hell of a lot funnier, and left me feeling considerably more optimistic about humanity. Chances that “Wall-E” will be nominated for Best Picture? Fifty-fifty. “Kung Fu Panda?” Zero.

Just a couple other things to feel good about as this crummy year draws to a close:

Bratz-um08 • Bratz dolls are off the shelves. If you don’t know what Bratz dolls are, you either don’t have children, or you're not into kiddy porn. The reason they are off the shelves? Not because they encourage the sexualization of five-year-olds but because of copyright infringement. That’s fine with me – after all, they put Al Capone away for tax evasion.

• The Southwest Salad at McDonalds. I am a big fan of McDonalds. I think they have pretty much cornered the market on deliciousness. But, I think it’s fair to say that their food isn’t necessarily over-healthed. When I am there, I like to get the Chicken Selects Meal, which is basically like pouring out a salt shaker onto a tray. From time to time, out of guilt, I try to find a healthier option. Well, not only is the Southwest Salad healthier, it’s also fan-fucking-tastic. I got one the other night, and I talked about how good it was so much that my wife finally told me to shut up. That’s how good it was.

The Anthropic Principle. Although this isn’t anything new, it’s new to me. Basically the Anthropic Principle states that our universe has too many life-supporting coincidences to be explained mathematically, leaving theorists with two possible conclusions: either our universe is part of an infinite “multiverse,” or there is a God. Either conclusion is awesome. I have always wanted to believe in God. The Anthropic Principle has given me an in.

• This kid playing “Guitar Hero.”

•  I no longer have to choose between “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia.” They’ve both been canceled.

• AC/DC released a new album, which I have not heard and do not care about. What I do care about, however, is the fact that Angus Young is still wearing the schoolboy uniform, even though he’s a hundred. Something about this pleases me like nothing else in music. Please let him be buried in it when he dies.


Kitty cats!!!!

Ernest Borgnine.

Peace, love, and all that jazz in 2009.


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The only person cooler than Ernest Borgnine is you.


"I have always wanted to believe in God. The Anthropic Principle has given me an in."

Well put.


You always look on the bright side.

Stacey E

Am I missing something with the Guitar Hero? All I hear is a prepubescent boy making slapping noises. And you know what that usually means. Funny how you could refer to both activities as "jerking off". If a kid really wants to play an instrument, pick up a damned guitar or tuba, and stop with all the nonsense.


I would only call it a bad year if I didn't see old men wearing school boy uniforms and talking about masturbating, but I've seen both. Bless you 2008, you've been good to me.


I always knew wanking was the key to eternal life. Happy new Year to you too. I hope it doesn't suck for any of us.


i received your book "chicken cheeks" in the mail this morning from amazon. i managed to read it in 4 minutes which would be a world record if i wasn't 21 years old and it was not a book aimed for children

have a happy new year michael and i can't wait till the new show is on comedy central. stay famous


I'm sure glad they discontinued Bratz dolls. They were ugly and dressed like whores. Long live Barbie! Kitty cats always make me feel good. yay!

The best thing about 2008 for baseball fans here in Wisconsin is the Brewers made it to the play-offs for the first time in 26 years. WOOHOO!

All the best in 2009 and this will be a kick ass year!


*Boy, do I concur with the whole fish lipped, overly made up Bratz doll thing. Barbies are okay but her clothes are still pretty body-hugging due to her ba-donka-donk.
*Those lil crispy strips are what make that salad.
*There's hope for you yet,you little heathen!
*meh...didn't watch those anyway
*the one new song I've heard from AC/DC made me wonder if I was listening to the classic rock station...cause it sounded just like their old songs
*awww...widdle kitty cats...what's not to love?
* Ernest will now be known for that whispered confession forever and ever...

I'm surprised you didn't include the Taco Dorito comeback or Beyonce's(Sasha Fierce)new album!


I'm actually sad about the Bratz dolls being pulled. I don't have them all yet.


Wow. Bratz have been pulled? That's the best news I've heard, well, today, I guess. Having had worked at a party store for four years, I'm glad that children will no longer be getting that pattern for their birthdays. Ugh.

But yeah. I agree. 2008 was crap. But I hope we can look back and say it was better than 2009, like you said.

We'll see. We'll see. Happy New Year!


I very much agree with you that 2008 was a total shitstorm and that Wall-E was a terrible, awful movie*.

I disagree with you about equating McDonald's food with deliciousness. For me, McDonald's = gastric distress.

Happy New Year!

