Fuck You, Midwest

Let me preface this post by saying that the people in the Midwest are kind, open-hearted, and lovely to be around. Traveling with Stella, I have met nothing but the best people here in the Midwest. That being said, I have been for four days, a total of ninety-six hours, and I have been freezing cold each of those hours. Since arriving in Minneapolis on Wednesday, my entire body has basically been numb from cold. It’s been awful. Today we drove in snow from Chicago to Ann Arbor, MI. Each time we stopped, the first word out of my mouth was, “Fuck!” because when the temperature is negative fifty thousand, that’s pretty much all you can say.

It’s really cold here. Uncomfortably cold. And windy. And slushy. And awful. Why do these people choose to live here? For the natural splendor? There is no natural splendor. There is only the cold.

Even as I write this, from under the covers of my bed in my five star room at the Holiday Inn, I am cold. My legs, which are specifically covered in hair to protect me from this exact situation, are cold. My feet, despite being swaddled in the finest socks available at The Gap, are cold and still feel wet even though I know they are not. They only feel that way to me because for ninety of the last ninety-six hours they have been wet, and I think they now cannot remember a time when they were not wet. It’s like when you lose a limb and still feel it. That’s called a phantom limb. I have phantom cold.

The people here take pride, of course, in the cold. They stand around outside in shirt sleeves and pretend they are not dying from hypothermia. Because to admit they are cold would be to admit that they have chosen to live in the worst fucking place on earth. It’s not like living in the Alps or something where you can make a legitimate case that it’s beautiful and there’s lots to do like bobsledding. Because it’s not beautiful and there’s no bobsledding. There’s nothing to do here at all. Which is probably why so many people have been coming to see us. I suspect a lot of those people aren’t even interested in seeing comedy, they just want to be somewhere where they know they are going to be a lot of other bodies gathered. Maybe they think if enough people huddle together and laugh, it will warm them up. Not that anybody admits they’re cold.

So fuck you, Midwest. Your people are terrific but your climate can burn in hell. Although the fires of hell would be a distinct improvement because at least they would be warm.

Comments

[Kris]

TELL ME ABOUT IT! I decided today that I'm moving from the midwest because the temperature is so damn cold. And also, my friend backed out on coming to see Stella because she was scared of the roads.

Poppycock I say. Life is about taking risks and if winding up in a ditch to see a comedy show is what it takes, I'm all for it. (For the record, I also went to see Demetri Martin outside. While a tornado was nearby. Apparently mother nature hates comedy.)

So, I hope the show went well! Needless to say I was very upset that I missed it. Because I was so excited you guys were going to be here.

That was more info than you ever cared to know about.

[Susanna]

On behalf of Illinois, I sincerely apologize for making you feel cold, wet and generally miserable for at least 1 of the 4 days. I can't vouch for the rest of the Midwest, though. You'll have to take up a complaint with the Midwest Weather Management Department (however, they office will most likely be closed due to inclement weather).

[Susanna]

I meant to write "their" office, not they. The cold has frozen my brain!!

[Charlie]

I live in the Minnesota and it rules... My ranking of you went down because of this post... I'm sorry... It gets much colder than this also

[Charlie]

man up

[Stephanie]

Hey man! Fuck you man! You are not a unique snowflake! Man!

[Melissa]

You have no idea how excited I am to see you at HOB Cleveland tonight.

[Reptar]

Hahaha, just NOW figuring this out about the Midwest? Try being born and raised in Indiana. I'll still love it when I'm famous, but I'm moving somewhere warm after my first million.

[Dayna]

It hasn't even gotten cold here yet. Come back in February.

[Reen]

Your portrayal of the fucky Midwest is accurate. We are, (for the most part), a kind and hearty bunch.

We live here, amongst the ice and snow, because our ancestors felt that except for the beautiful scenery, the Midwest is similar to their homeland. Which simply means they are sadistic bastards.

Now. YOU? A New Englander? You speak, like a Floridian.

