Fuck You, Midwest
Let me preface this post by saying that the people in the Midwest are kind, open-hearted, and lovely to be around. Traveling with Stella, I have met nothing but the best people here in the Midwest. That being said, I have been for four days, a total of ninety-six hours, and I have been freezing cold each of those hours. Since arriving in Minneapolis on Wednesday, my entire body has basically been numb from cold. It’s been awful. Today we drove in snow from Chicago to Ann Arbor, MI. Each time we stopped, the first word out of my mouth was, “Fuck!” because when the temperature is negative fifty thousand, that’s pretty much all you can say.
It’s really cold here. Uncomfortably cold. And windy. And slushy. And awful. Why do these people choose to live here? For the natural splendor? There is no natural splendor. There is only the cold.
Even as I write this, from under the covers of my bed in my five star room at the Holiday Inn, I am cold. My legs, which are specifically covered in hair to protect me from this exact situation, are cold. My feet, despite being swaddled in the finest socks available at The Gap, are cold and still feel wet even though I know they are not. They only feel that way to me because for ninety of the last ninety-six hours they have been wet, and I think they now cannot remember a time when they were not wet. It’s like when you lose a limb and still feel it. That’s called a phantom limb. I have phantom cold.
The people here take pride, of course, in the cold. They stand around outside in shirt sleeves and pretend they are not dying from hypothermia. Because to admit they are cold would be to admit that they have chosen to live in the worst fucking place on earth. It’s not like living in the Alps or something where you can make a legitimate case that it’s beautiful and there’s lots to do like bobsledding. Because it’s not beautiful and there’s no bobsledding. There’s nothing to do here at all. Which is probably why so many people have been coming to see us. I suspect a lot of those people aren’t even interested in seeing comedy, they just want to be somewhere where they know they are going to be a lot of other bodies gathered. Maybe they think if enough people huddle together and laugh, it will warm them up. Not that anybody admits they’re cold.
So fuck you, Midwest. Your people are terrific but your climate can burn in hell. Although the fires of hell would be a distinct improvement because at least they would be warm.