*not your exact words


While I do not play Guitar Hero myself, I have to admit that kid was a little bit impressive. Neat.

Bratz dolls--oh finally! Those things really give, oh excuse me, gave me the creeps.

And, I hate to be *this* person, but, with the exception of the final month of the year this has been a pretty good year to me. And come on--I finally met Stella this year! What's not to love??

Have a wonderful New Year, Michael. Thank you. :)


With my full belly and happy heart from spending so much time with great friends and loving family, I can only say that I am mostly pleased with the past year. Getting to see you perform, Michael, several times this year, I think, was a real treat. Reading this very funny blog keeps me content and it is quite entertaining to see the bubbly comments from the always cheerful Renee, Jaime, Camille and Jenny, so thank you, ladies, for being so upbeat and silly. I could do without the meanies, but there will always be nuts who want to sound off and thankfully, they usually don't stick around.
Michael, I wish you great success and good fortune in the new year, you certainly deserve it.


2009 will be better if just for the fact that Transporter 3 will be released on DVD. Playing the Jason Statham striptease scene over and over will surely lengthen my lifespan...


Aw thanks Zane, so nice to be called bubbly considering I'm an inhabitant of one.

Thanks for the clever and funny recap, Michael. I agree, our planet will miss Paul. But Barack is so good he'll make crinkly binky toes straighten. So what I'm saying is: shoes will generally fit better because of Barack.

No clue what either of those kinky movies or porno tv shows are about. I avoid cartoons (they give me the seizures) and fancy ladies on tv (they give me the losers).

So AC/DC has a new album that I will not purchase. Angus STILL in that uniform is the best thing I've seen in ages. It's funny, it's sad - but obviously for him, was not a "fad". (Rhyme)

Kitty's are cute until they shed.

Ernest caught in a most earnest moment. Bless his little old heart. I like to imagine his arthritic hand tirelessly working that noodly penis, don't you?

The Anthropic Principle ushered in a whirlwind of googling, reading, digesting, further investigating, and dammit, all the while I was suppose to be straightening my closet. (Not a euphemism)

You are a stinker. But perhaps not an agnostic stinker anymore. ? It's always hard to tell when you're not bs'ing us, but I'm going to pretend you're not. Reason being: the idea of you believing in God makes my heart grow the size of the Grinches (when he has that really cool moment up on the grassy knoll after he decides not to shoot the president). God is my all time favorite.

Happy New Year Michael, you shining star!



Anurag Dikshit, now there's a name.


Thanks,Zane, but I'm just a lil dumbass who doesn't think before speaking/typing!


Hi Michael -

Happy New Year!

When will your comedy schedule be posted for 2009? I see you're doing a broadway show in Jan but afterwards - will you be doing comedy out and about? Will your schedule be posted soon?



Happy New Year friend.


Noodly penis?! Awjesusfuck Reen, I was gonna post something all sweet and life-affirming, but now all I can see is BORG-9 hunched over and rhythmically exhaling in angry, jagged bursts and masturbating furiously, eyes glazed red with hatred at his broken-down old wang.

Oh well. So am I.

Happy New Year, everyone.


Aww Zane, you made me all misty and such. Let's make out. Happy New Year!


Also, my husband and I played Rock Band until 3 in the morning for New Year's Eve (which is also our anniversary), that's how much (sadly) we love it, so I at once fully appreciate this endless kid Guitar Hero video while simultaneously envying that kid's flawless orange button pushing. Sort of to the point that I want to kill that kid. With hugs of course.

Bratz are an endorsement of everything that movie 13 (and every girl at my junior high) warned us about. Yay for no Bratz!

I also prefer Kung-Fu Panda (sorry Reptar), mostly because the word "skadoosh" really amuses me :) As do the constant references to awesomeness. Plus, I like to use my belly for the forces of good (as Po does) not bad (as the fatties in Wall-E do). Kung-Fu Panda gives me hope for that.

Also, seriously, I have never understood the evangelical rejection of the Big Bang theory. Why couldn't God be responsible for the Big Bang? Just because Science explains something with a principle or natural law doesn't exclude the possibility that a higher being is responsible for putting that law or principle in motion. Why Science and God are so separate when both are so amazing confounds me. The Anthropic Principle gives me hope too. God is also my favorite.

Thank you Michael for a list of tickles. You are Kung-Fu Michael -- I love that there is no charge for your awesomeness or attractiveness. I think will go blind now from over-exposure to your pure awesomeness. Happy New Year!!


oh, michael, good news.

lipstick jungle returns tonight. 2009 is already better than you hoped.

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