Why hasn't your blood thinned by now? Or thickened? Or whatever happens to our blood when we are not used to the cold and our blood needs to like do something to adjust? Has that not happened to you? Is this because you are a celebrity and have people to do that *for* you? Is it because you are a slender man? Is it because you take weird medications? Do you just need a nice thick cardigan?

On a less curious note, I share your penchant for wearing socks to bed. That is hot. (And necessary).

[Tee]

I'd knit you a cardigan and maybe some socks, but I'm about to start knitting a uterus. (True fact).

[alicia]

Please don't taunt the weather! Some of us will have to keep dealing with its shitty 'tude after you leave.

BTW, your Chicago show was worth losing a couple fingers to frostbite.

[Jenna]

Thank you Michael.
As a Brooklynite going to college in Ann Arbor I can corroborate every single sentiment in your blog post.
I'm going to have to use the warmth of my memories of your show last night to keep me alive for the next semester of pain that I will have to endure in this lame ass "state" (c'mon, it's too close to canada to be without suspicion).
Take me home already! And send money.
Thanks.

[ChloeJ82]

Renee:

As you know, I am a New Englander. And yet I empathize with 100% of this blog. I was born in Chicago and have lived in Boston ever since, and yet every Winter it's like being punched square in the face.

Hate it hate it hate it. And love Michael for hating it, too.

[Chelsea]

It's colder in Marquette - guaranteed!

[Zane]

Can you tell me again why it is so horrible and lame to live on the west coast? I will listen attentively to whatever you might be able to come up with (from my lounge chair by the pool as I sip my fruity drink).

Also, glad to hear that those cute gap socks of yours are making the rounds again. Tell them I said hello.

[Reen]

Chloe, ok, ok, whatever - way to let me down.

Work with me here - we *may* be colder - but you guys get dumped with more snow on a regular basis. LOTS more snow.

We just have more ice. And Ice Princesses. Like me.

[Reen]

Chloe, ok, ok, whatever - way to let me down.

Work with me here - we *may* be colder - but you guys get dumped with more snow on a regular basis. LOTS more snow.

We just have more ice. And Ice Princesses. Like me.

[Ethereal Zoe]

Hey, you know a place you could perform where it's not that cold? South Carolina. You know the place. Home of pickled pigs' feet, slavery, rebel flags, dumb teen beauty queens, Strom Thurmond, and Pitchfork Ben Tillman. Oh, and also Aziz Ansari. He's from here too.

Check it out, sometime, huh? And bring Sho.

Frog nuts.

(I mean that in the nicest possible way.)

[Bailey]

I laugh at your suffering. All y'all! I'm not from the South though, so I don't know why I said y'all. I have the best of both worlds. I can go up into the mountains for snow and colder weather, and go just a little farther south for warmer weather; both within a few hours! Well I have to travel several hours if I want to go to a beach without a wetsuit, but you get the idea. I think. I hope. Whatever. Good night.

[Angela]

A perfect summary of my Minnesota home. Got to wear 2 pairs of socks at the same time. Preferably wool over regular cotton. The scariest part is it's not even COLD yet. Your booker must hate you to send you to the Midwest in the winter.

[Eric]

Being from Wisconsin, I agree with every word - except for the people being terrific.

[Wisconsin Sucks]

Whatevuh Eric.

Michael doesn't mean Wisconsin. You all are a bunch of fucking Cheese Heads. Driving all crazy and shit and talking like you're from Fargo. Not to mention your foreheads. They're like bumpers on a '55 Chevy.

Huge.

Bunch of inbred Motherfuckers.

[CF]

I like the fact that you are naked under the covers.

[Jillian]

Michael, I'm not sure if you read your comments or not, but here's an attempt to contact you:

I have a ticket to see your Boston show. And I was VERY excited about it (VERY) until I found out that I have to stage manage something that night. I tried my level best to get out of this obligation but there's nothing I can do. I have to sell my ticket to a friend.

Are you signing after the show? And if so, how long are your shows usually? I would LOVE the chance to meet you three (four? Eugene?).

If anyone else has the answers to these questions, I would be much obliged! My email address is olwhatshername@maine.rr.com