Facebook, I Thank You and Would Love to Hereby Remove You From My “You Dirty Motherfucker” List Except for the Fact That I Can’t

After bitching about Facebook in my previous entry for arbitrarily disabling my account, I want to congratulate Mr. Zuckerberg and company for quickly restoring said account. All it took was a single email and the aforementioned blog posting, which has now spread across the internet like a particularly itchy case of pink eye.

Whether it was the email or the blog posting that got the job done, I do not know. What I do know is that Facebook has terrific customer service and deserves a pat on the back. Now I can go back to not being able to add more friends to my account because of your stupid fucking 5,000 friend limit.

Which begs the question: what the fuck is wrong with you, Facebook?

Do you have any idea how unpopular I was in high school? VERY UNPOPULAR!!! Now, for the first time in my life, people want to actually befriend me, and I am forced to ignore them. These are requests from people, good American people, who have taken the time to look me up on your site and ask for a simple gesture of affection. A lot of these people are dying. A lot of them are orphans. And quite a few are dying orphans with adorable puppies.

What am I supposed to say to these people? That Facebook won’t let me be your friend? Are you so rigid that you would have these puppy-loving orphans drop dead without ever knowing the golden love of a basic cable comedian?

Facebook, you’re better than that. Remember Friendster? They hated orphans and puppies, and look what happened to them. Don't be like Friendster. Rescind your stupid fucking friend rule. But don't do it for me, Facebook. Do it for the children.

Or if not for the children, then do it for me.

Comments

[Nick]

the story about the orphans was truly moving.

[Camille]

I bet they'll allow more friends but only after a "small yearly fee" is paid, like Classmates.com. Bunch 'o' greedy mofos....
Speaking of wonky internet glitches, what does a girl(with an adorable puppy) have to do to get this blog's updates back in her mailbox?

[Tee]

It is really retarded of them not to allow more than 5,000 friends. Sure, for us basic mortals, then 5,000 is about 4,900 more than we might ever need.

But, for Hyper-Intelligent Sex Gods from the Hot Dimension, 5,000 will never be enough. Last time I floated by your Myspace you had over 20,000 friends on there. Facebook, take note.

[Jaime]

I still don't like the Facebook.

I'm glad they yielded to the Herculean force exerted by your mighty email. Just a word from Mr. Black, that's all it takes. Good thing your careful with your words.

[Lo]

You're misusing the term 'begs the question' here.

I just expect more from you, that's all.

[Reen]

Congratulations on restoring your stupid poopy-butt facebook.

Everyone's kind of unpopular in high school. Unless you were the Head Cheerleader. (Or any of her numerous friends). Or you were the Quarterback. (Or any of his numerous friends). Or you got head from cheerleaders for a quarter.

I would have totally been your friend, like, man. And if you really didn't like me back, I was pathetic enough to not care, as the book: "He really isn't that into you!" wasn't even out back then. I would have bought your friendship with beer and drugs and "stuff".

I am home and iced in like Walt Disney. Feel free to entertain with more musings because Mister, I am ready to clap.

[Susanna]

This Facebook predicament is almost like the movie "Speed" - you have to maintain a friend level of less than 5,000 or you'll die (from feeling unpopular). You have to ask yourself one question: What would Sandra Bullock do?

[Jenny]

I would sit at your feet and stare solemnly while you continue your glorious protest to help bring your point home.

Or maybe I just want to sit at your feet.

I hope they submit, the bastards. :\

[Kristina]

Looks like in the end it all turned out well! I didn't know facebook had a friend limit. Just because you reach that limit doesn't mean those MFer's should delete your account!

[Zane]

Well THANK GOD this is all over and I can finally take off my black veil and start living again. My eyes are puffy from crying and I think I forgot to pick up the children from the daycare center yesterday, but now all is right with the world again. I can go back to not getting poked by you on Facebook with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, for everything old is new again, hurrah.

[Bailey]

I don't remember Friendster.

So I'm thinking that you should take this to court. I'll represent you. You'll lose, but it will be good practice for me. I'm want to be a dentist.

[Bailey]

I'm want? Yes. I'm want. Whateveskis.

[Zane]

The title of this just makes me laugh, thanks for that.

[stephanie]

friendster and myspace are dead. its all about facebook now. even if you never went to college. or, like me, got kicked out for acting weird.

jk.

if you were unpopular in high school it means you are still unpopular. its funny seeing people with a 1,000 friends and 24 comments. el oh el.

[Camille]

Meh...in my limited experience, I have found the most popular kids in school evolved the least,not making for very interesting adults.

[Jaime]

I'm with you Camille.

p.s. I'm think Bailey's funny

[Camille]

I'm glad you're with me, Jaime. I need all the manpower I can get.
I also think Bailey is funny. And possibly a Russian whose parents watched Party of Five.

[Amanda]

I still tried to add you as a friend anyway. I like to think of it as sticking it to the man.

Or just being an idiot.

[Gena]

Ha ha ha, I just tried to add you as a friend the other day and got the pop-up saying you already had too many friends. Since I've only just joined Facebook roughly three years after everyone else, thus rendering it immediately no longer cool, I figured it was just a matter of "you snooze, you lose" on my part. I'm touched that you would have accepted my request, and should Facebook change their limits and allow that, I promise never to send you sea creatures or monster eggs.

[Zane]

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas, Michael. I hope you have a lovely holiday with your family. Thanks for all the laughs.

[trisha]

I got banned for no apparent reason either. I absolutely love the title of your blog. I couldn't have chosen more appropriate words. Facebook sucks!!

[Stacey E]

Myspace would never declare that you had "too many friends". Does that gum up their system if too many people are connected imaginarily with too many other people?
And now I'm confused about the term, "begs the question". I'm also confused about Captain Underpants.

[Holly]

You are too fucking entertaining. What did I ever do without you?

[Holly]

Happy Holidays!

[Reen]

So myspace decides to pimp you out as a featured comedian right on the heels of facebook disappointing you. Coincidence or the manipulative act of a jealous desperate Ex? You decide.

Anyway anyway, Merry Hannukah, Handsome. Here's hoping you and yours have a warm and wonderful holiday season.