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December 25, 2008

Did Santa Come???

There was some debate last night amongst my family about whether or not Santa would visit our home this year. The argument centered around what constituted “naughty” and “nice.” My two children had been both naughty and nice this year and it was difficult to figure out which side of the list they fell on. My son made the point, correctly, that he was considerably nicer than his sister, and speculated that it was possible that Santa might bring him presents but not her. I agreed with his assessment. My wife seemed to think that if he brought one child presents he would most likely bring the other one presents as well.

“Not so,” I said. I then explained that there was no familial clause in the “naughty/nice” contract; there is no “nice by association.” The equation is pretty binary. Either you deserve presents or you don’t. At this point my daughter was getting upset. “I don’t blame you,” I said. “I would be upset too if I’d acted like a total cunt all year long.”

(She didn’t know that word, but I think my intonation clued her in to its meaning.)

My son was gloating about the whole thing, which I explained to him was naughty behavior, and potentially enough to tip him over to the other side of the list. Because, although he was nice compared to his sister, he definitely fell short again in my eyes. Then I said it’s a good thing some kids kill people because Santa grades on a curve and those kids keep everybody else in the game.  

My wife thought I was taking this whole thing too far. I told her to fuck off.

(I should add that at this point in the evening I was pretty snookered on egg nog. It was only much later when we were in bed and I was making drunken passes at her that my wife informed me there was no alcohol in it.)

I said that what’s the point in me being nice all year long when my naughty kids end up getting presents just like I do? “Why be nice if there’s no reward in it?”

My wife told me being nice is a reward unto itself.

“THEN WHY DO WE HAVE FUCKING SANTA CLAUS?” I screamed. “I BUST MY ASS ALL YEAR DOING GOOD SHIT FOR ALL THE ORPHANS AND FOR YOU FUCKERS AND WHAT’S MY REWARD? A FUCKING SWEATER FROM BANANA REPUBLIC WHILE YOU GET A SHITLOAD OF TOYS!” I paused, then added an unnecessary “Fuck that.”

Both children burst into tears and my wife was now threatening to call the cops. (At some point during this last exchange I had grabbed a big wooden meat mallet, which I was waving around, although I never actually threatened anybody with it – in my mind, I was using it for emphasis.) I told her to go ahead and call the pigs but that I’m Jewish and I don’t eat pork. I wasn’t exactly sure what I meant by this but it seemed incredibly witty at the time. (Keep in mind I still thought I was drunk.) The fact that, as a Jew, I shouldn’t even be celebrating Christmas went unremarked upon by the other, Catholic members of my household.

Fortunately, all that mallet waving wore me out pretty good, and soon I was sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing. “I love you guys,” I wept, gathering my now catatonic children around me. “I’m sure Santa’s going to be great to you this year.” Then I gently rocked them to sleep while singing a song I made up about how one day Daddy will be gone and everybody will be happier.

This morning, the kids were up at the crack of dawn. They ran downstairs to see what Santa brought. Turns out I was right all along. He didn’t bring them shit. I did end up getting another shit sweater from Banana Republic, and he left my wife a basketful of coupons for the grocery store because if she’s going to be buy the fucking name brand Wheat Thins, she might as well get them at a discount.

 

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Leonardo

That was funny.

Sarah

Oh Michael, Happy Christmas. Much love from my family to yours! You heartless bastard.

Sarah.

Kristina

Those poor poor children of yours! You are so cruel, MIchael. My dad would be proud of you for giving the wife coupons. My dad is obsessed with coupons. If you don't have a coupon and/or it's not on sale it will not be boughten. <--- I don't think that's a word. Happy Holidays!!

Dave Minogue

Man, its just you against the world...

'When Harry Met Sally' Meg Ryan's a tool. Do you know her? Is she cool in real life? She just seems too asexual to be cool

Susanna

I was so hoping for you to blog today! Thanks for never letting me down (like your children have done to you).

Happy Chrismukkuh, Michael!

AmbroseKalifornia

Ho-ho-holy shit. I am so coming over next year.

And now I want to have a daughter, just so I can call her I cunt.

Thanks for getting me to shoot egg nog out my nose.

Zane

They bought her the wrong doll.
Not "Bye Bye Baby Chou Chou".
They bought "Baby Chou Chou Mommy Make Me Better". ?
That is only TOTALLY THE WRONG DOLL!
And now I have to go to whichever toy store still has it in stock tomorrow to buy the right doll because she was good and sweet and grateful to aunt and uncle's face even though she was actually starting to cry because Christmas was completely RUINED because they bought the totally crap doll that was "Sooo much better than that other one you wanted, Honey".

And the school's desert tortoises in that massive tank that we stupidly offered to watch for the holidays are starting to smell.

But at least I didn't marry this guy.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081226/ap_on_re_us/santa_shooting

Thanks for the always entertaining, super-funny blog!!

Holly

One of the best posts ever!!! So fucking funny! Happy Holidays Michael!

Chels

you're hilarious. merry christmas!

Jaime

Is it sad that I'm reading the blog at 1 am on Xmas, or posting to it? It's pretty crazy since there is a Golden Girls marathon on right now. Blanche is such a whore.

No tears! Only toys. Them's the rules. Happy today!

Camille

It's always great to have a hearty laugh first thing in the morning. Sooo funny!

Santa didn't come here either. I told my kids that he's waiting for the awesome after-Christmas sales. I'm hoping they'll forget all about it by New Year's.

Reen

You may think you received a Banana Republic sweater from Santa, but I say you are much too naughty for that prize. I bet that sweater is "irregular". And I further bet that upon closer inspection you'll find that that is not a sweater at all, but another orange hoodie.

Thanks for your hilarious post - you push the envelope like no other.

Jenny

Merry Belated Christmas, Michael!!! (and to all of you!)

Ah, this entry makes me think back on my similar holiday experiences as a child.

You will now owe my therapist approximately $250.00. -_-

Chase

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ursula

You're still a nigger, though

Zeph

You'll never make your point clear brandishing a wooden mallet unless you're a judge or Gallagher. Next time try flashing a quarter stick of dynamite and duct tape.

Karina

You are my god damned hero.

dzon

I even laughed out loud. Two or three times. Really good.

AL

You're hilarious, Michael. Looking forward to seeing you in Portland & Seattle!

max brooks

You're a horrible, horrible, despicable person. Your children are likely to someday strangle you in your sleep. Until then, keep writing us free entertainment.

theo

Sooo this is the funniest thing ever written!

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